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Erma Bombeck  Quotes
Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.

—Erma Bombeck

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Humor
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

—Erma Bombeck

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GuiltLife
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on...

—Erma Bombeck

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BedsFamilyHousekeeping
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

—Erma Bombeck

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AirportsLuggageTravel
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you...

—Erma Bombeck

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HumorMothers
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Laugh now, cry later.

—Erma Bombeck

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CryingLaughterTears
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All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

—Erma Bombeck

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BraveryCarpetingChildren
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

—Erma Bombeck

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HumorParenting
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A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

—Erma Bombeck

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AmusingFunnyHumor
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Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.

—Erma Bombeck

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Humorous
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

—Erma Bombeck

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ChildrenErma-BombeckHumor
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

—Erma Bombeck

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AdviceBirthCar
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.

—Erma Bombeck

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CivilizationHumorSociety
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There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

—Erma Bombeck

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Humorous
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snips and snails and puppydog tails.

—Erma Bombeck

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ChildrenGirlsMotherhood
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Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.

—Erma Bombeck

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Confidence
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.

—Erma Bombeck

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Philosophy
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We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

—Erma Bombeck

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BeachesHumorSaltwater
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

—Erma Bombeck

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FootballMenSports
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When God Created Mothers”When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said. “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.” And...

—Erma Bombeck

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ChildrenFamilyHumor
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You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle,...

—Erma Bombeck

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AmericaIndependenceIndependence-Day
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.

—Erma Bombeck

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AfterlifeGodHeaven
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

—Erma Bombeck

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Humorous
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When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

—Erma Bombeck

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FamilyHumorMothers
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Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

—Erma Bombeck

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BoxesCardboardGifts
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A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

—Erma Bombeck

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FriendshipFunny
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In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never...

—Erma Bombeck

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Humorous
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

—Erma Bombeck

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ComedyHumorHurt
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip

—Erma Bombeck

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BaseballGossip
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

—Erma Bombeck

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BraveryCourageDreams
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.

—Erma Bombeck

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Carpe-DiemFoodTitanic
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I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food

—Erma Bombeck

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FoodHumor
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Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

—Erma Bombeck

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FootballHumor
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

—Erma Bombeck

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Marriage
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The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

—Erma Bombeck

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FoodShopping
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Housework can kill you if done right.

—Erma Bombeck

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ChoresHousekeepingHumor
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We’ve got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don’t know how it was before, so they think, this isn’t too bad. We’re working. We have our attache’ cases and our three piece...

—Erma Bombeck

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Feminism
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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren’t two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy’s permission, blessings, and money to survive.

—Erma Bombeck

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AgeMarriageRelationships
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

—Erma Bombeck

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FoodHolidaysThanksgiving
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Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

—Erma Bombeck

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FashionHumor
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.

—Erma Bombeck

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Motherhood
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

—Erma Bombeck

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ChildrenFamilyParenting
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I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

—Erma Bombeck

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Food
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