That’s not normal.

As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I reply by doing the Charleston, I’m just trying to show my love for...

He said that there would be more information available in the narthex. I leaned over to Matthew and whispered, “The Narthex? Isn’t that a Dr. Suess character that speaks for the trees??

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it get it back.

Hate. Huh. He’d never hated himself. If anything, he’d always liked himself a little too much. Once, a human female had even accused him of picturing his own face while he climaxed. He hadn’t denied...

Never confuse honor with stupidity!

I’m going to get ‘I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD’ tattooed on my chest.””That will become inaccurate at some point, ” Omar pointed out.

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags...

I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the people always suffer.

I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing...

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

You’re right, I do indeed want you. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re an asshole.

I’ve got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I’m gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them PUNISHED with a baby.

Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to...

So not cool,” from the bastard as he fell…fell…Splat.

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

I lost my temper today. Fuck it. Whoever finds it can keep it.

If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.

I asked Hillary why she had chosen Yale Law School over Harvard. She laughed and said, “Harvard didn’t want me.” I said I was sorry that Harvard turned her down. She replied, “No, I received...

I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the truth. Or at least that’s what we told your parents. They didn’t need...

Oh that looked painful,” called another Puck, a little farther down. “We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

Didn’t Frankenstein get married?””Did he?” said Eggy. “I don’t know. I never met him. Harrow man, I expect.

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...

I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

He sure put things into words good.

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

Louis-Cesare. It’s good to finally have you in hand.

She’d run over Dankyo in an instant to get to Theo. Be a darn big bump in the road, but she’d do it.

The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides me. Of course they do have something else to talk about. They could always talk about the weather. But...

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

If I order an appetizer is there any chance I can get it quickly? I’m two and a half months pregnant with a Bradford,” she said, not mentioning it was twins because the thought was...

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn’t feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. “Do I look dead to you?

Charles Lathrop Pack, president of the American Tree Association, told how Rogers gave him advice in handling an educational campaign in tree planting.’Will Rogers told me,’ said Pack, ‘that I was on the wrong track...

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.

Kenzie took two staggering steps backward, staring at the feeline as if in a daze. “O-kay,” she breathed, shaking her head slightly. “A cat. A cat that talks. I’m going crazy.” she glanced at me....

Headache!” Zeus bellowed. “Bad. bad headache!”As if to prove his point, the lord of the universe slammed his face into his pancakes, which demolished the pancakes and the plate and put a crack in the...

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start...

If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a...