Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Don’t fucking quote me!

I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.

That’s the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

I have absolutely no idea, Melinda,” he said, grinning.

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

Generally with the Oscars or the Emmys there isn’t much you can do until the nominations are announced. Then you know what kind of year you’re dealing with – what’s been overlooked, what the issues...

Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as ‘his grace’ or even simply ‘the king’ instead of...

Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.

It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

I think the enemy is self-censorship. In a free society the biggest danger is that you’re afraid to the point where you censor yourself.

I don’t use big words to show off because it’s ostentatious.

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

Their faces were clay-coloured and featureless, yet not stupid; they might have been shrewd turnips.

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

I agree that sometimes it is difficult to choose between right and wrong, but not between right and stupid.

My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with … G.””Sausages.

God’s children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

I was doing my little stand up shtick, the one I did for pretty girls, so they’d like me quickly and wouldn’t try too hard to actually get to know me beyond my role as...

If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your...

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

Isabelle snorted, “All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.””You noticed,” said Simon. “I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,” added Magnus. “Please never say those words in front...

He thinks things through too much.

Dixon was not unconscious of this awed reverence which was given to her; nor did she dislike it; it flattered her as much as Louis the Fourteenth was flattered by his courtiers shading their eyes...

Wait a second,” Clary said.”I never understand why people say that,” Luke said, to no one in particular. “I wasn’t going anywhere.

Whatcha do to Ricky Ricardo? Found him talking real fast in Spanish.” “Nothing.” She looked at Tony. “He’s just moody, and the moodier he gets, the less you can understand him.

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards…Honestly, Kell, I’d nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.”Foolhardy?” Kelsier asked with a laugh. “that wasn’t foolhardy – that was just a small diversion....

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.” Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

Holding hands with your lover is special, especially when that hand is plastic, and that lover is a mannequin.

Sometimes in my class I have people come in and do monologues inspired by people they know and I always find that to be useful to do specifics about somebody and then you’re actually doing...

As you get older, you realize it’s work. It’s that fine line between love and companionship. But passionate love? I’d love to know how to make that last.

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

The two seemed on casual terms, leading me to wonder how long this limousine had been in her life, and whether she had ever seen the inside, and if so, whether she climbed in the...

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in...

My girlfriend and I are close. She’s like a brother to me. My brother is also dating her. We make love like mannequins and mashed potatoes, despite the fact that I’m single and an only...

I think I liked the idea better when it was in my head.

“So what’s your team called?” asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, “We’re called the Winmates because we’re inmates who win.” Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression...

You’re nasty and you’re loud,you’re mean enough for two,If I could be a cloud,I’d rain all day on you.

I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.

Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator…..”I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpful”Marie pursed her lips and humor danced...

Go out with me tomorow night,” Perry went on. “Let me prove to you that I’m the guy you want.””I…I guess I coul go out tomorrow night,” Miranda sounded shocked and a little swept off...

Mallory dropped her head to the steering wheel. “Look, I’m mad at you, okay? This isn’t about me. I know my painful memories are relative. My life is good. I’m lucky. This isn’t about how...

I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.Lucy