I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

We conquer the Independence Day aliens by having a Macintosh laptop computer upload a software virus to the mothership (which happens to be one-fifth the mass of the Moon), thus disarming its protective force field....

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

Bir ilk buluşmada kadın rahatça yemek yiyorsa, o erkeği çoktan elemiştir kafasında.

I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my eyes off his body, just the sight of his abs or arms was enough to make me want to get naked and let Carlo take over anything...

I guess I can’t blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.

—En verdad me gusta, quien sabe cómo el estar con él cambie mi vida, probablemente va a ser increíble.—,Y si cambia las cosas para mal?, ,Y si quiere robarte tu dinero, o secuestrarte, o cortarte...

I bet she likes it hard, from behind, probably likes to get spanked too. I mean, just look at her, she has a serious come-fuck-me-face.

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I´d imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and...

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

What kind of person doesn’t let you have gummi bears?

I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their...

Hey, he’s not using a holster,” I said, glancing at Alex’s on the dresser. He laughed out loud. “Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It’d be so great if these things were...

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

Oh, this is the most TRAGICAL thing that ever happened to me!

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

So hologram means–” I finally said.”It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I’d like to do with you right now.

Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36...

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I’ll cut you in fer half the business here.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.

Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.

I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?””Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?”That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. “He also said that...

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence. One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?

Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.

That’s your solution? Have a cookie?

I want to write a book called, ‘Bonfires and Bras,’ which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.

In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

Hard-ons don’t make you think less. They make you think stupid.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya’s father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.

Just because your opinion counts doesn’t mean it should multiply.

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Aside from murder alibis and kinky sex, what good are clones?

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

I want to write a book called, “Ten Steps to Asexuality.” Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

I was just turned last week. I’m a librarian.”He stilled, as if I’d just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. “I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was...

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

If knowledge is but sorrow’s spy, it proves a double agent by and by.

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.

They say if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. I say I’d rather be part of the road than the seat on the steamroller.

No…they’re…not hot.