When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.

The Norman conquest forever changed English from a mix of bad German and bad Latin, to a mix of bad German, bad Latin, and bad German-Latin.

You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

You’re not leaving me behind. Or I’ll do a spell to make you smell like ass. Forever.

When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

If trees had feathers instead of leaves, then they wouldn’t fly, they wouldn’t run, and they’d be my favorite thing to hunt.

Just the way it never rains when you have an umbrella, you’ll never run into people if you look fantastic. But go outside in pajamas, and you’ll run into every ex you have.

Scarface’ is a redundancy.

When 1:45 came, half the class left, and Danny Hupfer whispered, “If she gives you a cream puff after we leave, I’m going to kill you” – which was not something that someone headed off...

It begins in the heart…and it hurts when it’s true.It only hurts because it’s true.

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse’s only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.

I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

We made love like two trees on a breezeless day. Neither one of us moved for hours.

Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

Whenever Elliot Norther’s wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband’s close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied...

I have sex,” Grace shrugged.I meant with a man,” Claudia said dryly.Now why would I ruin something so good by inviting a man along?” Grace asked.

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

My life needs editing.

Is he mad? Anyway there’s something on his mind, as sure as there must be something on a deck when it cracks.

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

Computers are heaven-sent when they work and hell-spawn when they don’t.There’s just not much middle ground when it comes to technology.

I could end the deficit in five minutes. You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP all sitting members of congress are ineligible for...

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped over. But they must be, because I only seem to listen to myself.

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of...

The cat arrived with a bottle of Scotch.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

Do I have cat hair on my face? I was trying to grow out my beard. Let’s make love like two meows trapped in a Ziploc bag.

I believe you to be Filidor Vesh,” said the dwarf.”You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded,” Filidor replied. “No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence...

There’s something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself … I just can’t remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.

I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.

It’s kind of interesting you’re driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today,” I said.”And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility...

Remember: if everyone else gives 110% effort, and you give 120%, you’re really only giving a little over 109%.

Women, who understands them? Not men—and certainly not women. Perhaps only cats do. But who understands cats? Perhaps only Orafoura, the last remaining Cupid and sole savior of earthly love.

I looked at Judith. “This sounds strange, but I don’t suppose you saw three mad women with a cauldron of boiling tea pass by this way?””No,” she replied. The polite voice of reasonable people scared...

Erasing is exercise for the hands

I’m not afraid of you, Ghleanna. I’ve never been afraid of you. To be quite honest. . I think you’re amazing. I always have. Since the first time you ignored me.

Don’t just stand there with your Eiffel Tower smile. Tell me you love me, and tell me in French.

I’m allergic to alcohol and narcotics, I break out in handcuffs”-Robert Downey Jr.