So what else can I tell you?” I asked. “I mean, to get you to reveal Lily to me.”She triangled her fingers under her chin. “Let’s see. Are you a bed wetter?””Am I a…?””Bed wetter....

Those items your woman is looking at are a gift from the goddess, you oaf!

He had an ugly mug. Yes, both his face and his coffee cup were hideous.

don’t try to hate me or even judging my attitude anyway you are gonna fall in love.

Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.

There is nothing that I so greatly admire as purposefulness. I have an enormous respect for people who know exactly what they are doing and where they are going. Such people are compact and integrated....

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

New Rule: Don’t name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means...

Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.

It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn’t devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More...

I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?

Act like you’re in pain.” Then she mimics a painful expression in case Summer doesn’t understand. On the contrary, Summer’s an expert at interpreting body language and reading lips. It’s all thanks to her observant...

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

I heard Africa was having a drought, so I mailed them a bucket of tears. Hope that helps, fellas.

Sorry,ʺ she said, her face shining with joy when she saw me. ʺShould have put a sock on the door. Didnʹt realize things were getting hot and heavy.ʺʺNo avoiding it,ʺ I said lightly, clasping Dimitriʹs...

The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solidfluid, and I would have bought something, but the only thing I...

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

If you want to bend your mind, don’t use a crowbar.

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

Volnaka … did a remarkable job of getting anyone drunk with alacrity. It also worked well as a combustible in lamps, as paint remover, was a marvelous antiseptic and was singularly effective at erasing any...

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

When did swearing become so easy? You still would never swear in front of your parents or most adults, but when you’re with your friends it’s like every fifth word. Why couldn’t learning Spanish be...

The quickest way to alter an altar is not with a hammer, or even religious deconstruction, but with a typo.

There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask.

Have some Itch Soup. I made it from scratch. It tastes like beef jerky, minus the beef. It has all the flavor of starts and stops.

You’re doing it again and it really annoys me. In fact, I will have to kill you now because I have a lot of untamed energy because of the Sex God. I’m going to have...

Our love meant the world to me. Well, certainly a globe at least.

Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?Waxilliam: Why?Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers...

REBEL” hats and Confederate flag bandannas. I laughed so hard I think I broke a rib.

That creature’s staying?’ It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

This is why we can’t have nice things…

USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: “Deh moon looks like hell, don’t it?

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

PricklyWhen I’m feelingporcupine-y,I get nasty,I get whiny.Stay away orI might stick you.My sharp words arequills to prick you.

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

I advise you to be suspicious of any black American whose family does not claim a blood connection to Native Americans. That’s a clear sign of a racial infiltrator who has not done enough research.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and...

One of Renee’s friends asked her, “Does your boyfriend wear glasses?” She said, “No, he wears a Walkman.

I think you’ll find that I’m qualified to deal with practically everything, if I choose. That last part, of course, is essential. –Devyn DuChien

There’d been some nights when my fat ass had saved my ass (ba-dum-tsh).