The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Let us go forth and unconquer the world!

V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.

SHUT UP. Both of you. You’re coming with me.” To me he said, “Put some pants on.””Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister...

If you feel like there’s something out there that you’re supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

Don’t say anything. Just act cool,” I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.”Like this?” it asked.”No, I mean act calm.”Mavkel stopped shivering.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means...

Running after the money and the honey makes the life stunningly funny.

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

But as an escort it’s our duty to hold their attention and play with their heads. The one between their ears and the one in their pants.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

Don’t get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria’s...

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?””I care” Simon said gloomily. “Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

Little bit,” she said.

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, “my dear leetle mongoose.” I wish he’d turn back into a frog and hop away.

Your love, it takes me to the moon. Let’s get back to the film studio and start over. Pour a small cup of coffee while I take one large sip for mankind.

I think it’s interesting.

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies.

Mom, how come you never go outside?””I told you, I’m a vampire.

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not...

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?

The chickens bounced onto the pink and purple bush and landed on Annika’s head.” It’s funny because nobody has ever said that before. I should get an award or something because I just made history!

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

I don’t view myself as a political leftie. I view myself as a storyteller who is fair to both sides.

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

There’s the theory that nudity doesn’t really make something sexy; the characters and their relationship make it sexy.

Vic knelt by Lucas’s side. ‘You look like crap, by the way.”Thanks for breaking it to me gently.’ Lucas took a deep breath, then groaned.

Life is too short to dance with ugly men

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call “food”.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I don’t do rectal, and I won’t use anything that involves an ass.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time for close to twenty-five years.

Dad says there are more than three thousand letters in the Japanese alphabet, which could pose a problem. There are only twenty-six letters in the English alphabet, and I get into enough trouble with them...

… a man doesn’t like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn’t know anything.

You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it.

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?