Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He’s actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian’s mother

Would a boring machine drill holes—or put you to sleep? I make love like a robot, so maybe I do both.

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning…look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

Best to flee now, before the pitchforks and torches and scientists come calling.

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it...

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

I’ve done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you’d be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more...

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.’Ah, well, I’m not sure I believe that.

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

I want to create vagina-scented scratch and sniff stickers. You know, for lovers. They’d be dispensed in vending machines in YMCA locker rooms.

The point I was trying to make before you interrupted with your inventoryof my personality is that neither of us is going to be able to stay celibate for the next six months.”She dropped her...

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

He kept looking at my crotch, so I looked at his and saw he had an erection. That’s more flattering than any oratorical praise.

I’m not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn’t the shortest kid in the class.

She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn’t read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

I make love like Jello-O is liquid. And I masturbate like Jell-O is solid. I’m tired of sex with blow up dolls.

Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college. Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.

I’d be willing to walk around wearing clothes from the 1930s, telling everyone I am a time traveler. You’ve got to do more than dig if you want to earn the love of a dead...

Oh, look at that, he’s heard of me. My fame grows.

My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?

Make time to make love. Then, after you’ve finished making love, make some coffee while I just lie in bed and quiver.

Hindi ako naniniwala sa fate, destiny at soul mates. Ang mundo ay binubuo ng mga pangyayaring random na kaganapan. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the...

The key to Lincoln’s famous employment of humor is not that he failed to appreciate the tragic aspects of human existence, but rather that he felt these with such keeness that some relief was required.

Evelyn: There’s nothing wrong with embracing one’s emotions.Brittany: Mom, You don’t just embrace your emotions, you make love to them hard-core.

I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the...

Consider, if you will, the morning boner. What a metaphor of hope and renewal! How can anyone give way to despair when one’s groin greets each day with such a gala spectacle of physical optimism?

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

Zip it kiddo. Don’t ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it’ll be used against you later in life.

I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.

I wanted to observe how a genuine people person, who happens to also be a salesman, handles himself in the presence of a stranger. And few people are stranger than me, so I was paying...

No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn’texist.”Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her.

I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is just as visible as invisible.

And don’t drop food.

We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave...

I know, I know. I was there, remember?” I love my husband, but he’s such an Aquarian. Ask him the time, and he’ll tell you how to make the watch.

As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.

Standing at a urinal, I hold my penis like a cold beer. You look thirsty and sober, so can I get something to drink? You’re expression, is it dehydration—or is it love?

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

Surrealist Tip # 7: Sleep through numbers 1-6. Write down your dreams while you sleep, sleep as fast as you can, but try not to get a ticket—and don’t let the honking of other drivers...

That’s the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you’re never wrong.

Flies travel like they’re named. Humans should be called Walks.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass, from when my high school coach made me ride the bench.