In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

Once upon a time she had liked to dance. When she had been about the same age as the little brunette out there who kept lifting her dress up over her head. Now that was...

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

I’m coming, you impatient old coot! Keep your panties on!”-Skye yelling back to Hagan.

When words come out of your mouth, do your ears just block all incoming sound waves?

They-” He stopped and just blinked at me for a minute. “You know, people are always saying that you’re cuckoo. Looney Tunes. Off the freaking edge. But I tell ’em, no, she’s okay. She’s got...

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means...

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains.

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman...

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you’re not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being...

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.

Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia’s pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path....

Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?

Rockwood didn’t have a movie theater or an IHOP or a strip mall. But it did have two churches, a ramshackle bar, and last (but certainly not least) Wacky Willie’s Deluxe Goofy Golf, a barren...

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.

He looked the boy up and down as if he had never seen a child before and wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do with one: eat it, ignore it or kick it...

Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father…’ You don’t talk to you friends like that. ‘Ed, Ed, come over,...

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

Tut, Tut, looks like rain

favorite” and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way.

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

Since I can’t turn into a bat and fly, I’ll still need my bus pass

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

I am a log, and last night I slept like a person.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Do you see those dull stars?” She outlined the formation with her finger.”A pentagram,” whispered Scott.”Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope.”Scott approached the eyepiece.”They’re not stars!” “What do they...

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

You’re only young once. That is all society can stand.

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

I was in love. Either that, or I was knocking on the wrong door. But it didn’t matter, because nobody answered.

PDR: Persons of Dubious Reality; refugees from the collective consciousness. Uninvited visitors who have fallen through the grating that divides the real, from the written. They arrive with their actions hardwired due to their repetitious...