The Boogeyman,’ he said, just to be sure. ‘The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.’The president nodded.Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.

He knew she loved him in that moment. Gabe never wanted to be part of the holy fight, but now he was, he was not about to lose.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

Humor is a universal lanuage.

I drink coffee like I make love, only I’m more awake with the coffee.

I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce sold separately.)

Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?

There is no off position on the genius button.

Pissing out the window, and sh*tting out the window, are two different things!

It’s better if you don’t come at all, then come and act like you don’t want to be here. The same applies to there, when I’m there, which is also confusingly here, though it’s not...

Angie: “How do I pitch these ideas to her?”Mira: “From a distance, preferably wearing body armor.

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I’m definately an outsider. Hooray.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Charlene says:I heard I’m being moved to Jumping for Joy farm. That sounds like a happy place to be. I’ll learn a lot about jumping. Maybe it’s different than jumping up and down like I...

He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before...

But he didn’t have to listen to his father. Taking after your father was optional, wasn’t it?

We refused to eat him.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.

Sometimes I’ll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I’ll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels...

I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

…Usually i’d sit back and just enjoy the view for what it was because it’s not often you come across something so ridiculously out of place, a girl like you, on the subway, it’s like...

Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I’ve got big plans, so break time is over.

Yes! I’m me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don’t understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books...

How could I persuade the in-laws I was the right one for their daughter when, instead of focusing on small talk, all I could think about was not to kill them? I could only imagine...

Please stop,” I said politely—he was that big. One should always mind one’s manners around big things.

I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.

If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.

Growing up in a family of gamblers, daredevils and practical jokers, I’ve learned a lot about timing and its first cousin, dumb luck, concepts I was introduced to while still in the womb.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be ‘and,’ ‘the,’ and ‘I,’ and ‘it,’ and so on, and there’s a huge number to choose from, so a lot...

Ah, yes. The dreaded goopy mouth.

Batman: What have I told you about trusting dangerous and obsessive criminal geniuses?Wonder Woman: To be fair, you tend to warn everyone about everything.Batman: Point.

The world is in crisis. What crisis?

Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell…

College is fun as long as you don’t die.

It means that you two, precious father and son, would be a pair of knaves if you had sense enough; but, failing in that, you are only a pair of fools!

This is a lovely party,” said the Bursar to a chair, “I wish I was here.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

A companion on a caffeine high will wake me up just as well, without the aftertaste.

I never knew what love was until after I got divorced. But I’ve always been a bit dyslexic.

but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

I love you above all things, even pie.

If they look as though they’re worried, we’ll move in.”And do what exactly?’ said Polly.’Threaten to shoot them,’ said Maladict firmly.’And if they don’t believe us?”Then we’ll threaten to shoot them in a much louder...

Snuggle time is my favorite time. Well, that and 12:34 and 3:33. And the time between when I take my first sip of coffee at 8 AM and when I finally wake up, at 5:00...

Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.

Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be...

What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them.