What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

Nice guys finish last but that’s what makes them good in bed.

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

You will have relatively less problems to solve, if you don’t confuse problems with inconveniences.

I’d love to be what I have been.

Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. “THe only man who gets to call me’love’ would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. Fun night....

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.

People in hell want snowcones.

I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?- I work occasionally. It’s just that the BJs are much more exciting.

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn’t seem to...

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

In third grade I thought I loved her – by sixth grade, I was sure of it

She made an impatient noise. “By the Angel, you don’t know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?””Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love...

You need anything we’re only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We’ll help you hide the body.

There’s no room for love in my life. My car trunk is already full of groceries, a spare tire, and two kidnap victims.

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

I had done Shrek as a Canadian and I’m very proud to be Canadian, but I knew I could give more to it.

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

She oozes the kind of over-confidence that only comes to people who wear deep red lipstick and sparkly tissue sarees in bright daylight.

Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

If you do a scene and you really like a character in it or a premise in it to write it down and to work on it so that you can have five or six...

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids.

Feed me, you moron.

If the Lord hasn’t got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that’s his business.

It’s hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I...

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

How did I end up in this situation? I’m the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

Rhiannon’s Law #22. You can’t lie to yourself, so don’t bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years – that you...

Oh, so there were angels and demons, but no vampires? No mysterious, super-hot bloodsuckers who would love you forever? Now that was totally unfair.

Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

Words were his delight; Hers, a gay gracefulnessOf dancing and moving. But when to the place Of deep loving (Starlight at midnight)At last they came, Their full communion And consummation,Their complete sphere,Was stillness for her,Silence...

I don’t have tears running down my cheeks. Those are egg yokes, and yes, it means I’m in love.

You’ve messed with the wrong god if you get keys to willy wonka chocolate factory and diabetes the same day..

Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still...

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

What is it about hairdressers? You tell them ‘not too short’ and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as ‘whack the shit out of it.’ If you never say, ‘not too short,’ everything...

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

It wasn’t until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I’m just behind the jokes.

I’m a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform...

Abby Von Normal – And I’m like, “Don’t change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you’re ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh!...

Fang let out a low whistle. “Anyone know that Amazons could ride a giant bird?”Ethon gave him a duh stare. “Those of us who fought them, yeah, we know. How you think they keep kicking...