Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

I said, names aren’t important,” he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: “Do you know what is important?”Will shook his head.”Supper is important!

Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half...

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

A text pops up on the screen. It’s from Luis. I can’t help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.Luis: Hey

As we drove uptown, I spotted a Kmart on a corner,with its familiar red sign.I cleared my throat.”Wait. Can we stop for a minute?””What for?””Just – I need a few things.”He looked irritated, but pulled...

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on

It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.

It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.

Jackass, jackass on the wall, where’s the info on Hex Hall?

Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don’t consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to...

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I think the special thing about Python is that it’s a writers’ commune. The writers are in charge. The writers decide what the material is.

Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.

I just wrote a book. But don’t go and buy it yet, because I don’t think it’s finished.

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term ‘entrepreneur’ but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

Oh, I am. You haven’t experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

They say you fear what you don’t understand. Maybe that’s why every time I’m in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain’t scored a triple.

I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.

Everyone thinks you’ve been kidnapped,” he said. “We’ve been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you’ve been here all night?””Frank!” Annabeth’s ears were as red as strawberries. “We just came down...

Stop begging the question – get a job and earn the question like everyone else.

What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.

I’m willing to forgive and forget, but damned if I’ll be forgiven and forgotten.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

…and a third had died in his bunk of natural causes– for a dagger in the heart quite naturally ends one’s life

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.

I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that...

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I told her I’d rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

You’ve got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants.””What the fuck does that even mean?” Hook demanded, then held up a hand. “Never mind, I don’t want to know.””Means fucking keeps you young.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

Love is two souls occupying one bed. Though not a bunk bed.

My dog hasn’t said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind