Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

I suspect I am a hooligan.

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

My parents would read those books to me as well but they used to make me starving when I was a kid because they were always eating ham sandwiches with the crusts off and drinking...

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

Braden’s.

Fuck,” Ranger said.Ranger didn’t often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door...

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

I’d like to point out that we’ve had zero problem reaching each other’s mouths.

That’s what I hear Janet. Of course, living it up can take years off your life and add them to your face.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

There is a lot to learn about love and positions.

You say that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world? Well I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body.

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I’m not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I...

I’m a whore!”Miki hit the brakes…her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. “You’re not wearing any underwear, are you?”Sara let out a strangled squeal…

According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That’s crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can’t...

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

You read a book for the story, for each of its words,” Gordy said, “and you draw your cartoons for the story, for each of the words and images. And, yeah, you need to take...

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free…”You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in...

Whatever it is,” I said, “the point is moot because as long as I’m on these pills, I can’t make contact to ask.”Derek … snapped, “Then you need to stop taking the pills.”Love to. If...

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams” This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he’s gone too far. Unfortunately, I can’t put a cover of my...

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.

Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. – Kye

I, uh—,” I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking himover, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket.

Otter! Otter! Otter!Don’t lead cows to slaughter!I love you, and I knowI should’ve told you soon-aBut you didn’t buy the dolphin-safe tuna!

Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play...

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

Here, by the grace of God and an inside straight, we have a personality untouched by the psychotic taboos of our tribe – and you want to turn him into a carbon copy of every...

Well, I’ve seen porn!” Evan defends and Dan just looks at him. “Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it,” Dan challenges. “I’ll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be…...

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared...

Never follow the crowd….Until and unless you’re crossing the road…

I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that’s such a small part of...

Enough!” ter Borcht said.

Here,” Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. “Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone.” He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the...

I’ve always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...