Abignades or abegnadesA term used in te department of the Landes for the intestines of a goose cooked in its blood. Abegnades are found almost solely in the chalosse region, where they are eaten on...

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don’t look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma’am.””Sit up. Arf,” I teased.”What about her?”...

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.

Our whole family thrives under pressure. It’s like our family motto or something.Apart from my brother Peter, of course. He had a nervous break down. But the rest of us.

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So...

Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.

Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about...

I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.

A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out of your uterus with a straw before I’d ever be a delivery guy...

You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!

…socialism had somehow made time more flexible. There were often situations when 1 PM and 5 PM were interchangeable.

Principal Principal: Where’s your late pass, mister?Errant Student: I’m on my way to get one now. PP: But you can’t be in the hall without a pass. ES: I know, I’m so upset. That’s why...

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

If I’m homeless and pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions, don’t be surprised to see me stopped behind a few cars in the turning lane, because I’ve got to get off...

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

And what have I done?” What? WHAT?…You’ve stolen them.” With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who “them” was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.

An Unbreakable Vow?” said Ron, looking stunned. “Nah, he can’t have…. Are you sure?””Yes I’m sure,” said Harry. “Why, what does it mean?””Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…””I’d worked that much out for myself,...

I’m not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare — or, if not, it’s some equally brainy lad — who says that it’s always just when a chappie is feeling particularly...

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.

Get a watermelon, draw a face on it, and talk to it before making love to it.

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

Macho does not prove mucho.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking.

I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I at least profited there. That makes me appreciate my depreciation more.

Some people have lives; some people have music.

Helios thought he looked pretty hot, and he had an annoying habit of calling the sun his “chick magnet.

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

I’m not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I’m always asked to be the one to first give up the tit.

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together.”What?”Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud.”That’s who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.”The people who’ve been in your...

New lesson class… most monsters will vaporize when sliced with a celestial bronze sword.this change is perfectly normal, and will happen to you RIGHT NOW if you don’t BACK OFF!…. CLASS DISMISSED!

There was a time-a lonely, lonely time-when salads were a pale and limp affair, relegated to the side of your plate, practically weeping. I think those dark days were also known as the ’80s. -p.11

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going...

I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.

She was hearing the words. They just weren’t registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

Housework can kill you if done right.

I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit on Hitler’s lap for all the trauma it would cause me. Once, when...

I can’t give a Professor love!

People ask me what I am politically and I’ve previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

I’m immortal! Doesn’t that mean I won’t get saggy boobs and gray hair? Because if it doesn’t mean that, I want a refund—

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to be a Frisbee, and that’s why I say he was a fool. What...

The marks we leave are too often scars.

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.