I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels’...

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!

Hell’s bells, irony blows.

Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.

I hate zombies.I know that sound prejudiced. I’m sure some zombies are really nice to kittens and love their parents. But it’s been my experience that most are not the kind of people you want...

I wake up every morning thinking about all the great things I am going to accomplish that day, and I go to bed every night thinking about all the even greater things I’m going to...

Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind. […] ‘Noble Savages of Earth,’ he said. ‘Long time we have tried to live together in peace.’ (It had been five months.) ‘Long...

You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget...

Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.

Can’t you improvise? You know, make some loud pounding noises or cause the outer walls to bleed?

We went out to a romantic dinner, and do you know how you can just tell when it’s the perfect moment to propose? Well, it wasn’t one of those moments—at least not with her. I...

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

If you don’t want to tear off the clothes of the person you’re on a date with and jump into bed with them, then what’s the point? I’d never date; instead, I’d have lots of...

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”....

Artemis grit her teeth. “I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood.” “Sure Sis!” then he raised his hands in a “stop...

Not that I’m complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeding me to her pigs.””Harma’s dead.” Jon said.”But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to...

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

Said by Colin the dragon:”It’s somewhat bizarre to learn that many of you (humans)think that other humans are somehow different enough to be hated and killed, when in reality you’re all all tiresomely similiar in...

No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.

What’s this?” he demanded, looking from Clary to his companions, as if they might know what she was doing there.”It’s a girl,” Jace said,recovering his composure. “Surely you’ve seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle...

The three now faced the moving wall. Trapped, like the last fries in a box with a hungry kid ready to pounce. They had no way to escape.

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about… He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

For some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears,’ for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.’ The moral of ‘Snow White’ is ‘Never eat apples.’ The moral of World War I...

Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.

Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index.

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You’ll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there’s a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long,...

The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.

One of my father’s RULES FOR LIFE was to marry a woman who was smarter than you. “I did this,” he would say to me, “and you should do it, too. I say, why do...

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

Amazing how a confluence of praise and lust can just make your defensive barriers collapse like Jell-O on a hot stove

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock’s locker room bitch.

The more fucked up you are, the more I like you. As long as you’ve managed to hold onto your identity through all the shit, then it won’t matter how twisted you are. I will...

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

…and now over to our foriegn allegory correspondant, Barv Tweezman.” ~The Shielding of Mortimer Townes

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing west. Sorry, east. I am looking in a mirror, so it’s all reversed.

I don’t know. They haven’t been in school for a while.

How you felt?” he asks, still looking like he’s trying to hide a smirk.”Oh, shut up. I’m going now. I’m sorry I bothered you, your Highness of Reindeerness,” I say, with more than a little...

They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him.

We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.

If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.

I’m rich, popular. I have a sense of humor. I’m good looking, and not to mention I have a really big—

Missing you is worse than Pittsburgh.