How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?”Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.’The first one. I really resent being called the second.

I may be taller than her on my knees. Does she need a man she can climb?

Before grabbing a mythological creature, I’d recommend putting on oven mitts. Especially if you pick up a Phoenix.

BE QUIET!!…What do you want…? I was in the middle of saying something nice…

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of...

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

Hi, you’ve reached Caitlin! I’m either on the other line or I’m purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again… Leave a message and if I deem you...

(Da) “Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you.”(Later) “Sorry, Son, I missed that,” Ma said. “Ignoring you can be a full-time job.

I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick...

If a boy doesn’t respect his mother…run!

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

After all the shit that went down with Calease, I hate sleeping the way some people hate airplanes. Or small, dark spaces. Or spiders. Or being on an airplane in a small, dark space filled...

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn’t taken a liking to that. She decided to...

Have you ever been at a point that you don’t know what to say? But yet you came up with this crazy idea to type this.

There is no such thing as a bad life. That’s what I call an experienced living.

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

The words I love you, as a unit, are like a knife that only stings once you remove the blade from the relationship.

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

People don’t talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a watercolor left in the rain. To understand what anyone is saying to us we must separate these noises into words and the...

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.

A lot of men tend to want “models.” I tell men unless they look like a model themselves, they can’t expect to land one.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

Do that again and you’lllose that which you believe makes me whole.

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.

The USPS is the only place in the world where you will find a black guy, a white guy, and a hispanic guy playing Filipino poker! And we love it that way!

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

Trust me, Annwyl, that will be a pleasure.

You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.

It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it...

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.It never is, sir.Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist.I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Cats are portable calm distributors. They’re like vending machines distributing peace for free.

the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you’ll be fine.

Everyone should drink of me, but I shouldn’t be drunk by everyone. I should be drunk all by myself.

It isn’t he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.

We want Max to… breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies.”Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives...

If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.

I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was...

1980’s: not a time period but a state of mind.