If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn’t play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa...

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

Foul!” yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. “Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Nice guys finish last but that’s what makes them good in bed.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.

this was business.

I’d love to be what I have been.

Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet?...

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People in hell want snowcones.

If there’s a sexier sound on this planet than the person you’re in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don’t know what it is.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won’t give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.

A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but safety first!

You need anything we’re only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We’ll help you hide the body.

I thoughtyou were some kind of psychopath.” My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

I had done Shrek as a Canadian and I’m very proud to be Canadian, but I knew I could give more to it.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

You are funny like a kid and awesome like a princessUnseen like an angel, like the morning sunshine… Kindness like a river and highness like a mountain, In the middle of the Rheine, the cute...

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids.

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and...

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

It’s hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I...

Jokes are many things. ‘Funny’ is only one of them.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.

Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.

Play and be happy.

leadership” in Washington DC—on both sides of the political spectrum.

Words were his delight; Hers, a gay gracefulnessOf dancing and moving. But when to the place Of deep loving (Starlight at midnight)At last they came, Their full communion And consummation,Their complete sphere,Was stillness for her,Silence...

Leggo my Eggo!

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still...

Sexual reproduction and food — humans’ two favorite subjects.

I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. – Tran

A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac.

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.