I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.

He was right. The annoying Disney song was right. The universe was too fucking small.

Whoa, Rebecca,” Talia said smiling even wider, “Walking on the wild side, are we?”Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. “He – uh – I’m tutoring him.””She is,” Han said solemnly. “She’s very...

It’s awful bad luck to bring a woman aboard the ship.””It’s awful worse luck not to.

I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.

Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my...

In an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. – Why We Couldn’t Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9

Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

Agatha’s love had wings like a penguin. Certainly this was a plus in the cold winter months. But our relationship never really took flight. It was grounded like a 747 minus 748.

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, “Yes,...

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.

I have alchemised my love for Agatha, and turned it into gold, which is the embodiment of Orafoura. I am the Elixir of Love–hot, cold, dry, and moist, I am the quintessential element: Jell-O. Agatha...

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

Zeb was kindergarten teacher–a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it’s more politically correct

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion is fruit.

An arrogant laughs at repentance.

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

Don’t be afraid to be afraid. Have fear, and then conquer the shit out of it.

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you,” Garrett joked.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

You…you got rid of that dress fast,” I pointed out between heavy breaths. “I thought you liked it.” “I do like it,” he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. “I love it.” And...

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn’t know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

I forgot for a second that he was my ancestral enemy, and felt bad for him; then i consoled myself that bird poop brings good luck

I’m so paranoid that everyone starts to look like everyone. I convince myself I’m a con named Vince. My lips are thin and tight, but my tongue is broad and loose. I’m taking my secrets...

I’m bein’ tortured.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

I read the title from the cover. ‘ ‘The joy of… crap.’ ‘ I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on...

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the...

Back from where? you’re not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody’s wife

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

All right, I’ll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.