Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Why not?

Do you like to slide?” His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. “No, Majesty. I’m terrified of heights.””Oh.” His polite tone had returned.”I wish I could enjoy it. This...

She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis. She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was...

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

There is a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, ‘I don’t want you to let me down again.’ – Boston, Mass., Oct. 3, 2000

Geoff’s arm emanated with a solid warmth I longed for after our days aboard S.S. British-Craphole.

[On Oscar Wilde:]”If, with the literate, I amImpelled to try an epigram,I never seek to take the credit;We all assume that Oscar said it.[Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]

The king may rule the kingdom, but it’s the queen who moves the board.

The trouble with dead people today is they have no sense of decorum

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

If my clone were standing next to me, I’d be beside myself with joy. I’d also be literally beside myself. In that case, I’ll bet you’d love me twice as much, huh?

I guess I forgot we were going out tonight.””We always go out on Fridays.””It’s Thursday, Alvis.””You are so tied to routine.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

I drink coffee like an alcoholic drinks gasoline. You wouldn’t believe how many gallons my little car can hold.

Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

Forget seeing the future. Most people can’t see the present until it’s in the past. Like me, all my I love yous match up with all my ex’s I loved yous.

Did you know say the true cause of the Civil War was some Northerner adding nutmeg to a mint julep?” Lucy asked.

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed?Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara’s Bush! From ‘Walk On By II

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

You haven’t told her?” Cass shouted. “You’re the worst boyfriend ever!

Ramon looked closely at the little guy as he ate. “Maybe he’s Jewish. I mean, if Sammy Davis Jr. could convert to Judaism, why not a chupacabra? We should name him Harry Mendelbaum.”I held up...

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

No one can know your strength and weakness better than yourself.

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

I like all my children, even the squat and ugly ones.

Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.

Can’t stay long, Mother,” he said. “I’m up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-“”Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?” said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. “You should...

I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.

An eye for an eye my friend.

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

Before work I like to relax and collect my thoughts. That’s why I carry a wicker basket. So it’s no wonder that I fell in love with Sigourney Weaver. I often ponder aliens, working girls,...

A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case

Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn’t sparkle.

Love is as iffy as Kipling.

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.

You’re so far off base this time you can’t even see the base!

I make my living as a farmer. I milk the clock at work. And I make love like a dentist. Oh yes, I am that erotic.

Got a bout of doubt? Breathe.

Saya pasti takut. Kalo tidak takut pasti bukan saya.

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn’t read Tolkien.

I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me.

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.