The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Oh, hell, he’d look hot in a chicken suit.

You get a promotion?””I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. […]””You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me.””We’re a bit more subtle.

It’s been nice knowing you, Clara, Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin. Because I’m pretty sure my parents are going to kill...

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.

The girl says “Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a whore!” Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a...

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I’d seen. Then I’d lived...

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular...

Less is more, but only marginally.

Gay sex, one. Straight sex, zero

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.

The Amish purposely wear drab clothing to discourage lust. If they want to prevent lust, why don’t Amish people just walk around naked?

Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.

SpookSpeak. Douche diligence n. (CIA) Investigation and assessment performed prior to recommending a potential intelligence asset for recruitment.

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

Le 99%, c’est moi.

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You’re a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

The fun is being able to have a show that you can do but then always being able to look out for that opportunity to do something different.

If the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn’t be considered corrupted?

I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird I saw yesterday. I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me.

Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.

He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.”Don’t,” said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.”What if...

Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

And my piece of advice is…don’t flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

Spartacus,” I called, “how’s it hanging?” Probably not too well. Once you’re dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled...

My favorite time of the day is 3:33 pm, though I rarely see it because it’s a little too early to be getting up for the day.

You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.””I object to every single thing you just said.”Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing...

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, ‘Mrs. Solar, I’m sweating.’ She was stunned.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...