They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going...

Yes, Beck, I was planning on opening up shop. I was going to hang a sign on the cottage door and charge for it.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

His ass has seen more cock than a poultry farm!

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then...

A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus’s guest room.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah

She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. “I thought you had to go,” he said. “And don’t think i didn’t see you...

A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give...

Why write about the past? Well, there’s more of it.

Mr Moss’s courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

Is that clear?” said Borcht “as clear as pea soup” I said

Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what’s behind the freaking sky.

Hyperbolic statements will be the death of us all

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.

Americans accept that gangsters are running the government.

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn’t,it just makes them dead.

I’ve used drugs that I do consider to be dangerous, drugs that are potentially detrimental to kids and society at large.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

The doctor’s name was Sylvia. I told her she’d have a problem with me because Sylvia was my mother’s name.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

I left home because I was hungry.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.

Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

I’ll drive like my grandma. I’ll drive like your grandma.””You wouldn’t say that if you knew my gramma.

I’m the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I’ll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

I think it’s one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there’s so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears.Diary of a Penguin-napper (p. 15)

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....