What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

I think we need to discuss this upstairs.

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

I may not always be right, but when I am, I admit it

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

Turner let his face fell into his hands. “I’m never going to touch her again”, he moaned. “He’s never going to touch me again!” they heard Miranda roar.”Well,it doesn’t look like you’ll have much argument...

An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.

I’d like to thank readers. Every time you open a book, it is a strike against ignorance. Unless you’re reading Sarah Palin.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

..As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

So who else did you convince?””Well, I got Joe to potty train himself, and then I convinced Anna to leave the kids at home and go with me on a vacation to Jamaica.”Roy laughed heartily....

You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate

If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

Foul!” yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. “Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.

He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

Nice guys finish last but that’s what makes them good in bed.

Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

I’d love to be what I have been.

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by...

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

People in hell want snowcones.

I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle’s house, had our meals sent up, and didn’t emerge for several...

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven’t got one.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

Anything worth doing’ is a problematic premise.

I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower.

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

It’s a moot point whether your ass needs kicking, if kicking needs your ass.

If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ”What did you do?” I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ”The girl who gave you the note?””Yes…””I...

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.

How much detention did you get?”Two weeks. One per arsehole.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

He smiled wickedly, and my body warmed. “Girls dig bad boys.””Unfortunately, that’s true.””Is there a message, Bridge?””In your dreams,” I replied with a roll of my eyes, but it was all an act because there...

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.

Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He...