You took your clothes off?””You didn’t notice?””No! Jeez Louise, I don’t even know you.””If you look under the covers, you’ll know me better.””I don’t want to know you better!””That’s a big fib,” Diesel said.

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

I had a dream about you. You loved me, and I loved you. We had an amazing life until you realized that I also loved your clone. You were jealous, and I didn’t see the...

Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention.

Big lots,’ I said, seeing the eighty-year-old oaks and shady lawns. The houses were set way back and had iron fences and stone drives. The harder to hear your neighbors scream, my dear,’ was David’s...

I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few...

She’s a librarian, Sim said. They’re not teachers; don’t give you half as much hassle. If there’s a fire in the school and I’ve got to choose who I’m gonna save – a teacher or...

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.

I had a dream about you. The sky looked threatening, and hail the size, shape, and color of boxing gloves started pounding us in the face. Luckily my mustache looked like Chuck Norris, and you...

If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all.

Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

In New York I’d go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I’ve upped it to six or seven, mainly because I’m too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the...

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to...

Do not mess with this man’s threads!

Humans had spent thousands of years climbing out of caves and building technology so they could reach the moon and live in caves again.

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

Thank you for that, boy genius! Where did you graduate from? Hogwarts School for the Mentally Unbalanced?

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.

You were the one who threatened us with an Inquisitor,” the Bishop reminded him. With a smile.The Speaker’s smile was just as chilly. “And you’re the one who told the people I was Satan and...

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper.

I mean that it’s all right to go to bed with an asshole but don’t ever have a baby with one.

We’re going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie

I hold my cats like any other broom you’d use to sweep the floor. I’m a janitor among animal lovers.

Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

In retrospect, I am very nearly as sharp as I pretend to be.

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten.”My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. “It’s Cat,” I repeated...

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

I had a dream I was a millionaire. So I’m still in my coma don’t try and wake me.

Six months ago when she first came up with the idea to kill Wilson, back when she was living in Memphis, she’d started going to church again. Since she was spending so much time thinking...

I heard the man and woman cry a warning as I frantically racked my brain for some sort of throat-repairing spell, which I was clearly about to need. Of course the only words that I...

I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I’ll rub off one before I go to sleep

I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

THE END.” At this point, I’m 50% certain it sucks, 50% certain it’s brilliant, and 100% certain if I don’t show it to someone I will spontaneously combust.

First rule of Angel Club, you do not talk about Angel Club.

Less bitching…more learning.

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.