I’m never going to live this down. I will forever be known as the pastor’s kid who got arrested, made friends in jail, and threw up on the singles camping trip. That will look great...

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going...

Housework can kill you if done right.

I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler’s lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when...

My clone will have my mind, but I don’t mind. Two heads are better than one—especially when those two are one and the same.

History has rewritten itself so many times I’m not really sure how it was to begin with — it’s a bit like trying to guess the original color of a wall when it’s been repainted...

I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants, so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well, at least until my boss fired me.

I’m convinced that her obsession with Jesus was far more romantic than spiritual. I think she was actually attracted to him. I sincerely thought that one day while out on a grocery run, she would...

I’m immortal! Doesn’t that mean I won’t get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn’t mean that, I want a refund—

The marks we leave are too often scars.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I’m glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it’s good entertainment. If we’re lucky, it’ll...

I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.

Woah,’ I said, blocking the doorway. ‘You can’t come in here. This is the girls’ room.’ Even as it came out of my mouth, I knew it sounded dumb. Dumb, I thought and maybe even...

I would not wish to marry someone who had already been married. It would be,’ she opined, ‘like having someone else break in one’s own pony.

While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, ‘I love you’ to me for the first time. It sounded like ‘All lub boo,’ but I didn’t care. To reciprocate, I showed...

Look, we need to make time, but we also need to be somewhat quiet.” She faced him. “I am being quiet!”Pathik held a finger up to his lips. “Seriously. Quite. You don’t really want to...

One minute she acts like she wants to be with me and I’m the one rejecting her. The next, she’s got this barbed wire fence and barking dogs around her, like I can’t even ask...

Are you in any way qualified?Yes? No? It doesn’t matter. In America, “Qualification” is simply an attitude. I’ve adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Can you imagine the reaction of a British tabloid newspaper if they found a small school in rural England hosting a party like this? A party? In a school? With children present? Where marijuana is...

This letter is written on the skin of one of the water sprites who drowned your parents.”Ick!’ I cried, and dropped the letter on the kitchen table.

‘Not drinking?’ Collin asked coolly. ‘I only drink the blood of virgins,’ Logan quipped. ‘You must be dehydrated then.’ A slow smile spread over Logan’s face. ‘A sense of humor… rare in a Templar.’

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you’re a corn dog.”COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. — It is not fair. — He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of...

Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse.

I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.

My mother is convinced that yellow is a happy color and that a happy girl would get a husband.-Penelope Featherington

I dunno, but I wish I hadn’t.

Somebody get me a cheeseburger!

The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.

And vampires never sparkle unless they just ate a stripper.

Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.

What are all these?” Clary asked.”Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades,” Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, “electrum wire – not much use at the moment but...

—,Acabas de… lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir…—¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar.—Jesús,...

Jesus was a good guy, he didn’t need this shit.

There’s a saying,” Aeneas said: “Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts.” He spoke wryly. “Horses, particularly.

I’d like to invent a product that’ll turn 18-year-olds into 21-year-olds, and sell it in front of bars.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

a spider and a flyi heard a spiderand a fly arguingwait said the flydo not eat mei serve a great purposein the worldyou will have toshow me said the spideri scurry aroundgutters and sewersand garbage...

Jace’s eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, “Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories.””You hate the Silent Brothers,” protested Isabelle.”I don’t hate them,” said Jace candidly.”I’m afraid of them. It’s...

Polly had arrived in the world outraged to discover that her sisters had gotten there before her.

Orphans? Would you really? Adopt children?””There are advantages. If they turn out badly, we can blame their natural parents. We can also choose our own assortment of ages and genders. We can even get them...

My dad used to say that life’s a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.

‘Now that your speech impediment has been rectified, perhaps you might say something. It would be best if it were humorous. I enjoy a good jest.’ ‘You are dreadfully rude,’ I said to him. He...

God helps those who strut their stuff.

Love is like holding a baloney sandwich for a friend. That was over two years ago, and I’m still holding it. I wonder if he’s coming back any time soon. He must be starving by...

You have something on your neck. What Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway? Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. And ran into...