The hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that’s impossible to get off one’s shoes.

My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.

I’ve always wondered about people who live in their cars. I’ll bet for them ordering a pizza is kind of tricky. Should they have it delivered, or should they pick it up?

I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women.

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg’s length, right below the knee.

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I’ve never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

I love the sunrise, but not as much as I love you. Will you pass me my midnight-black blindfold?

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Jarod, when are you going to stop mooching off your mother and me?

Jev stroked his chin. “Do I look like a summer fling?

This is the final book about Brian

I’ve written about 15 screenplays and they all sold – they were all sold on pitches.

You realize people like you and Trav are going to fight, right?” America said, filing her nails as she chewed the huge wad of gum in her mouth.I turned over on the bed. “You are...

I will play Truth or Dare, you sucker, until you can’t tell your truth from your dare. -CAROLINE

Kate’s Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.

When you cross over into the weird stuff, there’s no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of ‘Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.’ He explained it to me once. Didn’t really pay...

That you exist, is offense enough to arrest you.

Not obedience or feelings or respect, there is only one thing which people take seriously at all time and its “money”.

When it started to climb between my legs, my balls and its claws only separated by a thin blanket, I sincerely considered throwing it (the cat, not my member) out of the window.

Sorry I’m late,” Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.

I sort of lost my temper.

And now,” Eric yelled into his mircophone, “we’re going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one’s for my girlfriend. We’ve been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true....

Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.

That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah,...

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia…Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.Step Two: put Val on decaf.Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.

I’d like to lose enough weight so that my bones creaked louder than the floor

Empty pockets full of empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I have for her. My heart burns with desire. My mouth also burns.

Ataturk sent several Turkish staff officers to Afghanistan, helped them build their own army.

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

We made love sweet and gentle, like strawberry jelly. Peanut butter makes me horny.

Who would have ever thought going to a library would be so scary?

What are you waiting for?” shanna asked. “He’s dying! Do it!” Conner looked at Angus. “Ye do it. It was yer idea.””Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it.””I’m no’ touching him.”...

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand...

You might not believe this, but there is no one like her at this school.””Oh I believe it,” I said, thinking back to the time Angeline had forgotten her locker’s combination and tried to get...

I love favors, because a favor is, instead of me doing something or paying you anything, why don’t you do it for me for free?

The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone...