I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can.

No one is waiting for me. In this story, I’m the girl no one is waiting for. Usually the girl is fat, but my problem is more rare, which is freckles: I look like someone...

If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.

Karşınızdakine katlanabilmek için onunla ilgili bazı şeyleri görmezden gelerek yaşamaktanbaşka çareniz yoktur. Tıpkı öpüşen iki kişinin buna devam edebilmek için o sırada on milyon ila bir milyar arası bakteriyi değiştiklerini bilmemeleri, ya da biliyorlarsa bunu...

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

You’ll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

Isn’t that someone we know?” asked Horace. He pointed to where a cloaked figure sat by the side of the road a few hundred meters away, arms wrapped around his knees. Close by him, a...

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

Daemon!” Dee called from the kitchen. “I need your help!””We should go see what she’s doing before she destroys your kitchen.” He rubbed his hands down his face. “It’s possible.

What’s a Dullahan?”He’s a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.”Headless?”Yes.”Seriously?”Yes.”So he has no head?”That’s usually what headless means.”No head at all?”You’re really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren’t you?”It’s just kind...

I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all the time and not only do I get rejected, but people have no...

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.

Through the gaps in the books, Ryan could see someone in the next aisle over, moving slowly. Someone in black. Someone whistling. Ryan recognized the tune. It was the theme music to Harry Potter.

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the...

Mama!’ Rosie tugged on my shirt. ‘This broccoli is tasty and wonderful’.

But I majored in Drama, modified with Psychology.

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

All superheroes have origin stories, like how Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor...

We’ve discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

A Skalan trader tried to tell me the streets of his cities were paved with gold,” Alec went on. “I didn’t believe him, though. He was the one who tried to buy me from father....

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things, I have everything I need. Well, aside from love.

When mice run, cats give chase.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

Welcome to Arizona, you bastard.

Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.

You’re back,” Sam said, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.She lifted her chin, stuffing her hands in her pockets. “Obviously.”He tilted his head slightly to the side. “How was the desert?”There wasn’t a scratch...

I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive.

Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that’s my bad luck,” he corrected her.

It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his...

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

X outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren’t all that interested in set theory anyhow}.

At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari....

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

The US Intelligence Community: ark and flood in one package.

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

You can’t plan a trip to Burning Man and truly go there.

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

As a conservative, while I oppose the invasion of privacy, I fully support the privatization of that invasion.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

I cook better than you,” Nick corrected absently. “I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.””I’d like to have a monkey that cooked for me,” said Jamie. ” I would pay...

She’s your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you’re angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth…Look, there they are.

I have a memory like an elephant penis, and it shows. Especially when I wear tight pants. My mind bulges with thoughts of Agatha and I.

He wanted a faery. More than anything else in the world. He had already imagined exactly how it should happen. He would set up the invitation, and the next day there would be a petal-winged...