In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those...

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

Nothing like that.

Regifting is its own rereward.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!

My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.

I’m crazy in love. I’m just crazy.

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.

The past is the past. I believe that people can change, under the right conditions (like plastic surgery).

I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said.

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.

‘Tim and Raine are coming in.’ ‘Are they insane?’ ‘Apparently.’

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.

We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even.

I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

But after dealing with Roy for a while I just wanted to get through the time I’d signed on for, to prove to myself that I couldn’t be beaten by a girly-faced, chicken-boned, racist cat.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

For if it is rash to walk into a lion’s den unarmed, rash to navigate the Atlantic in a rowing boat, rash to stand on one foot on top of St. Paul’s, it is still...

If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon.

I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

If you’re in the position to help someone and you do it, it’s very rewarding.

I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you? Answer this question: If Paul Krugman and Ben Bernanke were about to die,...

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or...

I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

A brick could be used to keep yourself warm, and a blanket could be used in the construction of a house. But just like wearing your boxers on the outside of your pants, if you...

Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.

To the stupidity of men, ” Dakota said, raising a glass. “And my brother, who is their king.

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

If I asked you to do something for me, I don’t suppose you’d listen?” When he had my attention, he continued, “I’m going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act...

If by chance some day you’re not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I’ve said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart,...

Ah bet she’s a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y’see that “butter wouldnae melt” expression she’s goat goin on? That’s jist a smokescreen – ah guarantee she goes like a train.’ Jimmy belched, considerately...

When I am judging a theory, I ask myself whether, if I were God, I would have arranged the world in such a way.

I’ve got everything ready to go,” I said once he was finally awake and dressed.All the tenderness and vulnerability was gone from his face when he said, “Go where?””America?”His eyes narrowed. “This is America.””This is...

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad’s knob. Or yours.” I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, ‘damn, we fucked up’.

Today vegetables. Tomorrow…the world!

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a...

‘These eggs are broken. Cracked.’ ‘Yes, ma’am. That happens sometimes.’ ‘Does it?’ ‘Yes, it’s the unfortunate part of being an egg.’

Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can’t feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge,...

There’s a little bit of magic in every box!