For most vampires, it’s an automatic response – scent blood, fangs drop.

Y are you called the cheese man?

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

Vous eprouves trop d’emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will...

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. “You’re in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren’t in love. You know, the...

Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he’d ever been shot at with.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, “You can do this. You’ve got what it takes.” The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

The people who know you well are the people who know your vulnerabilities.

Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment.

There is much to discover that’s not on the back cover!

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” – Simon Hunt

In the Haymarket! That Pop went to all the time! That is just dumb talk.

I’ll have you know there is nothing simple about my groin…” He shot her his predatory grin, the one he often reserved for her breasts. Run little girl, run far and run fast… take those...

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.

He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy check – big show, I wasn’t!- I found myself wonder what color his eyes were. Brown maybe....

I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we...

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be...

A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.

Instead of hearing the message he was trying to impress upon me and the impressionable queer ears hanging on his every word, all I could think was, I can’t believe he just told them all...

A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

Seriously, don’t even get me started on my hot bod. You don’t want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace’s breath away,” he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank.

I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I got stung by a jellyfish. Tim cried because his mother, and mine, wouldn’t...

I’m not sure whether to be relieved she didn’t hurt you or diappointed. Now he’s going to think he got away with that junk.” -AbbyI wouldn’t say that. He got a stern talking-to, but he...

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

He’ll never leave.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

Your on your on with this one babe.””Coward.””Calling me names isn’t going to get me in there.”-Ranger and Stephanie

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

She should have remembered her past experiences in the relationship wars and not let herself get so excited. Evidently her hormones had overruled her common sense and she had become drunk on ovarian wine, the...

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

I know I’m delicious. Nummy…..nummy.-Vlad

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

What is it, you ask?” Kali said, trying to cover her surprise with nonchalant words. “I haven’t thought of a name yet. Got any ideas?””Shit,” the pirate said, said of. The gag made elocution difficult.”That...

A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what I was doing on the night of June 6th, tell them I was...

Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? ”Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

Hayden?””Yes,Gia?””Nothing I just wanted to say your name

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this...

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Skull and Bones” A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

If you’re ever feeling a lack of middle-aged white men, just pop into the Capitol. Not so much the House of Representatives, which has a bit more color and texture, but the Senate — jeez....