Jersey Shore has killed more brain cells than alcohol, cocaine, and meth combined.

I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don’t know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet, because I don’t...

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

The trouble with being a god is that you’ve got no one to pray to.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

…I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.’What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.’Employers sense in me a denial of their values.’ He rolled over onto his back....

Punctuation, is? fun!

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

He sighed and opened the black box and took out his rings and slipped them on. Another box held a set of knives and Klatchian steel, their blades darkened with lamp black. Various cunning and...

I admit I get the occasional headache,” I said. “I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage,...

Surely this marked a new level of achievement in his amatory career. Never before had he charmed the frock off a woman with talk of mathematics. Never before would he have thought to try.

I have never voted in my life… I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it’s certain they will win.

I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there...

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

That’s No’-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock, mistress,’ said Not-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock. ‘Ye were one jock short,’ he added helpfully.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

Laughter isn’t a sign of insanity but a shield against it.

When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.

I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

But there was more to it than that. As the Amazing Maurice said, it was just a story about people and rats. And the difficult part of it was deciding who the people were, and...

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

(on the word “fuck”)’Oh, come on, Mum,’ I sighed at her protest. ‘It’s just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female organ which has been adopted by an inherently misogynist language as a negative epithet....

When value of your words gets lower its time to stay quite and improve your self

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my funk. I didn’t break any dishes either, but I did break dance.

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I’m here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

I’m looking for a man” Bree started.”Aren’t we all, dear? All I got’s bread and doughnuts, but they’re the next best thing””I don’t know about that .. well maybe doughnuts. I’ve lost my .. friend....

…the Statue of Liberty’s got this invitation: ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your reeking homeless–”Huddled masses,’ said Ira. ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.’…Okay, fine. So like...

Mom actually said that?” Cassie’s face shown with happiness. “She always hated my math!””Nah,” Martin said. “She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents...

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony — the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my...

A title from the 1966 movie’ The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming,’ gives a new meaning toa phrase: ‘wait a minute, we’ve seen this movie before.’

Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.

Why do I have to do the sewin’? ‘Cause I’m a girl? Is that it? It ain’t fair, I tell ya!

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

More dangerous than being in a house full of vampires? I think I’ll take my chances, Mr. Fallinsworth.””I think we’re way past formalities here since my cock has been inside that hot, wet, delicious body...

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

He’d been an angel once. He hadn’t meant to Fall. He’d just hung around with the wrong people.

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

It is hard to convince people of this, but oatmeal truly is miraculous. It gives you an amazing amount of energy, like cocaine.

Me and my readers, we’re on the same page. That page is one.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.