I only had one drink. The problem was, my vodka glass could hold one gallon. I thought I was in love, but I was really intoxicated.

I suppose I knew on an intellectual level that graves weren’t especially made for getting out of. I mean, you start with a hermetically sealed casket and then you dump six feet of dirt on...

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything.

Maybe someday you will, though. If you do, that’s fine, and if you don’t, that’s fine too. For right now, you can just kiss Daddy.” He leaned in and kissed Ty on the forehead.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Humor was a good way to hide the pain.

Credo di sembrare un tipo normale, forse persino simpatico, anche se mi hanno consigliato di apparire il più normale possibile, e di non provare nemmeno a fare quella che a me parrebbe un’espressione simpatica o...

Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret society plotting to take over the world. But that’s utter nonsense. That group...

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

Weeping willows remind me of summer. And sadness. I wonder if tissues are made out of their trunks.

Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?

Of course we got drunk!” Semyon said. “It’s okay to get drunk, Anton. If you need to real bad. Only you have to get drunk on vodka. Cognac and wine—that’s all for the heart.””So what’s...

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.

I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren’t called turtlenecks, I wouldn’t have worn them.

When it comes to Jews, you have a two-thousand-year memory, but when it comes to us Palestinians, you have a sixty-year amnesia.

I’m stronger than a pack of crackers and a pack of midgets, but not the PAC 12. PAC 11, maybe, but not 12.

We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and...

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I’m out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.

What should I say? ‘Well, the murder was a little upsetting, and the fire did worry me a bit. I was nearly date-raped and my ex best friend is crazy. But, hey, at least I’m...

Sin said, “Lust was never satisfied. She was the largest of the three, and had the loudest, most unforgiving cry. When I tried to give her breast milk, Lust wanted more food in addition, so...

I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.

Pizza tastes as good as being skinny feels.

We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.””Scrabble?” He sounds surprised. “Scrabble’s great.””Not when you’re playing with a family of geniuses, it’s not. They all put words like ‘iridiums’. And I put ‘pig’.

I fucking hate you.” Women! They can be so confusing and hard to understand with the cryptic way they speak.

I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.

The art teacher’s scarlet book was called Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille. ‘As the title suggests,’ Mr Dunwoody saw the book’d caught my attention, ‘it’s about the history of opticians. What are you...

My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.

At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night and decide for yourself.

You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first” “Yes””Well, it’s truer in bed than it is anywhere else.

He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.

I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)

It’s okay to be a loser, it just depends on how good you are at being one.

It’s a stream of senses and thoughts that happen during sleep. But that’s not important right now.”

Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

It’s hot. I’m sweatin’. I don’t want to go campin’,” his voiced pitched high to mock me.

I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time.

Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not with this book. Well, except for the mystical bit. This book is guaranteed...

Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.

I sat down and tried to write a story.”Ian MacArthur is a wonderful sweet fellow who wears glasses and peers out of them with delight.”That was the first sentence. The problem was that I just...

I make love like I make dinner. I order take out.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.

Jamal stared at the dog in his arms. “Why I am I holding a dog full of angels?

I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out...