It’s not easy remembering the good times.

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

I’m Kieran. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room,

I still can’t believe,” Michael said, sotto voce, “that you came to the Vampires’ Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.

I always wear an oven mitt when I go in for a handshake, because I like to give visual hints about what kind of lover I’d make. I don’t use a cup to drink coffee—I...

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

Smartass Disciple: Master, do you really believe in the second chance?Master of Stupidity: That supports the basis of lost-then-found concept.

I’ve always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don’t have a brain.

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

From Chapter 11 “Rainy Day Puppy” (“The Missing Tulip Bulbs”): The next few days were hard on the family. It rained. It was cold. Winter had returned. The puppy grew and gained energy equal to...

I drove your lunch to work, and I parked it in my stomach.

I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.

My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!

…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone...

Colin: “1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex.” He looked truly puzzled.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

It rained toads the day the White Council came to town.

Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few...

I know you’re the only pistol champion we have, but I’d rather they no see enough of you to hit. You’re also the only wife I have…””You’re so sweet.'”…at the moment.

In countries where all the crooked politicians wear pin-striped suits, the best people are bare-assed.

Anxiously, he touched the lump on his head again, then felt his injured leg, groaning. “The whole affair is a mystery to me,” he said. “Who would want to steal anything from me?” “Perhaps a...

In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied “I love you back” and...

So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll...

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

Until-as often happened during those first months travel, whenever I would feel such happiness-my guilt alarm went off. I heard my ex-husband’s voice speaking disdainfully in my ear: So this is what you gave up...

Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.

Dragons breathe fire, but what if fire breathed dragons? I make love like that—instead of it being hot, it’s cold and scaly.

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why...

You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.

In this sad world I can never be sure. Of that I am certain.

If you’re not writing, you’re wronging.

I stepped in gum. It was just floating on the water.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin “Tubby” Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his...

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

I’m sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

Everything can be used as a weapon, including love. My love looks like a butter knife, but I assure you, it is quite deadly. I would demonstrate, but I’m right in the middle of making...

Actually, the Sniper’s sense of humor frightened Amy more than anything else. The parody of Carla’s poem had been witty, the rudeness of Marvy’s critique outlandish, and she was still, for some reason, focused on...

I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.

If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It’s far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I cross-examined him and he double-crossed me but that’s fine; I’ll prosecute him one day and he’ll be sentenced to life without parole…with me.