The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.

When in doubt, go to the library.

Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on myscrotum.” I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to thefour bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh ofdiscontent, I...

We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman.

Courage is not beating up the bully or letting the bully beat you up, it is standing strong before the bully and seeing him for what he truly is: a child of God in need...

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay

We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was playing cribbage in the nursing home.

I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.

Who’re you going with, then?” said Ron.”Angelina,” said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.”What?” said Ron, taken aback. “You’ve already asked her?””Good point,” said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common...

There is my first insight, young woman. Always downplay the value of money; it will make it much easier for him to hand it over.

We made love like two cars that were out of gas. I tried to fill her up, but couldn’t because I myself was empty.

How would you like to star in your very own commercial?””I’d rather swim in battery acid.

Dude—why the fuck are you talking like that?” Not good.

One bad habit people do way past the age they should be doing it is living. The youth of today, they’re so old.

I can’t remember if I’ve time traveled, because memory only covers the past, and it’s likely I’ve only been to the future. But that’s natural, because that’s where I store all my love.

I cringe when critics say I’m a master of the popular novel. What’s an unpopular novel?

messiah” from his mission. If the Ballister acquisition was Norm’s cross, as everyone seems to think it was, then it was Norm who chose to bear that cross. And pride that nailed him to it.

Her vagina feels like home, while her sister’s vagina feels like a hotel room. I should ask for a late checkout.

Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.

… Paris was a city of love for unimaginative folks.

Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with...

I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?

My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities…like the ability to behave myself.

I had a dream about you making balloon animals for kids. You were out of balloons and the kids were out of patience, so you inflated their imaginations instead.

A shower curtain would make a great dress. If I make it for you, will you make love to me? Before you answer, you should know that I’m a bring my own bathtub kind of...

If you’re explaining, you’re losing.

It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.

And she didn’t once say anything about this being a sin. It used to be I got the word sin slapped in my face every time I did something wrong, but come on, when you...

I like the name Lola, because it has LOL in the beginning.

What do writers look like?

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the...

The difference between your crazy and my crazy is that you don’t think you’re crazy.

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and...

Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from an island where half the people tell only the truth and half tell...

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

No matter what dimension you’re in, there’s a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

The truth is that circumstances had done much to cultivate in Mrs. Tristram a marked tendency to irony. Her taste on many points differed from that of her husband, and though she made frequent concessions...

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

assed” in places where it doesn’t even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours.For dessert, you asked for...

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it....

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

The police, finding a corpse with twenty-eight stab wounds in a bathtub, suspected foul play.

What she needs,’ Tom said aloud ‘is a husband.’ Agnes said crisply, ‘Well, she can’t have mine.