Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I love writing, but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, ‘You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, Giftless. I’m not your...

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

If he kills me, I’ll see to it that you get hanged for murder as well.

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

I make love in half. But that’s because I’m much too romantic to refer to it as masturbation.

Grace,” he roared in her face.

They hate you.””Why?””Cause you’re a dick, Mitch.

3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns...

Let’s not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We’ll have a tiny bit of it, I said.

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!

You are hard at work madam ,” said the man near her.Yes,” Answered Madam Defarge ; ” I have a good deal to do.”What do you make, Madam ?”Many things.”For instance —“For instance,” returned Madam...

Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.

The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

If you rest, you rust.

Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking.

My sister having so much to do, was going to church vicariously, that is to say, Joe and I were going.

As an actress, or actr-ish, I’m jealous of everyone, regardless of gender or age. Sometimes parents will ask me how they go about getting their kids into acting, and my first thought is never, Oh,...

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

Love allows us to remember the joy, and forget the pain. That’s why I write things down, to help me remember.

Genius feels like an over extended Helium balloon about to burst, and everyone criticizes you for not having a conventional way of coping with it.

Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.

I’m not going to die, I’m going home like a shooting star.

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise...

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need...

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later”.

If you think my current job is boring, you should see the sleeper I did before. (I worked as a mattress salesman.)

What character with any sense of aesthetics desires a cradle-to-grave account of himself? That’s so passé, so nineteenth-century.

… my heart skips a beat. Seriously, like a CD from the public library, it goes ZZebbTTT and skips.

What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I’d be lying. Actually, I’m only pretending that you aren’t on my mind. But I know that you don’t mind.

All that I’ve learned, I’ve forgotten. The little that I still know, I’ve guessed.

Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

What is love when it’s not for dopamine?

If I ever meet myself,’ said Zaphod, ‘I’ll hit myself so hard I won’t know what’s hit me.

What’s the good of living if you don’t try a few things?

We made love like the 1930s, only it wasn’t quite as depressing. Also, it only took me a half a decade to bring myself to orgasm.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and...

Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts.

Can’t stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I’ll tell them...

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

I figured out why I have such big hands. It’s to hold all the love I have to offer the world. So don’t get mad at me when I make you bring in all the...

To be CREATIVE, you have to be CRAZY, not because you’re CRAZY or want others to become CRAZY, but because you must be CRAZY, before others become CRAZY for you.