Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I’m never sure who’s going to kill me first.

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you’ll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you...

My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.

When I make love to you, Lanie, I want you to feel every inch of me buried deep inside of you, loving you, worshiping your body…

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

What is with these guys? Where’s the thrill in watching snakes eat?I certainly didn’t thrill in watching humans eat.

Sometimes the most remarkable things seem commonplace. I mean when you think about it jet travel is pretty freaking remarkable. You get in a plane it defies the gravity of a entire planet by exploiting...

at first I thought you were just using me” she said”I definitely am.” I just wasn’t sure for what.”Asshole!” she said, and punched me in the side. And she laughed as my kidney began to...

After we deal and heal…NOT A A SHRED OF EVIDENCE EXISTS THAT LIFE IS SERIOUS…..Jan Marshall

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Clearly, you underestimate my relationship with wine and what I do on the weekends when I’m by myself reading.

One of the greatest myths in the world – & the phrase ‘greatest myths’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘big fat lies’ — is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if...

I had a dream about you last night, you were the same piece of S**t I know and hate in real life.

So you’re going to Walmart, huh? Those checkout lines can take an eternity to get through. Well, pick me up some chips while you’re there.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

Ça va. Nap time is over.

There are a lot of things I can’t control. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few days.I don’t want what I am going to face, what kind of choices I am...

You saw my leg?””How can a man help what he sees?” he said. “And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

I had a dream about you. I invented and sold shoes that left no footprints, and you were thinking about committing a murder in a muddy area. I said that committing a murder was a...

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

A lot of people have it in for me. It’s practically a school sport.

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

I had a dream about you. I ran a marathon like a mannequin stands still, and you stood still like Roger Bannister runs errands.

A giant! A giant in the forest! And we’re supposed to give him English lessons! Always assuming, of course, we can get past the herd of murderous centaurs on the way in and out! I...

People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L’Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

He said he loves her more because she makes him smile. Fine! I’ll give him the Glasgow smile. Beat that, bitch!

And then there’s the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office or while waiting outside my first-graders’ classrooms at the end of the school...

It has been found that reading love quotes is beneficial to your health. It has been found by me, and I found it under my bed.

I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

Make everything an adventure. Otherwise, it will suck.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Sex with an exIs it ever really painless or just inviting stress?I mean, reallyWho does that?Oh wait, I’m sure if they could, most everyone would…

Ish #109 “If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You’ll get there quicker.

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

Remember every vote count’s and every two are worth a nickel

Going to work every day was like my hair was on fire and all I had to put it out was a hammer.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR. AT LEAST, YOU GET TO READ STUFF THAT’S WRITTEN BY PEOPLE WHO CAN WRITE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR, YOU DON’T NEED...

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.