I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.

Weerd is a weird way to write weird, but seemingly more normal than weird. Also, hate is a weird way to write love.

Are you okay? You seem …soggy.””Soggy?””Yes.” Heather nodded. “Like you’re a depressed spaghetti noodle or something.

Of all the smiths from goldsmiths to John Smiths, the most powerful is the wordsmith, because he can influence your emotions and cognitions. And while you are standing there pondering what he said, he can...

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn’t his first, and wouldn’t be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he...

I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors...

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age. I missed it coming and going.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted...

Chicken Noodle Soup for the Stomach.” I wrote it with alphabet soup, and then edited it with a can of chicken noodle soup.

She ought to be thrilled.

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

It was almost romantic, in a mad-inventor sort of way.

Can you imagine how many people got laid in here?” Abby said, walking to the other side of the Jacuzzi.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people,...

(…) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled...

The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice the manpower to do half the work.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

(Referring to the piano’s natural shape) Isn’t it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

No, little one, George’s ghost won’t come back. Human beings don’t have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.””How can you say that?” protested Mopple. “We don’t know whether humans have souls or not.””Every lamb knows...

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

I had a dream about you. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed, like little kids, only we weren’t kids, we were just little. I think the technical term is midgets.

Don’t you know it?

Normal” is just a setting on your dryer.

You can’t even put your arm around me without tripping up.

Last night at work, I was short people. I was two midgets and a mute.

I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no...

I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either way it felt great to be so directionless and unaware of my surroundings...

…If you’d like to go back in there and try kicking him, I recommend aiming upward and a bit to the left–

Does she realize she looks like a sunflower, ready to rain sunlight on all who look down upon her?

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear.””Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?””Poor grammar skills.

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.

I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

Remember what happened last time with the ‘cuda.

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was… I’ll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn’t heard a word because she’s studying...

In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.

You know Quinn?” Macaulay asked me.”Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed.”Macaulay grinned. “I hope you keep his acquaintance like that – social””Meaning what?”Macaulay’s grin became rueful. “He used to be my broker,...

Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!

Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

Maybe I’m some sort of perverted cartoon-sexual.

Clear clutter. Make space for you.