Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

Mer—mermaids. There are fish with women’s bodies or—women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I—I never knew…

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. “Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let’em go. If they don’t come back, hunt’em down and kill’em!

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

And so that means…””We have to rob the Henley,” Simon said.Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. “Again.

While they had security escort me out of the building, they couldn’t forcibly remove the trophy from my anus. If love were a competition, I’d be the winner.

One person may look and only see a tree, whereas others may look and see a tree with leaves.

Through my quick action, I was able to capture her mannerism and store it in a jar. It looks like mayonnaise, but it tastes like love.

I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!

Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

And you know what? It was your own damn fault. It was those jeans you wear, and the tool belt. It was the size of your hammer!

Nature is a porno. Deal with it.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle...

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I’ve seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it,” Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and...

A man should be more original than a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. Flowers die and sugar sticks to your hips like a permanent record to a criminal.

Oh, well, that’s not bad, I suppose. I mean, I’d prefer devastatingly sophisticated – but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

I’m healthy as an ox. And you?” “To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I’m fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

On the corner of Cathedral Road a raven sat in a tree watching him. He knew it was Dorkus for two reasons. Firstly, he’d told Dorkus to stay there to keep an eye on Michael....

The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”

But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.

We made love like green is blue. That’s because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

And from now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die — I’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong.

He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. “You’re so hot,” I said, my hand still on his leg. “I’m starting to think you have an amputee fetish,” he answered, still kissing me. I...

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.

I said, I ain’t buyin’ no chocolate covered cherries.” “Oh, come on. You know you want to.”D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. “I do not either want to,...

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Love is relentless, and so am I 😉

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

Hey,’ he said, touching my waist. ‘Hey. It’s okay.’ I nodded and wiped my face with the back of my hand. ‘He sucks.’ I nodded again. ‘I’ll write you an epilogue,’ Gus said. That made...

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.

You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major...

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

God might have been either drunk or naughty when he was creating women.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for...