I’m sorry,” he says.”What? Why?””You’re fixing everything I set down.” He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. “It wasn’t polite of me to come in and start touching your things.””Oh, it’s okay,”...

Nature is a porno. Deal with it.

Love is all you need in this world. Well, at least until you die of thirst or you freeze to death.

When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in...

There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one...

Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!

The real mystery isn’t what’s under the redaction mark, but what’s above it.

Everyone is a fuckin’ Napoleon.

I’m unreliable, admittedly, so you can’t believe me when I say I’m unreliable. I’m also in love, so that may contribute to my unreliability.

The information age is so psychotic – without the cell phone and Internet, I would be drama free right now.

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

Courage is as common as young men with more sperm in their sacks than sense in their skulls.

If I’m going down, I’m going down with lipstick on.

Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck.

He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.

There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the...

Look, Mrs. McGillicuddy, it’s not my fault your son jumped out a dorm room window on Christmas eve. I’ve written over fifty books as a Columbia professor, all right? You don’t do that by holding...

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him — which I assumed was wildly out of his control —...

What did you think of him?” Cade asked.”Give me some credit,” Zach said. “Guy’s more full of shit than a duck pond.

The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to branch out and start networking more. Unless you are a pile of cat...

I asked my interior designer to give me something appropriate for defiling virgins.

Welcome to Dinnerville, where it’s always breakfast. When love is in the air, you can tell it’s about to rain.

I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back.

Sunday is always one of those days when you don’t feel bad that it has arrived.

He took a breath, then proclaimed, ‘Lady Shaselle of Hytanica, I am in love with you.’ I burst into laughter, pulling my legs up to ease my aching stomach muscles. He rolled onto his side...

I walk slowly when I’m being introspective and nostalgic. Some might call it moping. But I don’t. I call it love.

My demons creep like a pedo in a park full of kids. Each one reminding me of the consequences, what I didn’t do, or did.

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It appears your son was 85 percent curry!

I have a mansion of an imagination, and I cordially invite you to come sleep in my shed.

I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective.

My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part of some combo meal somewhere.

Love isn’t all flowers, candles, and dancing midgets. No, it is much, much taller than all that.

How above-the-law children’s books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).

I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made...

He was in love with Eve and ran around like some kind of inter dimensional Dr. Who with a sonic screw loose.

We need to go rough up a big bad wolf, and half the pack is already leaving.

I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought I could cure both at once, so I tricked you into getting naked...

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

Eternity is not a super-abundance of time, but timelessness.

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.

It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.

These cities grew in approximately the same places as our cities do now, however different the shape of the continents was. There was even a New York that in some way resembled the New York...

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

I don’t want to be a supermodel; I want to be a role model.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.