A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

I fell in love with her that day. I realized it when someone told me it was Tuesday.

I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.

He graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.

He was dashing. He wasn’t handsome—he was running.

I tie my smile like a shoelace.

A tree has leaves like man has hair. Some men go winter in the summer, and other men, like me, like skiing on skin.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.

The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.

The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her.

I want to be like air. Invisible, yet everybody needs me in their life.

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

Life insurance is a dying industry.

And benefits? Just getting to breathe the same air as the distinguished guests that’ll scoff and sneer at me is more reward than I could imagine this side of heaven.

Going down my list of notable women in my life, we come to Y. Y for Yolanda, and as you might have prophetically foretold, we met at the Y (YMCA). She looked like a beaver,...

People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.

For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.

I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers.

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

This is my logo for Ora

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

I make love with my eyes closed, because I make love in my dreams. If you wanted to go for seconds, we could, because I make love buffet style.

My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

Some people think nature is their God. I’d like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!