I couldn’t throw a basketball through a hula-hoop, but I could drink coffee through a fishing net. But why do that when I’d rather fish with a thermos?

DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

Eugene’s got a fake ID, and he actually gets away with using it because he looks like he’s thirty-six, thanks to his devotion to tasseled shoes and his ridiculous carpet of chest hair.

Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was...

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.

Geoff’s arm emanated with a solid warmth I longed for after our days aboard S.S. British-Craphole.

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

The trouble with dead people today is they have no sense of decorum

We’re like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

I guess I forgot we were going out tonight.””We always go out on Fridays.””It’s Thursday, Alvis.””You are so tied to routine.

You better hope she doesn’t say a word,” Gabe warned, lifting a finger to Uri’s nose.Uri grabbed the finger laughing, “What are you going to do, cupcake? Seduce me to death, in all your sexy...

A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.

Too bad the buttons on my shirt don’t operate the elevator at work. If they did, maybe I wouldn’t have taken off my pants and taken the stairs.

Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?

Did you know say the true cause of the Civil War was some Northerner adding nutmeg to a mint julep?” Lucy asked.

He’s probably somewhere right now eating a Big-N-Tasty. The man has a coffee pot, a microwave, AND a mini refrigerator in his classrooom. If you plan on having a conversation with him, I suggest you...

He could totally be your boyfriend,” [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. “You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog.””I’m only a kid!” I shrieked....

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed?Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara’s Bush! From ‘Walk On By II

That’s the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

Oh, look, there are jobs available in Jacksonville! Today there are two jobs for me and 1.2 million other people in this city to choose from. I can either go into the advertising industry by...

Ramon looked closely at the little guy as he ate. “Maybe he’s Jewish. I mean, if Sammy Davis Jr. could convert to Judaism, why not a chupacabra? We should name him Harry Mendelbaum.”I held up...

It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.

How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?”Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

I can smell a whisper from two secret admirers away. Of all the Men’s rooms, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into this one.

No one can know your strength and weakness better than yourself.

I may be taller than her on my knees. Does she need a man she can climb?

I’m not a treasure hunter—I’m a treasure farmer. I grow quotes, and each person like Tim Fargo who tweets me is a thrill no shipwreck can match.

Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor...

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

Can I have a glass of water?” Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She’d always sounded like that after they’d-He didn’t just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a...

An eye for an eye my friend.

(Da) “Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you.”(Later) “Sorry, Son, I missed that,” Ma said. “Ignoring you can be a full-time job.

At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.

A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case

On the Kite, the situation was being ‘workshopped’. This is the means by which people who don’t know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even half the “Fuck you” signs in the world. It’s impossible.

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends.

Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn’t taken a liking to that. She decided to...

For me to enjoy a salad, I need the right dressing. Vodka is salad dressing, right?

Got a bout of doubt? Breathe.