Collecting gold and silver is like collecting your freedom, one ounce at a time.

I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.

Even Cronus, the Titan who literally had his kids for breakfast, would find these facts hard to swallow.

What’s your name?””Emma Gould,” she said. “What’s yours?””Wanted.””By all the girls or just the law?

The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have a deal where if you buy a dozen roses you get a free...

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper.

I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.

We’re going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie

Ik wilde niet aan haar denken en me op de mantra concentreren: MAAA, zei ik bij het inademenen en OEEMMM bij het uitademen. MAAA… het was vast al bijna twee uur… OEEMMM. MAAA… je zou...

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now that she left and took all her love.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

In retrospect, I am very nearly as sharp as I pretend to be.

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

Because sometimes in life, Ken didn’t always choose Barbie. (Jane Alcott)

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to...

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink needs refilling.

I barely recognize him with his clothes on.

I was rolling the dead warrior over to steal his cloak, too, knowing it would be far too large on me, when I noticed the blade stashed in the back of his belt. It was...

I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.

You’re such a cynic,” Molly said.”I think cynics are playful and cute.

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won’t pull over. He slams the horn.”Arthur,” I say.The car doesn’t yield.”Arthur,” I say.He hits...

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

I’d rather be stung to death by a bunch of piss ants. ~Synola Harper, You’re Busting My Nuptials

The only thing set in stone are dumb quotes and names of dead people. Everything else is subject to change.

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.

There is no way I’m going out in public like this!”It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn’t ask where he got the money from, images...

So, I’m a playwright. In Minneapolis. Which means that I find myself operating in a pretty lefty crowd, most of the time. And most of my energy goes towards arguing with that, and musing about...

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.

People who were raised on The Bible can never tell the difference between a warning and an advertisement.

[Francesca] ‘You really are a few biscuits short of breakfast.’His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.’You’re a few colors shy of a rainbow?’ she offered. ‘Not pulling a full wagon? Knitting with only one needle? All foam...

From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not.

There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.

You better not be dead. This team is already overflowing with ankle spankers. I was looking forward to having more women around.” Yara’s eyelids fluttered open. She blinked a few times, focused on him, and...

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking.

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I’m not Martha proof—I’m merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.

ost.

You don’t happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?” “I don’t have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.

Beer is my coffee.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country.

Bean finds the best apple in our tree and hands it up to me. “You know what this tastes like when you first bite into it?” she asks. “No, what?” “Blue sky.” “You’re zoomed.” “You...

I didn’t know a van could go up on two wheels like that, for so long.” -Nudge

Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being ‘tolerant of differences.’ The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is?...