Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

‎No people whose word for ‘yesterday’ is the same as their word for ‘tomorrow’ can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

In this sad world I can never be sure. Of that I am certain.

Go ahead. You’re not going to walk in on anyone. I’m home alone.””The whole night?”Immediately, I realized it might not have been the smartest thing to say. “Dorothea will be coming soon.” That was a...

I stepped in gum. It was just floating on the water.

All is not lost – so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???

I want to do it too!” (sitting motionless)Nudge: “Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church.”Max: (muttering) “Appropriately enough.”Iggy: “What about me?” (stands still)Max: “No, you’re visible.”Iggy: “Am not!”Max: (throws a pinecone at...

You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t order

gratitudenoun ˈgra-tə-ˌtüd, -ˌtyüd 1. The word thrown in your face by people who covet what you want and believe that your lack of contentment is a sin. Often, these people believe success is what you...

Everything can be used as a weapon, including love. My love looks like a butter knife, but I assure you, it is quite deadly. I would demonstrate, but I’m right in the middle of making...

I’m fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.Of course, you’d have to have a heart...

I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but “Be...

But one look at Wildcard’s face, and he knew there was trouble. Problem? he signaled.Wildcard responded with an obscene gesture that more than conveyed his opinion that not only was this a problem, but it...

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

She looked like she believed in something, or wanted to, and I hoped to hell it wasn’t God, not in the way The Dad believes, because all that does is make him forced and desperate....

You can think about gloves. You can think about snuvs. You can think a long time about snuvs and their gloves.

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

I’m quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell.

That’s the whole trouble. You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may “think” there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up...

In my day the principal concerns of university students were sex, smoking dope, rioting and learning. Learning was something you did only when the first three weren’t available.

Rain Factory,” because he’s always either in a dark and stormy mood, or crying heavily.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Of course, you didn’t want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

Life isn’t all fricasseed frogs and eel pie.

The picture is grainy. But that’s to be expected when photographing bread.

Honesty is always good, except when it’s better to lie.

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this...

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

In great detail.

First dentistry was painless.Then bicycles were chainless,Carriages were horseless,And many laws enforceless.Next cookery was fireless,Telegraphy was wireless,Cigars were nicotineless,And coffee caffeineless.Soon oranges were seedless,The putting green was weedless,The college boy was hatless,The proper diet fatless.New...

Friendship can be developed by building halls one-person wide and having people go through two at a time.

Not again, Draper,” Frank sighed. “You’re not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the Government does even more poorly than provide healthcare is secure its borders.

I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth.

I can chase you, and I can catch you,but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.

…inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

I hate my life,” I said, and as I turned I conjured a ball of nightfire and threw it.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

woof” in cat.

Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary and psychologically save me?

Bashere shrugged, grinning brhind his grey-streaked moustaches, “When I first slept in a saddle, Muad Cheade was Marshal-General. The man was as mad as a hare in spring thaw. Twice every day he searched his...