To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!” Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer

Knowing more people is not important in growing your business. However, more people knowing you is the key to wealth. Be a magnet, and all the refrigerators will come to you—along with all the free...

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

Love is like a rain cloud under the dome of an umbrella. But I’m cool with that, because that’s what I call a portable shower.

I love it–I just love it.

Violet: “You’re an asshole.” Onyx: “Thank you, it’s something that took an eternity to perfect.

I can’t think of a word to rhyme with marble column.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

I call him by his first name only. We’re that friendly. Plus, with a last name of McGee, why would I ever bother calling him by his full name of Dicksmear McGee?

Of all the trees we could’ve hit, we had to get one that hits back.

Man who hates cats is insecure, but a man who likes them is one worth keeping. If he can appreciate a cat, he can appreciate a strong, independent woman.

I planted the seed in her imagination, and then I farmed it. Like a fisherman.

I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted.

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

The more obscure our tastes, the greater the proof of our genius.

I bought a big brown stuffed animal. You know, for dinner.

The old me is younger than the new me, the me now.

Paris answered for him. “Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed...

It was dark in the alley, and I was afraid I’d get mugged. Coffee also fears it’ll get mugged.

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy, and make the most of where you are

Diplomacy never works.

However, my next-door neighbors had an entirely different manner of eating. When I’d go over there for dinner, it was buffet style, only a truly global sampling. Beluga caviar from Iran, with each individual egg...

I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer.

In my experience, I’ve found myself to be inexperienced. But at least I found myself. Some people spend their lives searching in vain.

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

Don’t forget to give Neville our love!’ Ginny told James as she hugged him.’Mum! I can’t give a professor love!”But you know Neville-‘James rolled his eyes.’Outside, yeah, but at school he’s Professor Longbottom, isn’t he?...

Everyone wants a piece of you. The trick is what piece to give.

ohmygoodNESS!

Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know.

I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.

Abbey,” Sarah said, “life is to be lived. If you’re living, you’re going to stumble along the way.””All the time?” Abigail lept to her feet and began to pace. “I have such a bad temper...

Guns don’t kill people , people kill people

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

A present is not the source of buying someone’s love but its a source of showing how much u love and apriciate that particular person

[…] he had his hand on your -” He put his hand at waist level behind me, without touching me.”He had his hand on my ass?””No,” they said.”Behind your back,” Rashad said. “Like you’re dating...

I can cook a mean hamburger. I can also cook a rude hamburger, and probably a sarcastic one, depending on how snarky the patty gets.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

I am a great customer. I’m not a loyal customer, but that’s what makes me great—my willingness to shop other brands for better buys.

Right, you’ve got a crooked sort of cross…” He consulted Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ — sorry about that — but there’s a thing that could be the...

Economists and psychologists get confused when they are asked ‘out of syllabus’ questions by life!

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

If you ever find yourself in a blender with a banana and an orange, just start throwing karate chops.

I’ve got to pee.

I’m trusting you not to break my heart. If it gets even a scratch, I’ll break your face. -Shaye

I loved her like Monday’s not Sunday. Is it yesterday yet? I won’t know if we were meant to be together forever until six days from now. That’s a long time. Also, that’s a long...

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

[My mom’s] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it’s her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.