Not only is life too short, it has acne and looks geeky in gym clothes.

Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do...

Walk On BaikuCup in hand, he singsI pass, playing deaf. Who’s theReal street performer?

My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?

Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

The Covert Comic: glans clitoridis of America’s intelligence gap.

Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.

If you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn’t a mistake.

I know a thing or two about a thing or two. One of those things is not love. Also, one of those things is not love.

I fixed your car,” he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. “You fixed my car?””I have walked the earth for more...

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.

They call it a mushroom cloud because ‘cauliflower cloud’ would just be too scary.

He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

Me and my grandma are getting married. Just not to each other.

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

Who cares even if I didn’t?!” Conor shouted back. “They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!”The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words...

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs?” Tears flowed down her face. “I don’t want to go down the hole! I won’t put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won’t be...

I may not carry a detective’s badge, but I’m certainly the highest ranking member of Albatross Harbor’s neighborhood watch program. And like tilapia, I know something smells fishy when I taste it. In my neighborhood,...

What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the...

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no...

JASON: ‘Intended wings.’ How depressing.MICHAEL: Yes. Makes them into suicides, really, the pigeons.JASON: No – no, it doesn’t. It could mean the wings were ‘intended’ to carry them upwards, out of the darkness, but they...

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to...

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Leadership is being the first egg in the omelet.

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

And you look beautiful,” she added.”I look like a cake.””But a beautiful cake.

If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else’s scene, everyone worked their...

The skanky vamp biting for bucks on the dark end of state street is your ex boyfriend?” William asked. The look on William’s face implied he hoped I washed after interacting with Parrish

Morality is of the highest importance – but for us, not for God.

When I’m drivin’ in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he’s tellin’ me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN’T GET NO!

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

We losers don’t fear death. For us it’s the end of a lifelong losing spell.

I have very happy memories of fairy tales. My mother used to take me to the library in Toronto to check out the fairy tales. And she was an actress, so she used to act...

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.