You honor our humble abode,’ said Bean.’I do, don’t I,’ said Peter with a smile.

Look at your eyes. You’ve got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.

I’m sorry.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”- Cruz

If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

I’m living proof there’s safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-m ché two.

Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I...

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let’s just say if I’m ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I’m covered.

Astronauts Make Better Lovers” Award. But I say, Take off your fucking helmet when I’m talking to you. And do they really make better lovers? I say, Put on your concrete boots, Lunar Child III,...

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves’s British accent and Gary Oldman’s elderly Count...

I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why it takes me 18 seconds to sneeze.

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

Girls are like Pokemon, it doesn’t matter how good you are, you can’t catch any if you don’t have any balls.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

I don’t have a car.”His eyes sliced into mine. “I walked here,” I explained. “I’m on foot.””Angel,” he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.