Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

When I masturbate, I pump my hand so fast it’s like a hummingbird blur. But I make love like the anti-hummingbird. In fact, in bed I’m so slow with my love making it’s almost indistinguishable...

That’s appropriate.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn’t fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?

I’ve never understood people who just go out for one drink. Once I have one drink, I want all the drinks.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

But it isn’t hunger that drives millions of armed American Males to forests and hills every autumn, as the high incidence of heart failure among the hunters will prove. Somehow the hunting process has to...

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won’t be using them.

Only you can change yourself, no one else can.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

Adrian had always found it amusing that a guy could be drilling Stacia up her ass while she considered herself to be a virgin. Her intent had been to present herself as such when she...

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

I pray this new year will be greater, smooth and brings best aroma to our smelling, normal burning for toothpicks, blue colours for great celebration, unlimited joy from nw, then and beyound in JESUS name...

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so my safes are full of their potential.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.

Do you think the Goblin King really did it?” asked Cordelia hesitantly. All the sheep knew she was talking about George’s death. Mopple quickly pulled up a tuft of grass.”Or Satan?” added Lane.”Nonsense,” Rameses snorted...

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I...

Also retains value longer.”Knowing the sexual perversity about to transpire, I couldn’t reconcile that I was suddenly in an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Granted, I didn’t know from normal pre–group sex discussion topics,...

It’s better to burn out than fade away,” but these memories could be deceptive.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

It wasn’t the first time he’d run for his life. And it most likely wouldnot be the last. In the past few decades, though, he’d mostly run fromangry fathers who’d found him where they felt...

I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

Where are you from? New York?””Weird you picked up on that,” she said, “I’ve been gone from there for so long.”Like a couple of decades could dilute that accent.

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

Man, you should write a book.’‘I know. You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

Awww,” Minho said. “That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.

No.”Of course not. Because it would totally ruin his whole mysterious vibe. Can’t have that.

Life is like a DVR recording. The story goes on, but you cannot see it until you fast forward through the commercials

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira…

I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.

What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.

Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.

A bartender is a Keeper of Secrets. Drunk, senseless, useless secrets.

Women are sneaky.