I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

Oh my, you big stud, your dancing boobs have enchanted me with your hypnotic sexual magnitudeness.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

Sexton: I think the whole world’s gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It’s always like this. You probably just don’t get out enough.

Aurora sagged. “Why is it,” she asked, “that every time I’m with you two we end up stealing something big?””We always return it,” Donegan said, a little defensively. “Maybe not always in one piece or...

Without setbacks there’d be no comebacks, and everyone loves a come.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

Your mail could’ve waited.” Daemon followed me into the kitchen. “What is it? Just books?”Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn’t heart books didn’t understand.

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor.”Owww!” he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn’t mean it.”If you think I can understand that,”...

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.

I’m taller than my father, and taller than two of the stones at Ban Drochaid.””I meant in feet,” she clarified. Speaking of the mundane gave her a measure of calm.He eyed his boots a moment...

I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, “Wait until we’re finished eating.

I am not fake, I am just to good to be true 🙂

On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.

He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.

Look at your eyes. You’ve got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.

I’m sorry.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”- Cruz

If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can’t be quantified (I’m referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.

If you’ve recruited one intelligence asset, they’ve recruited you all.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

How a dirty little secret gets found out is usually a dirtier little secret.

On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars.

Secret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!