It was such an unexpected and genuine smile that if I only had a soul I’m sure I would have felt quite guilty.

Anybody can be charming if they don’t mind faking it, saying all the stupid, obvious, nauseating things that a conscience keeps most people from saying. Happily, I don’t have a conscience. I say them.

And as we should all know by now, anytime you predict failure you have an excellent chance of being right.

And I was having too much fun to stop now.

In my life long study of human beings, I have found that no matter how hard they try, they have found no way yet to prevent the arrival of Monday morning. And they do try,...

Money to me had always been merely something the sheep used to show each other how wonderful they were.

I was good at being charming, one of my very few vanities.

There are still very few laws against thinking, although I am sure they’re working hard on that in Washington.

This was just no fun. I wanted my brain back.

Feeling – what authentic human fun!

She had searched for just the right guy; sensitive and gentle and willing to wait. Quite a long search, of course. She was looking for some imaginary man who cared more about having someone to...

Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.

For the first time I could remember, I felt weak, woozy and stupid— like a human-being. Like a very small and helpless human-being.

How bad could things be if my hair was neat?

But as I have noticed on more than one occaision, life itself is unfair, and there is no complaint department, so we might as well accept things the way they happen, clean up the mess,...

Rectory always sounded to me like a place you would find a proctologist.

Have you noticed how difficult it is just to get along in the world? If you’re no good at all in your job, people treat you badly and eventually you will be unemployed. And if...

Or was he saying, “Hi! Wanna play?”And I did. Of course I did.

Since I am not actually a real human being, my emotional responses are generally limited to what I have learned to fake.

Me, feeling. What a concept.

They like to tell us that it is important to speak the truth, but it has been my experience that real happiness lies in having people tell you what you want to believe, usually not...

It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of...

The mind picks some very bad times to take a walk doesn’t it?

It is a well-worn truth that cops grow callous, a cliché so tattered that it is even common on television. All cops face things every day that are so gruesome, brutal, and bizarre that no...

I had become a perfect fake human, saying the stupid and pointless things that humans say to each other all day long.

No blood at all. I could hear that phrase repeat itself in my head, louder each time. No sticky, hot, messy, awful blood. No splatter. NO BLOOD AT ALL. Why hadn’t I thought of that?

He had an AM radio playing a conservative talk show. The host was making some very interesting statements about the president. I don’t usually pay much attention to politics, but from what the man said,...

In its own way the kiss had been an act of murder.

Perhaps it was only that I did not feel any crazier than I had ever felt. I did not notice any missing gray tissue, I did not seem to be thinking any slower or more...

I mean, really: what kind of person could possibly dislike me?

A man can take only so much. Even a phony man like me.

The mission sat in a converted store front on the corner of a medium-busy street. There was a small crowd gathered in front – no real surprise, since they gave out food and clothing, all...

In that tremendous flash of freedom, on my way to do The Thing for the first time, sanctioned by Almighty Harry, I receded, faded back into the scenery of my own dark self, whole the...

Really now: If you can’t get me my newspaper on time, how can you expect me to refrain from killing people?

The key to a happy life is to have accomplishments to be proud of and purpose to look forward to, and at the moment I had both. How wonderful it was to be me.

I was never more alive than when the Dark Passenger was driving.

After a long moment I closed the freezer door. I wanted to lie down and press my cheek against the cool linoleum. Instead I reached out with my little finger and flipped the Barbie’s head....

But what could I do? Be stupid for a while? I wasn’t sure I knew how, even after so many years of careful observation.

Why bother inflicting enormous pain on yourself when sooner or later Life would certainly get around to doing it for you?

What, in all very seriousness, the hell was going on?

When faced with people who have very limited conversational skills and no apparent desire to cultivate any it’s always easier to simply go along.

And as always seems to happen when I have reached the point where I am ready to take decisive action, everything began to happen at once.

Killing makes me feel good.

I had killed our careful relationship by driving my tongue through its heart and pushing it off a cliff.

A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else’s box of matches

You’re driving me NORMAL!

It was almost enough to make me feel emotion.

It really is better to be lucky than to be good.

I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?

Doakes had a first name! It was Albert – had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name was Sergeant.