A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

But Amy,” Elder says. “Space suits!

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Eating be eating, b’ain’t it, Birdie?”Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. ‘Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or...

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words...

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

Claws to self, Vampira, I assume you brush your teeth twice a day but I have no idea where those hands of yours have been.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means…Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I’m sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at...

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, ‘I ain’t got any tattoo on my back.”What you got on it?’ the girl said.’My shirt,’ Parker...

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

You know that’s why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It’s because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

Fuck,” Ranger said.Ranger didn’t often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door...

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

That’s what I hear Janet. Of course, living it up can take years off your life and add them to your face.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.

There is a lot to learn about love and positions.

Remember: if everyone else gives 110% effort, and you give 120%, you’re really only giving a little over 109%.

You say that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world? Well I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body.

It’s just CIA being CIA.

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I’m not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I...

According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That’s crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can’t...

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there’d been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay off my American Express Bill”- Peter Ustinov, 1921-2004

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

Whatever it is,” I said, “the point is moot because as long as I’m on these pills, I can’t make contact to ask.”Derek … snapped, “Then you need to stop taking the pills.”Love to. If...

Do you want a cookie?- What?- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?- No.- How can you not want a cookie?- I just don’t.- Okay, fine,let’s say you did want a cookie. Let’s...

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams” This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he’s gone too far. Unfortunately, I can’t put a cover of my...

…You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? ....

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn’t had tripped you, you wouldn’t have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had...