All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks.

The shirt says; ‘I bite.’ You prick, not ‘I blo

Not knowing is more than half the battle. – National Clandestine Service motto

BE QUIET!!…What do you want…? I was in the middle of saying something nice…

I’m male. I have no idea what you females are thinking.

I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. “Thank you.” “I just went along for the ride. After that happened-” She waved at Derek. “You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently...

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

I am becoming morbidly obese as we speak. So what’s the solution? To stop talking.

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must...

Control is under the situation.

If a boy doesn’t respect his mother…run!

Now that I think of it—I don’t know why I would besurprised.

My foggy brain slid away and— And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it’s a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through...

You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.

His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

My biggest regret as a CIA officer? The agents I didn’t recruit. I just wish there’d been a hell of a lot more of them.

There is no such thing as a bad life. That’s what I call an experienced living.

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand...

He will.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking....

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she...

Call bitch a bitch , no fucking reasons

A lot of men tend to want “models.” I tell men unless they look like a model themselves, they can’t expect to land one.

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

I don’t believe we should carry backupplans in life’s suitcase—they’re too easy to unpack like living a life in yoga pants, so comfortable our hips spreadinto new timezones…

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

Rabbit’s clever,” said Pooh thoughtfully.”Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit’s clever.””And he has Brain.””Yes,” said Piglet, “Rabbit has Brain.”There was a long silence.”I suppose,” said Pooh, “that that’s why he never understands anything.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make gods.

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

Now this might disturb you, but I find I’m OK by myself;and I don’t need you or your benevolence to make sense.

Mr. McGregor’s a nasty piece of work, isn’t he? Quite the Darth Vader of children’s literature.

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

Words cannot express my disappointment that I must pass on the invitation to once again witness your gelatinous buttocks swaying as you try to climb a greased pole naked in search of athletic glory. Sadly,...

JACK.I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few...

He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.

Because you wear a uniform, a smelly uniform…and so you think you can be rude to me.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

One of the best lovers in Hollywood. What would a title like that encompass exactly? she wondered. Technique? Enthusiasm? Or was it more about equipment?

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

For those whose ganglia were formed pre-TV, the mimetic deployment of pop-culture icons seems at best an annoying tic and at worst a dangerous vapidity that compromises fiction’s seriousness by dating it out of the...

I hate zombies.I know that sound prejudiced. I’m sure some zombies are really nice to kittens and love their parents. But it’s been my experience that most are not the kind of people you want...

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind. […] ‘Noble Savages of Earth,’ he said. ‘Long time we have tried to live together in peace.’ (It had been five months.) ‘Long...

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

Out of all the fathers in the world, I am the most like Mother Theresa. Also, I am childless.