A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all...

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious.

I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.

Meatloaf.

I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase… I merely obliged her by running.

All this talk of lost love has made me hungry. I eat like a horse and stand tall and proud like a jockey.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them… that’s why you’ll never hear any reggae on the radio!

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game,...

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Never start a fight with your hands in your pockets. Unless you’re instigating with an armless man.

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

I think the Internet’s been a tremendous tool in terms of breaking down the power structure of information and entertainment, particularly at a time when so much information and entertainment were in the hands of...

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other...

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It’s nature’s way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the...

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny...

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts,” he declared. “I doubt if he could kill a duck.”Tyrion shrugged. “Fetch the duck.

No I’m not.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.

Good dog! Nice fetch!””He wasn’t fetching.””Bring her here, boy. Good job!”The dog looked from Zack to me.”I’ve been training him,” Zack said. “Up till now he’s brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he’s...

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. “Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook....

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

I thought, What a miserable life he’s had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one...

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever...

I want her when she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want her when she wants me. Now that’s love in the 21st century!

I’m bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is “In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I’ve got to figure out how that happened.