I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.

He’d changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped...

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A friend once told me that the real message Bram Stoker sought to convey in ‘Dracula’ is that a human being needs to live hundreds and hundreds of years to get all his reading done;...

I’m not afraid of you, Ghleanna. I’ve never been afraid of you. To be quite honest. . I think you’re amazing. I always have. Since the first time you ignored me.

Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen them all through their silly seasons, and when it come on them they will run the Devil...

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written...

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.

A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.

Sure, there is an undeniable pleasure in rooting for a winning team and in being able to look down on opposing fans with equal measures of superiority and disdain. But that’s also the Ruthian drawback...

I’ve had a lot of therapists, so I’ve had the opportunity to approach my fear in many different ways. I’ve faced it head on and sideways and tried to tiptoe up behind it.

I mop my floor with a wet cloud. My love tissues are full of eye rain. Dinner will be served at breakfast.

Otrera stayed dead the second time,” Kinzie said, batting her eyes. “We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend…well, I think you’d look great in an iron collar and...

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

All tha’ effin’ an’ blindin’ she was doin’…I ain’t never seen tha’ likes. Ya’ made a right hames wit dis’ wan, Athair. If she ‘ad been one of us, I’da put fifty quid on ‘er....

Writing is like making love, editing is like giving your great grandfather a sponge bath.

I want you never to make that statement again.

If they’re not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.

She ordered beer all night, and I ordered root beer. She was drunk, and so was I—with love.

Humor was a good way to hide the pain.

I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually,...

And sometimes,” she added, in a slightly hushed tone, like she was letting me in on a secret, “if you don’t feel great on the inside, just look great on the outside, and after a...

Every working mother has the things she dreads, things that keep her up in the night – pink eye, an ear infection, the parent-teacher conference, the school play – all forcing her to remind the...

Infiltrating the records of a state penitentiary as well as the state and federal court systems was much more fun than deciphering art. -Phil Roach

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

Of course we got drunk!” Semyon said. “It’s okay to get drunk, Anton. If you need to real bad. Only you have to get drunk on vodka. Cognac and wine—that’s all for the heart.””So what’s...

To make a current example, the world can find human interest in the death and the love affairs and the pallid addiction to cocaine of Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit’ Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh’ babushki. (I’d wear Moscow as pants for you, like a...

By the light,” he said, when he had mastered himself. “I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had...

Happy Birthday.”

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I’m out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!

The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

Think, think, think.

I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.

We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.””Scrabble?” He sounds surprised. “Scrabble’s great.””Not when you’re playing with a family of geniuses, it’s not. They all put words like ‘iridiums’. And I put ‘pig’.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together...

A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia

He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I’m never going to live this down. I will forever be known as the pastor’s kid who got arrested, made friends in jail, and threw up on the singles camping trip. That will look great...

Dear Edmond,When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton’s Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep,...

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first” “Yes””Well, it’s truer in bed than it is anywhere else.