Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. – Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

Yes, I will.

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t...

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter.

Unfortunately when I’m on my death bed I believe I’ll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I’ve checked my sock drawer.

An artist is identical with an anarchist,’ he cried. ‘You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment...

When did you become a woman?”-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times…”-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean…” fan club girlsNO! He’s my doctor…”Yuki

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

Bizim hepimizin içinde zübüklük olmasa, bizler de birer zübük olmasak, aramızdan böyle zübükler büyüyemezdi. Hepimizde birer parça olan zübüklük birleşip işte başımıza böyle zübükler çıkıyor. Oysa zübüklük bizde, bizim içimizde. Onları biz, kendi zübüklüğümüzden yaratıyoruz....

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

Proof there is a God,” I answered.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to...

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

For thirty minutes I sat back and felt the glimmer of pride that historically precedes the most catastrophic falls.

Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday. Now get on with it.

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.

chasing their own tails?” Well, maybe those people should seriously consider getting their tails surgically removed. It did wonders for my self-esteem.

You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.

You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

I had a dream that I had brown hair…I woke up and ran to the mirror…Phew! I’m still a blonde.

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek’s bank, her posture still demanding ‘no trespassing’ but no longer ‘trespassers will be shot.

You don’t need the Bible to tell you the flesh is weak. Just pinch it and find out for yourself.

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

Maddison de la Botella, licence to drill.

He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, “I need something that’s going to put food on the table.

as I [Eve] was the only cook in all Christendom at the time, the idea of not coming home to dinner never occurred to Adam… It is true that at times he criticised my cooking,...

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

I naively believe that self-love is 80 percent of the solution, that it helps beyond words to take yourself through the day as you would with your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and...

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

If you can try to nap where someone’s sitting,Although there is another empty chair,Then rub against his ankle without quittingUntil he rises from your favorite lair;If you can whine and whimper by a portalUntil the...

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn’t collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

He’s half blind because he’s in love.

There’s almost always a church youth group at the soup kitchen. I have yet to see an atheists’ youth group. Yeah, I know, religious people don’t have a monopoly on doing good. I’m sure that...

Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. “Do you always hold your guitar like that?”I dropped my pick. “Do you always shop at Hot Topic?

It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed,...