When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat.

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye,” Ferbus said too loudly. “Then it’s one-eyed fun.

How is it?” I ask as we stroll towards the dressing rooms. “Working at the playground. That must be fun.””Sure, they’re just adorable,” she says, “For the first five minutes. And then I want to...

We still can’t see you!” groaned Alice.”How do we fix that?” asked Melanie. “I don’t know…think visible thoughts,” said Colleen.”Think visible thoughts?” yelled Melanie. “Actually, that might work. Do it Izzy,

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise.

I been talkin’ with my buddy, and he thinks I’m virgin enough fer the two of us.

Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they’re so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.

A daffodil bulb will divide and redivide endlessly. That’s why, like the peony, it is one of the few flowers you can find around abandoned farmhouses, still blooming and increasing in numbers fifty years after...

This song is for my Molly, who is the best fucking thing that´s ever happened to me. Also, for those suicidal idiots sending her fan mail asking her to run away with them, I will...

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

I’ll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.

Lollipop had been her nickname for me as long as I could remember. I asked her how she came up with the name, and she told me sometimes kids are sweet, and sometimes they just...

Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!

I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts for the winter. But that’s just the kind of thoughtful guy I am.

You don’t appreciate a faithful husband when you’ve got one,’ said Tommy.’All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,’ said Tuppance.’You have the wrong kind of friends,’ said Tommy.

What about mold,” Tom reminded her. “Fuzziness on a girl is never attractive.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always...

The US military and the CIA got busy working on plans for the conquest of Cuba. And it would be no Mickey Mouse boat operation this time. This time, Fidel Castro and his hairy henchmen...

Pain is an inevitable part when you truly love.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it’s yet more people I’ll have to avoid.

No,” he said hoarsely, “the chair will do just fine, thank you.””If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan’t be able to sleep.” She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress.Dunford shuddered. He had never...

I peel cats like I pet oranges. And I often snuggle with watermelons, sometimes with the intent of making love.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

I’m a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

Nobody liked my plan.”You want us to split up?” Chase asked, his brow wrinkling in obvious bewilderment.Lake echoed the sentiment, her voice flat. “Why would we split up? There’s four of us and one of...

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

I get up at 12:12, because if I have to do it every day, the number may as well be repetitive. And I love you all the time. That time is 3:21 PM.

Respect is not creative … Chanel is an institution, and you have to treat an institution like a whore — and then you get something out of her.

I’m gonna kill him,” Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-“And what?” (Michael)When did you get...

He lies on the couch all day watching television. I admire his classic American ambition. He’s probably a better lover than me.

Happiness does not create humor. There’s nothing funny about being happy. Sadness creates humor.

too much alcohol hampers people’s ability to parent. That’s why I’ve chosen to remain childless.

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

Shee, you guys are so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.

The prank is entitled “Subverting the Patriarchal Paradigm”.

Don’t run I never liked fast food

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

I love jell-o. I love the way it comes in rainbow colours, wiggles and jiggles and looks like brains.

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.

Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess”, said Marcus. “My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.

Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.

Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You’re horrible! Besides then I’d...