Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on...

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you...

Laugh now, cry later.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

snips and snails and puppydog tails.

Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When God Created Mothers”When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said. “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.” And...

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle,...

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never...

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Housework can kill you if done right.

We’ve got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don’t know how it was before, so they think, this isn’t too bad. We’re working. We have our attache’ cases and our three piece...

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren’t two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy’s permission, blessings, and money to survive.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.