Looking can make you want. Wanting can get you thinking. If you want them to stop thinking, just give them what they want.

Never marry something until you’ve established the perfect pizza ratio…The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we’re a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two...

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

What the hell time is it?” muttered the old man. He was always an aggressive sleeper. Sleep was one of the things he did best, and he loved it. Some look upon sleep as an...

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

We are not born with a need for knowledge, but a hunger for it. Eve bit the apple and it has been gluttony ever since.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they find to laugh at.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

When speaking to an asshole, why expect anything but shit?

It probably wasn’t entirely her fault that she was such a bitter person. Having a name like Grace can be a serious stigma, especially when nature has endowed you with about as much charm as...

I prefer the light approach because I believe there is a great deal of false reverence about.

My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from the sky first.

What can I say? I prefer to die well informed.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you’ll sleep like a log.

I can’t give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you’d set it on fire.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose.

I’ve heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Today I will masterbate!Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips,...

Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

My hand inside a glove is like a painting in a frame, and should be insured as such. The things my hand makes have immense value, so how much more valuable is the thing that...

The body, the mind, and the spirit don’t form a pyramid, they form a circle. Each of them runs into the other two. The body isn’t below the mind and the spirit; from the point...

His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk Flatbush.

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there’s someone else to do the housework.

plus one.” But I did get all worked up, and I spent the evening on the couch, crying.

See, they say it’s ‘survival of the fittest’, but you and I really know that it’s ‘survival of the most heavily armed

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

I had sex with a statue a few months ago. The sex was so still that I’m still wearing the condom.

A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily...

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

It’s my experience that you first feel the impulse to write in your chest. It’s like falling in love, only more so. It feels like something criminal. It feels like unspeakably wild sex. So, think:...

I don’t work out, but I do work in, which requires more focus and stillness.

She was in big trouble now.”You stupid man,” she said to the body on the floor. “Why did you have to lunge at me like that? Why couldn’t you have left well enough alone? I...

Is this bitch crazy? I don’t want to ‘accidentally’ drown

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he’ll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee.”That was code. It...

I don’t understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

We kings do develop a certain ability to recognize objects under our noses.

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: ‘Who’s the third?

I’d tell you nice try, but… it wasn’t.

I’m a mother,” said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, “and I know what I know.

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a...

Lucifer, how, after a dozen millennia in Hell, could you possibly lose your way?” the Devil asked incredulously. “Well,” the lesser demon began, “It is a rather large place…

Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...