I had a dream about you. The leaves changed from yellow to red, but the stoplights did not. This made me continually cautious, and you kept honking at me. I thought you were the rudest...

Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are...

I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.

The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.

If your TV is broken, don’t get a new one—get a new hobby: reading.

The easiest way to hide your gold is to disguise it as Spanish bullion and store it on the bottom of the ocean floor.

If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.

I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you want. So long as you are able to pick the lock on your...

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

I want to drum up interest for instruments that are played by beating them with sticks.

She ordered beer all night, and I ordered root beer. She was drunk, and so was I—with love.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans...

My voice is raspy, like Rasputin’s beard. My love is like a mustache hidden in a patch of armpit hair. Come, feel what I feel for you.

My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the point I ran out of gas to wherever she is, assuming she’s hanging...

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

Football is like a chess match—a chess match where you can beat the shit out of your opponent.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

We made love like a slice of French toast trying to act like an English muffin.

We made love like two sticks of butter melting in the snow. I mean freezing.

A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty...

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

Why is it called a flight of stairs? It should be called a walk of stairs.

Turn a pot into a hat in one easy step: put it on your head. I make love with the same sort of culinary innovation.

I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep the flies away).

Jacksonville welcomed the World Golf Hall of Fame with open arms and wallets in 1998. If you’re not familiar with golf, it’s a sport where you swing a stick at a ball, like baseball in...

I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales.

When asked about sex, she said she had a headache. I said I have a pill for that. It’s called a Viagra, & I’d be willing to take it for her.

If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering people’s names—even if that person is me.

Raw vegetables leave me overjoyed with raw emotion. My love for her can best be summed up with one carrot and a cheese grater.

I lived without without, until I found a box full of it that was empty. That’s also where I found love. You should always check carefully—especially when the box you’re checking is a gender preference...

I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.

I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m such a gentleman that I hold every door open—even if the guy sitting in the bathroom stall is protesting.

I make love like I make money. Well, I would, if somebody would actually pay me to have sex with them. So here I am, broke and sexless.

The birds fly south for the winter not because it’s cold, but because they have wings. Similarly, love has the ultimate flight pattern, and that pattern is plaid.

I knew something was there, precisely because I hadn’t found anything and the space seemed empty. That’s also how I’m searching for love.

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

My book has no plot. Wait, yes it does—in the cemetery. It’s a love story where one character is dead, and the other is a dirty pervert.

The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label me a romantic.

The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to spend those hours is what separates us.

I play my harmonica when I’m in love, because the harmonica is the instrument of loneliness.