With enough coffee anything is possible

The past you lost is just like a dream. As you woke up new lifestarts. So, your actual birthday will be your death day.

Of course it was a terrible thing, and the world would be a much better place without someone in it who could do that, but did that mean we had to miss lunch?

Can you imagine how many people got laid in here?” Abby said, walking to the other side of the Jacuzzi.

The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.

[On school uniforms] Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It’s not a new idea, either. I first saw it in...

Peter, you’re twelve years old. I’m ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

Everything is perfect. Everything is fine. The rules of life are made up. The rules only exist in your mind.Of course there may be courtesies And closures and laws to abide,But the zeal with which...

The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice the manpower to do half the work.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

I sometimes think if I did not write I would be a madwoman. Now I am a sane woman with a lot of mad pages.

I’m not saying you’re weak, but you brawl like a couple of girls having a pillow fight.

That year the Ribeiro’s daffodils seeded early and they seeded cockroaches. Now, ecologically speaking, even a cockroach has its place — but these suckers bit. That didn’t sound Earth-authentic to me. Not that I care,...

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I had a dream about you. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, like little kids, only we weren’t kids, we were just little. I think the technical term is midgets.

I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives.

Tea no more! Down with bustles!

I put the books I was returning on the appropriate desk, and I began looking at the shelves of new arrivals. Most of them were some permutation on self-help. Going by how popular these books...

The sh*t’s gonna splatter, start buggin, yo…”Mencheres to Cat

Last night at work, I was short people. I was two midgets and a mute.

I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either way it felt great to be so directionless and unaware of my surroundings...

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need...

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn’t make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie....

Ack!” I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that’s me.

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite. (The impossibility is half possible!)

The notion of children makes me ill. The thought of having one… when you see those guys in the supermarket, wheeling the trolley around while their brats whine and wheedle and some blundering sow questions...

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

I realized then what had happened.She had turned us–all of us, except for Mouse–into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.Wonderful!” Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. “Come, children!” And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble...

In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.

Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!

If I had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and a middle name to wear as a safety harness, I think I’d be much better equipped to...

Immy knocked on his open door. “Mr. Mallett?”The look on his narrow face was pained. “What’s with the Mr. Mallett? When you don’t call me Mike, it’s usually trouble.

Wrong religion,” he said.

No. See, when you throw up you’re vomiting, but when you throw down you’re starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet.””Ohhhh,” he said. “I thought you were speaking literally.””I do beg your pardon....

The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?

Soup has water value, but water doesn’t have soup value. That’s like my love—really watery, but rather tasty.

Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how to repair your broken erection.

Can’t live with ’em, can’t escape even by killing ’em.

We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It’s all very dull.

Change is good. Enjoy change.By that I don’t mean change all the time, you’re not a fucking traffic light.

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for...

My parents are going to kill me!””That seems rather harsh…

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more...

Listen, I’m going to go lock myself in the coat closet, okay? Don’t disturb me if you can help it?” She frowned at me.”Telepathy stuff,” I said. “It may not work, but I’ve got to...

One of the world’s most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer “a deck of cards” or “Anna Karenina” when the obvious answer is “a well equipped...