You don’t find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me…what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter

Stealing is wrong Billy

I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.

If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in “Death of the Mad Hatter” (Coming Soon!)

The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word ‘pen’ had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay...

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.

Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police – preferably in writing.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

If I could get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case, follow from the front.

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: “What the heck is going on down there?

It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day.

Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind of thing. It’s an after day thing.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I...

Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college degree, too. Both require the same reading level.

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there.

Sie ist ein Vampir.Ihre Schönheit und Anziehungskraft hätten mir verdächtig vorkommen müssen!Gut, dass ich ihr meine Telefonnummer nicht gegeben habe!

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

I get scared at night. That’s why I got a cat—for protection. Cats are deadlier than Teddy bears.

Fishing is water hunting, and I’m casting my net wide as we speak. I’m in the desert, fishing for fossils.

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

We made love like green is blue. That’s because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow.

A sick,sad world.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

I sometimes rub a bag of potato chips, but honestly, it’s no substitute for petting a cat. I’m the sort if pet owner that doesn’t approve of high fructose corn syrup.

Sunglasses block the sun, but why bother with all that when my love could do it more effectively? My love shines so bright it makes the sun seem like the moon.

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.

There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.

The baloney weighed the raven down, and the shopkeeper almost caught him as he whisked out the delicatessen door.

For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.

I can always say no to a bottle of booze, but only after saying yes to the alcohol inside.

I might be half Derek’s size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.

If I were to be honest, I’m probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

I want to open a 24-hour store called Closed. It’s open, and it’s Closed.

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic.

Just because I’m insane doesn’t mean I have to act all crazy.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Great, tell me when you’ve defeated Voldemort for me, will you?

I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for your sadness.

The Law of Meetings: Few are the meeters, many are the meetees.

I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.

I haven’t seen my old friends in a while. Maybe next week I’ll go visit them in the nursing home.

The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.

Fred, you next,” the plump woman said. “I’m not Fred, I’m George,” said the boy. “Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can’t you tell I’m George?” “Sorry, George, dear.” “Only joking, I am Fred,”...