Never invite someone who is speaking a foreign language in your presence to “Go back to your country.” The only time that phrase is every acceptable is if you are British and you are speaking...

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being ‘tolerant of differences.’ The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is?...

I had to start watching [The Real Housewives of New Jersey] every week because, well, my IQ was just too high. I mean seriously up there. What can I tell you? After watching every episode,...

Jehovah’s Witness are welcomed into my home…You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick...

When I opened the last [401k] statement, I jumped out of the window. True, it was the kitchen window and I only fell two feet, so the whole scene lacked drama, but I thought that...

Who can fail to mist at Fergie’s anthem, ‘My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.’ Hmmm. ‘My lunch, my lunch, I swear it’s coming up.

Okay, let’s see if I got this straight. The butt is the new breast, and the lower back is the new ankle. Now if only we could figure out where the brain has moved.

[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: “Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you’ll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He’s just been...

Severe isn’t a word normally associated with a cold. Severe is for weather or third-degree burns…No one responds ‘severe’ when someone asks how her cold is.In fact, nine out of ten Americans respond to ‘How’s...

Never marry something until you’ve established the perfect pizza ratio…The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we’re a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two...

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, ‘Fifty is the new forty!’ Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as...

She suggested we ‘crouch’ buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows.Now, my husband can’t see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes...

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] ‘Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!’Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: ‘My Fifteen-Year-Old’s in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us’ or ‘My...

I’m fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.Of course, you’d have to have a heart...

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is...