My conscience is cleared.

I gave three quiet cheers for Minnesota. In Seattle a dusty inch of anything white and chilly means the city lapses into full-on panic mode, as if each falling flake crashes to earth with its...

It’s kind of interesting you’re driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today,” I said.”And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility...

Don’t make me cover your face with a pillow until you see my side of things.””Isn’t that called murder?

Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps...

Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.

I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.

X outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren’t all that interested in set theory anyhow}.

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

I’m allergic to alcohol and narcotics, I break out in handcuffs”-Robert Downey Jr.

The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her locked in the dungeon of my heart.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

I Have Fought the Good Fight and Won

I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion is fruit.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

I’m financially ugly.

I may be crazy, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I’m mad but not ill.

Wisdom of the Ages: Do the aliens on the moon pull down their pants and ‘earth’ their friends for fun?

In every possible instance Saint Paul begged Christians to restrain themselves to contain their carnal yearnings to live solitary and sexless lives on earth as it is in heaven. “But if they cannot contain ”...

Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.

Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This...

I know. That sounds like a lie. But Presbyterians know that every so often a lie isn’t all that bad, and I figured that this was about the best place it could happen.

I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.

How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.

You’re not celibate, then?” I breathe. Amusement lights up his eyes.”No, Anastasia, I’m not celibate.

The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

What’s the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I’ll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for...

Even bipolar vampires needed sleep from time to time, and he was well past his recommended safe dosage of stress.

The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The rusty can is all my father left me when he left us to...

You made me feel less alone;you made me feel not quite sodeformed, uninformed and hunchbacked.

He’s acting as foolish as a kitten… but then, everyone’s entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!

(Sadie)”I’m not judging you, Dylan. I love vampire movies. If I looked surprised it was only because it’s so different from your TV work, that’s all.”His shoulders relaxed a notch. “Sorry. Olly gives me a...

The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.

Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed.”I grinned. “Then I daresay it’s good I’m a woman.

It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I found out I was abandoned as a baby, so they weren’t my real...

The guards had asked the Doctor to please wait in the hallway until Mr McCavity had time to see him. So it seemed only polite, the Doctor thought, to wait until they had gone before...

His [Lord Peter’s] long, amiable face looked as if it had generated spontaneously from his top hat, as white maggots breed from Gorgonzola.

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

Boys are universal giver, women remains universal receiver.

I found out who my real dad is on Facebook. I also found out who he isn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he isn’t.

Had Stella been named anything else, and/or had we lived in any other city besides New Orleans, my desperate call would have been just my desperate call. In that alternate universe the neighbors might have...

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg’s length, right below the knee.

I thought you were just typical teenagers.”No one has ever called me typical. I can’t say I like it.