Is it? Because that picture of me was taken by my old school’s yearbook club, and they put it in the section titled ‘STUDENT FAILSAUCES! XD.What’s an XD?A sideways laughing face of horrendous proportions. Don’t...

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren’t you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff!Calvin:All I’ve got to say is they’re not making me...

My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.

If the key to life is figuring yourself out; family must be the lock.

Ah, this is true. And this is false. What’s the best to you may be worst to someone else. Since every room here is completely different, each room is number one to someone, even if...

Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, …

Life sucks, and then you die…

Don’t suffocate in there.

Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

It’s the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It’s seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can’t watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your...

Fine! He is being passive aggressive with me, and it’s gonna backfire; I’m gonna be active friendly.

The middle son gets a magic donkey. When you shout the word: “Bricklebrit!”, it spews gold pieces out of…And I quote:… its front and back.Yes, folks. Thing I Love #4: the Bricklebrit Donkey. You shout...

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.

When your done releasing sexual tensions, we have a meeting to continue!”~Francis Bonnefoy, Hetalia, English Dub

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

When a child is born, I once explained to the kids, some dads lay down bottles of wine for them that will mature when they grow up into ungrateful adults. Instead, what you’re going to...

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.

You have a very attractive revenge streak in you. I like it. A lot.” ~Maggie Mae Castro to FBI Special Agent Clive Poole

On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.

Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.

Sometimes, to fix something, you need to completely ruin something else

I have the sex drive of a parked car.

I have a shocking memory – I remember everything.

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord?Or to the dreadful summit of the cliffThat beetles o’er his base into the sea,And there assume some other horrible formWhich might deprive your sovereignty of...

The Boogeyman,’ he said, just to be sure. ‘The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.’The president nodded.Some days, Zach thought, I really hate this job.

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader.”- Capt. Bligh(ret.)

I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce sold separately.)

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

Humor is heartbreak in reverse.

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. “It works better with your clothes off.”Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. “What?”She seemed mystified by the question. “I believe you will find...

There is no off position on the genius button.

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye...

To actually know one’s ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I’m definately an outsider. Hooray.

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

He makes it sound so Zen. Or Jedi. Like some kind of Wolf Yoda. There is no try. And maybe that’s all there is to it. Don’t over-think the shift. Just embrace the form that...

Dopóki nie skorzystałem z Internetu, nie wiedziałem, że na świecie jest tylu idiotów

Charlene says:I heard I’m being moved to Jumping for Joy farm. That sounds like a happy place to be. I’ll learn a lot about jumping. Maybe it’s different than jumping up and down like I...

I’m no expert, no natural-born talent, definitely no guru. As you’ll soon learn, only through a colossal experiment in trial and error did I reach the sexual summit. Although I own up to having worn...

Secret 71910151. A story with legs usually involves legs with a story.

Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.

Fine!’ she snapped, the desperation to have him growing exponentially now. ‘I missed you. Only you. No man could ever make me feel like you do. I’m ruined for all others. I renamed all my...