I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

I eat east and west, and I eat them at the same time. But I drink my coffee north to south.

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

I had a dream about you. You were canned laughter, and I was a can of tomato paste. I was organic, but you were completely artificial. You thought people liked having you around, but I...

My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

shit!

I visited Seven Sisters Inn, and all I got was a gun pulled on me. But that’s OK, because I brought a spare pair of underwear. Oddly, I didn’t find the man who stuck a...

Gas masks could be converted into blowjob machines—and finally put your mom out of business. That’s capitalism. That’s war. That’s love.

Ruby has eyes that sparkle like emeralds. Or sapphires. Not too sure what color her eyes are, because I try to avoid eye contact with murder suspects—especially if they are sexy.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.

I’m wise when it comes to your issues, and a fool when it comes to mine. Emotion is the blindfold we cannot see or feel we’re wearing.

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

I made her a bathing suit—out of saran wrap. We made love like leftovers.

As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.

Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it’s probably covered with cat hair—love, I mean.

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?

She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can’t figure out why journalists would write something...

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

I make love like I make dinner. I order take out.

Soup has water value, but water doesn’t have soup value. That’s like my love—really watery, but rather tasty.

A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you.

When money for food is scarce, I’ve got to start tightening my belt. And if I keep getting skinnier from not eating, I’ll have to tighten my belt even further.

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting...

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

I yell at yellow like I purr at pink. If they were more fluid, I’d pour meows in my morning coffee.

By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.

I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want to bypass language—both verbal and nonverbal—and leap to pure concept where all men...

It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

Why are desire scales 1-10? They should be 1-12, like a clock, because I want her 1-12, I mean like all the time.

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it...

Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.

On is to no, as Dora J. Arod is to Dora J. Arod. And brick is to blanket, as Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora.

I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?

When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.

A brick is a barometer of love. Give it to the girl of your dreams, and see if she uses it to build a life with you, or as a high velocity projectile.

Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?

War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.

I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late.

Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.