He’s sitting casually at my kitchen table peeling the skin off an applewith a pocket knife, a red apple that he has quite obviously appropriated from my fruit bowl, might I add.

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

If you have an impulse, not if you’re going to ruin someone elses’ scene, if you have an impulse of a funny little add-on or taking something in a weird direction, try it.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him participate in synchronized diving.

Dean: Don’t you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn’t this disturb you my dear? After all, it’s not normal. Molly: I know it’s not normal for people in this world to be happy, and...

They thought more before nine a.m. than most people thought all month. I remember once declining cherry pie at dinner, and Rand cocked his head and said, ‘Ahh! Iconoclast. Disdains the easy, symbolic patriotism.’ And...

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

We don’t have dealings. He just stalks me. I’m popular like that.

red tape,” and start using Caution tape.

Have a great tomorrow

Most kids start talking by age two. I didn’t say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn’t “Mom” or “Dad.” It was “No.

When media distorts the truth, it’s only responding in kind.

I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.

Secret 02.02. By skillfully employing peripheral vision, it’s actually possible to gaze into an abyss without the abyss gazing into you.

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

Love is in the air. Remember to maintain your lead and follow through on your shot.

Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.

It just doesn’t seem right to spend your entire life drinking, when you could be exploring the world.””Or,” Zhy said as he hefted a mug to his lips, “it doesn’t seem right to be risking...

I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.

Secret 7591037. Anything they can do to you, they can do for you; and anything they can do for you, they can do to you.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

Secret 955-39. That it is what it is does not imply that it isn’t what it isn’t.

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.

If I don’t love something, is it still OK to set it free?

Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

A stone trips you. A daisy reaches up and pulls you down.

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it’s more politically correct

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

An arrogant laughs at repentance.

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different.

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you,” Garrett joked.

I am the mouth that represents the People’s Republic of Chin

You…you got rid of that dress fast,” I pointed out between heavy breaths. “I thought you liked it.” “I do like it,” he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. “I love it.” And...

I’m afraid of fear, men named Raef, and palindromes.

The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn’t know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.

Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your...

I forgot for a second that he was my ancestral enemy, and felt bad for him; then i consoled myself that bird poop brings good luck

A brick is what the aliens gave me to communicate with them. It’s easy to operate. Just go to a party, or any crowded location, place the brick on your head, and stand perfectly still...

I’m bein’ tortured.

Colors and scents evoke strong emotions. Lavender, both the light purple and the smell, make me feel tranquil. But another color, canary urine, reminds me of public bathrooms, and all the fond memories of waiting...

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.