He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.

…If you’d like to go back in there and try kicking him, I recommend aiming upward and a bit to the left–

Courage is just dreams with shoes on.

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.

The mascot for the New York Mets should be a handshake. But first, let me wash my hands.

Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

Mom and Dad exchange a nervous glance and have a telepathic conversation about it. I hear every word. Do we let her out? It’s past curfew. True, but look at that—at least she asked! I...

Remember what happened last time with the ‘cuda.

Sometimes we can focus so much on nothing that we make it a big something of nothing

Everyone says it’s wrong, ‘drinking and driving’, don’t they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than ‘drinking and driving’: 1. ‘drinking’; 2. ‘driving’.Do you know how many people were killed...

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

You know Quinn?” Macaulay asked me.”Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed.”Macaulay grinned. “I hope you keep his acquaintance like that – social””Meaning what?”Macaulay’s grin became rueful. “He used to be my broker,...

Sometimes am so worried,i complain to God that He’s not been listening to my prayers,and then my son comes and says,”hey dad,why are you not mom?”ilook at him and say,God.you’ve already answered my prayers with...

My flashlight’s not working. I don’t know if the batteries are dead, but my mother-in-law sure as hell isn’t. When she dies, my love can live.

Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

If only Myrtle would pay attention to the Boy’s Own Journal, Blackwood’s Magazine, etc., she would know that these creatures were Threls, who come from a worldlet called Threlfall on the far side of the...

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. “How does he always get food stuck to him?” I asked Morelli. “I don’t know,” Morelli said. “It’s a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out...

I’d rather own something that’s worth millions to nobody, than something that’s worth nothing to millions.

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

Lady Sylvia McCordle: Mr Weissman — Tell us about the film you’re going to make.Morris Weissman: Oh, sure. It’s called “Charlie Chan In London”. It’s a detective story.Mabel Nesbitt: Set in London?Morris Weissman: Well, not...

Children are like geniuses, only smarter. Ocala has more creative kids than any other city named Ocala. That’s scientific, because there is only one city named Ocala, and it was named after a city not...

Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead’s bushy eyebrows fell off because they were not his own eyebrows, but false ones. As she woke again, her first impression was that which...

Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.

I thoughtyou were some kind of psychopath.” My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath.

I was on the floor. “Um, a little help?” Christopher put his hand down. Martini cleared his throat and Christopher’s hand retracted. “I can handle it, thanks.” “There’s nothing amorous about pulling someone off the...

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

My name is Matt Besser, and I’m an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I’m an atheist now living in...

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

My father looked on in disbelief, overwhelmed that his son had been taught to eat glass and relish it.

It’s not the books by Stephen King that I read,I need protection from the things in my head . . .

Our love was so hot it could melt the polar ice caps. In fact, my passion’s probably to blame for global warming.

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.

My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I went to watch the Buzkasgu game taking place on a series of fields – some fallow, some plowed and planted- just to the east of the empty Buddha niches. Buzkashi is a form of...

A woman has to look good, but a man—a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Going to take it up as a hobby?

Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face,I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-bites,Walt, you have slept enough, why don’t you get up?”(From Meow...

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise?

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves. They’re lined with fur and are perfect for a cold February 14th winter...

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

I don’t see why ogling same-sex kissing should be the exclusive domain of frat boys whacking off to lesbian action, that’s so sexist. Feminism should be all inclusive- it should be about sexual liberation, equal...