There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where’s the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

That’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking, what’s your vice and what brand of trouble does it lead to?

A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me...

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get...

It’s not the hair on your head that matters. It’s the kind of hair you have inside.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they...

But you’re my pain in the ass.

Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, ’cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had...

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.

The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞

Don’t let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.

I get all kinds of ages, it really does range from silly drunk old men to silly drunk young lads. And the same goes for the females.

Just the fact that I’m in the game is great. I’m just blessed to be working. I got a plan, but I’m humble and I try to be humble.

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear...

I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn’t mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside

Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)

It was safe to assume he’d not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy

You make me sound like an arrogant ass,” he said.”Are you?””No! I’m just me.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

Buzz, buzz, Ellie Bee.

I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and...

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

I certainly hadn’t expected to walk away from today’s trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was...

And I’m sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were...

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.

Normal? I’m not normal enough for you?” Carlos says. “You want this guy instead? Did you notice his hair doesn’t move? That’s not normal. You want to date him again, go ahead. Hell, if you...

S’mimasen,” Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. “What does that mean?” Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss’s grasp of the...

I was at yellow the minute I walked in the door.

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning – after a short detour – when a small naked body barreled into him in one of...

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

For the most part, each day listed a different rendition of “Justin ate well” and “Justin took a great nap”. Every now and then they noted Justin doing unusual things, like biting. I was embarrassed...

[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. “There we go. How are they?”She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. “Good, I think. Thank you.””Wear them the next time we f***. That...

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

A bush-warbler,Coming to the verandah-edge,Left its droppingsOn the rice-cakes.

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.