A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? ‘Cause if Ric didn’t eat garlic then my breath’s gonna stink and he’ll think… Oh for fuck sake,...

One blanket, coupled with a fluffy pillow, could be implemented as a torture device for insomniacs.

Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.

The room fell silent. I frankly didn’t know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help,...

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

Fat is sexy.” Enrolling all our sex addicts in culinary school may be the best way of dealing with obesity. Every meal of the day would be candlelit, every course would be dessert, and our...

I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.

Am Anfang war Gott? It may have been true, but it was not germane.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.

I can attest to that.

Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney,” he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. “You won’t believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d’oeuvres within the span...

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I fish better than any fish alive.

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

We still have a lot to talk about,” I said. “Talk?” He shook his head, his eyes full of desire. Kiss, he whispered to my thoughts.

I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.

Listen, I’d rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It’s getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is...

He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he’d do if she threw some...

Coach,” Annabeth said, “it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep.””Besides,” Percy said, “you’re starting to sound like Terminus.”Hedge narrowed his eyes. “Is that an insult, Jackson? ‘Cause I’ll-I’ll Terminus you, buddy!

Abel was brushing the snow off his parka while Micha was dancing around him, still balancing the plate of cookies, singing, ‘We’re staying, we’re staying, we’re staying overnight! We’re drying! We’re drying! We’re drying on...

I had a dream about you. You had just died, and I was debating putting your body into either a coffin or a shoebox. My decision was based solely on spatial concerns, so I chose...

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first

You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash...

All right,” Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. “Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?” Okay, so I’m a little distracted. “He’s doing the back stroke.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.

I think. Therefore, I am. I think.”- AnonymousI found this written in tiny letters in the grout between the wall tiles above a urinal in a restroom at the University of Washington, circa 1980. I...

Well, then, Otter, of course I don’t like Bundt cake. It has eggs in it. Baby chicken eggs. You don’t see chickens standing outside of maternity wards waiting to get our babies to make their...

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

Yoga pants often answer questions I didn’t ask.

If you’re texting Magnus to say ‘I think u r kewl’ I’m going to kill you

There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That’s like fate, but much more dramatic.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said. “You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the...

I’ll pray for good semen. And I’ll get all of my friends to pray for good semen.

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.