A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.

In WASP families, if you don’t get along with someone, you have as little to do with them as possible. In Jewish families, you move next door, to make them as miserable as possible.

I needed to take her to a concert, or maybe invite her out to go stencil street art in the middle of the night. Except I hadn’t done that since middle school. And I’m not...

Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician.”- G. A. Custer

Love is the throbbing that keeps you awake at night. Or is that simply from taking too much Viagra?

Childhood is either absurdly superficial or profoundly shitty. There’s no in-between. Anyone who reminisces about their happy childhood is delusional.

What’s safer turned off? The TV. Less murder in the world.

Anger is like sex urge, once gratified, the inner voice calls you a stinking fool.

For your penance, say two Hail Marys, three our Fathers, and,” he added, with a chuckle, “say a special prayer for the Dodgers.

She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch.

Don’t push me, I’m hormonal.”I’m not really a lousy detective, just rough around the edges.

Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

Sing a song of suspense in which the players die.Four and twenty ravens in an Edgar Allan Pie.When the pie was broken, the ravens couldn’t sing.Their throats had been sliced open by Stephen, the new...

I’ve seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

My name is Percy Jackson. I’m twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled...

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!

She doesn’t understand that a writer is a special creature–that I’m different from everyone else. I’m not saying I’m superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

Pardon me Mam,I’m new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

What are you talking about?” Narcissus demanded. “I am amazing. Everyone knows this.””Amazing at pure suck,” Leo said. “If I was as suck as you, I’d drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

I’d like touch screens better if they were furry, like cats.

He had had much experience of physicians, and said ‘the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not’.

I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself “Dijkstra would not have liked this”,...

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.

Me neither,” Leo admitted.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds...

Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.

I had been to school most all the time, and could spell, and read, and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don’t...

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?””You may ask.””How old are you?””It’s none of your business

I had a dream about you. You started following me on Twitter, and then you started following me around town. I wouldn’t mind so much of you would start throwing your hashtags away, rather than...

Frank stared at her. “But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters.”Iris looked horrified. “Oh, they’re not Ding Dongs.”She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like...

I had a dream about you. It was New Year’s Eve. I remember because we celebrated my birthday on March 5th. You gave me a gift, and we argued over whether it was late or...

I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.

Nous esperons que notre grand-père vivra encore longtemps.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven. He was deaf, and you were blind to the fact that you had...

Just don’t ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we’ll get along great.

A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a...

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

Mermon’s tiny black dot eyes managed to widen into larger black dots. “No, no, no, Sir. I was just… curious.” “Curiosity is a good thing, like onion soup. But too much onion soup makes you...

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I had a dream about you. I was selling dreams and you were selling sleep. We decided to partner up, until I used some of your product and went for a sleepwalk and fell off...

People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify...

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.

I believe in the power of love. Also, I like cats.