The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don’t look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma’am.””Sit up. Arf,” I teased.”What about her?”...

Here’s your first problem,” he said, pointing at a sentence. “‘Religion is the opium of the people.’ Well, I don’t know about people, but I think you’ll find that the opium of pirates is actual...

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.

Our whole family thrives under pressure. It’s like our family motto or something.Apart from my brother Peter, of course. He had a nervous break down. But the rest of us.

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don’t come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they’re...

Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.

Oh, you’re a picky sort, huh?” He laughed. “That takes balls, being choosy at a time like this.

I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!

And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend?” He laughed bitterly. “Because I forsee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin.

Principal Principal: Where’s your late pass, mister?Errant Student: I’m on my way to get one now. PP: But you can’t be in the hall without a pass. ES: I know, I’m so upset. That’s why...

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off...

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

And what have I done?” What? WHAT?…You’ve stolen them.” With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who “them” was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.

aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and...

I’m not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare — or, if not, it’s some equally brainy lad — who says that it’s always just when a chappie is feeling particularly...

My pants pant like a dog, and they drool at the zippered mouth. When I go for a walk, they go for a walk. Now, if only they could play fetch.

Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

Macho does not prove mucho.

If you have to worry about a man, he’s not worth worrying about.

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I at least profited there. That makes me appreciate my depreciation more.

Some people have lives; some people have music.

Helios thought he looked pretty hot, and he had an annoying habit of calling the sun his “chick magnet.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

I’m not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I’m always asked to be the one to first give up the tit.

Want coffee?” I asked, as I headed that way.”It’s three thirty in the morning.””Okay. Want coffee?

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together.”What?”Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud.”That’s who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.”The people who’ve been in your...

New lesson class… most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword.this change is perfectly normal, and will happen to you RIGHT NOW if you don’t BACK OFF!…. CLASS DISMISSED!

He offered to make-out with Hunter if it would prove that he’s ok with me being gay.””Hmm,” said Adam. “Yeah I think I need to see proof.””Shut up.””Tell him it has to be shirtless. Wait,...

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going...

I knew that Sundays in England aren’t just ordinary dull Sundays, the same the world over, which demand that one simply tiptoe through without disturbing them or paying them the least attention, they are vaster...

She was hearing the words. They just weren’t registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

Housework can kill you if done right.

I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler’s lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when...

It’s called being antisocial.

People ask me what I am politically and I’ve previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

I’m immortal! Doesn’t that mean I won’t get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn’t mean that, I want a refund—

My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her...

I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to be a Frisbee, and that’s why I say he was a fool. What...

The marks we leave are too often scars.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.