Hey, he’s not using a holster,” I said, glancing at Alex’s on the dresser. He laughed out loud. “Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It’d be so great if these things were...

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

So hologram means–” I finally said.”It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I’d like to do with you right now.

Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36...

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I’ll cut you in fer half the business here.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.

Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.

I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?””Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?”That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. “He also said that...

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence. One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?

Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.

That’s your solution? Have a cookie?

I want to write a book called, ‘Bonfires and Bras,’ which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.

In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

Hard-ons don’t make you think less. They make you think stupid.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya’s father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

I want to write a book called, “Ten Steps to Asexuality.” Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

I was just turned last week. I’m a librarian.”He stilled, as if I’d just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. “I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was...

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

Love is, or you isn’t.

What’s said in silence is best viewed in darkness. I learned that while reading a bowl of Alphabet Soup.

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.