Whatever it is,” I said, “the point is moot because as long as I’m on these pills, I can’t make contact to ask.”Derek … snapped, “Then you need to stop taking the pills.”Love to. If...

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams” This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he’s gone too far. Unfortunately, I can’t put a cover of my...

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. – Kye

I, uh—,” I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking himover, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket.

Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play...

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

Well, I’ve seen porn!” Evan defends and Dan just looks at him. “Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it,” Dan challenges. “I’ll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be…...

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared...

I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that’s such a small part of...

Enough!” ter Borcht said.

I’ve always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

She got icing all over her face. I think that’s why I like her. For the good stuff, she’s willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn’t want a girl like that?

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

He balled his hand into a fist. “You are such a bitch.” “Woof, woof,” I said.

Seriously, it makes sense. He’s always tired and pale, and keeps himself away from people so he won’t bite them….Maybe that’s what he’s doing when he disappears. Getting his fix of blood.

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. “Like, what, the DOM-matrix?” ~Tara Reese

This [discovery of a cell-free yeast extract] will make him famous, even though he has no talent for chemistry.{Comment on German scientist Eduard Buchner who later ironically won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for this...

Jenna, standing in the doorway with her mouth and hand full of shelled pistachios, says, ‘”Real’ is a dirty word in this place’.

Yes, I’m a nice man and I enjoy babies. I’m a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

Jonquil went by with a full plate of food, and Petunia reached out and tried to snag a small cream puff from it. Jonquil lifted it over Petunia’s head before she could, and clucked her...

Yes! Yes! There’s the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi?

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

But have you ever seen one?….They shook their heads. “Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage – “Man, she liked that Bible. I’d read it and could definitely understand it’s appeal, but...

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I’d always thought of myself as a pessimist.

The funniest people are the saddest ones

I’m gonna have to develop myself. I’m just going to do the best that I can do.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

I remember that story. You have read it four times.” Samson shrugged. “Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, ‘That was a fine piece of music. I’ll never listen to that again.”...

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.

And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

Remember: There’s a reason the fairy godmother gave Cinderella two glass slippers.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

I am not schizoid. A little manic-depressive, maybe.””‘Know thyself.'” “We try, sir.

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

You’re dropping the bow hand as you release,” he called, although Halt certainly wasn’t.His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, “I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?

Cages, spanking benches, sawhorses, bondage tables. Scene after scene. Throaty moans, high screams, whining, whimpering, and groaning. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. All his cop instincts shouted for him to get his cuffs out and start...

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. “You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!” He flew...

What are you doing?””I’m, uh, acting normal.””No you’re not. You’re acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don’t act like you’re not pretending, that’ll make it worse.

I knew it! Not another list!

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.