30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

Someone ought to be rude to him. He’s rude enough to everyone else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.

How weird? We’re all dressed like people in a Jane Austen book. I think weird comes with the territory.

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is...

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

It depends if I get the window seat.

If you love three people at the same time, choose the first one, because if there was a 4th or 5th one, you might still fall for them.

Prove to me that you deserved it.

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

Kalle Fucking Blomkvist

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

My farts smell like coffee. Drink them up. But slowly, because they’re hot.

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play – easy to read but difficult to interpret.

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, “That’d better be your gun.” “Why yes, I always pack my gun where it’ll blow my balls off.”[Landon]

People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to catch all the worms halfway across the world.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how boys think. If I knew that I’d be a millionare.

There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive – for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard’s sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong’s mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion...

Civilization is vastly overrated.

Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair.

I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

With great hotness comes great responsibility.

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.

You know that person on your left shoulder who tells you that you can’t do it or that you’re not good enough? Tell that person to GET LOST!

I shook my head. “I’m good, Nicky helped.”Nicky looked at Edward. “She’s having one of those what-if-killing-feels-really-good, doesn’t-that-make-me-a-bad-person moments.” Edward nodded as if that made perfect sense. “Then it feels good. We can’t really control...

So this is it,” said Arthur, “We are going to die.””Yes,” said Ford, “except… no! Wait a minute!” He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur’s line of vision. “What’s this switch?” he...

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!

Holy crap!” Xavier blurted

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do...

Babies don’t come with instruction booklets. You’d learn the same way we all do — you’d read up on dinosaurs, you’d Google backhoes and skidders. And you don’t need a penis to go buy a...

Are you French?’ I asked instead.’Oui!’Foreign. Foreign spy. French Communist Party acted on Stalin’s instructions during part of World War II. French Communist spy.Stop it stop it stop itI turned to Art, a black kid...

moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

[Rayleen talking to Billy.] “Grace is thriving here, and I dare anybody to challenge that. Anybody who has a problem with that can come take it up with me.””Thank God,” Billy said, “because I really...

yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

I showed my concern by showing her my penis. Was that not appropriate behavior at a funeral? What better way to display a lifetime of love that’s been zipped away from the eyes of world?

Damas y caballeros. Me temo que lo que voy a decir arruinará su apetito, pero la verdad es siempre bella, y debo declarar que: ¡las empanadas de la Sra. Lovett están hechas nada menos que...

Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in.

I was naked, except for two shower caps on my feet. Gotta save water somehow.