I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

Love is two souls occupying one bed. Though not a bunk bed.

I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy.

What are you doing thinking? Get back to work.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

If history teaches us anything, it’s that governments are always right, and they always do what’s in the best interest of the people, even at the expense of their own political agenda. In every situation,...

Why not? If you’re not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.””You’re a twisted little man.””Come on, Stretch, share with the class.””No!” I laughed.”Prude.””Perv.””Schoolmarm.””Some other word that essentially means...

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

What was that?” Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn’t escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.

Happy Birthday.”

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

If you look up to see a shooting star, you might miss the silver dollar on the sidewalk. But no matter where you look, or where you travel, you’ll never get lost or arrive late...

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

I don’t know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

If a weakly mortal is to do anything in the world besides eat the bread thereof, there must be a determined subordination of the whole nature to the one aim no trifling with time, which...

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her...

If knowledge is but sorrow’s spy, it proves a double agent by and by.

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

No…they’re…not hot.

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.

She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I’m no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I’m pretty sure that’s flirting.

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That’s, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone’s ever said.””I’m willing to believe it’s the least flirtatious thing you’ve ever said.””Why are you...

Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.

God is an early bird; satan is a night owl. Everyone knows that.

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to...

Yes, that is the official term.

I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!

Kissimmee has the best name, other than Hugsburg and Fornicatesville.

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.

Wow. What’d he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn’t set the building on fire in the first place.

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.

They also have a sense of irony, which America doesn’t have seeing as it’s being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

I like to bunch words together to form new words, like “off” and “ice” to form “office.” But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office...

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan’s Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a...

My love is in the shape of a car, and when it hits you you’ll notice.