He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.

A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them. As a token of my gratitude to that tree, I used it for...

Perfect sanity is a myth propagated by straitjacket salesmen.

His bedroom was a reflection of Bryant’s mind, its untidy shelves filled with games and puzzles stacked in ancient boxes, statues and mementoes competing for space with books on every subject imaginable, from Sensation and...

You go Picasso!

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

I don’t eat applesauce, but I do eat applause. I don’t use a spoon—I eat applause with my hands.

If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.

There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.

Yeah, I peed on it.

PHI is one H of a lot cooler than PI!

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

If you make a deal with a fool, don’t be surprised when they act foolishly.

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.

This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?

The desert doesn’t care who you are, and neither does anyone or anything who lives in it.

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many.” ” I never thought about it quite that way.” Well, you’re a man. ” She gave his knee a friendly pat.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

I don’t run errands. Usually I jog.

Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.

If you’re right & I’m not, I’m going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.””I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”Dimitri sighed.

Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with...

Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.

If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.

Must you always speak with so many pop culture references?””I must, yes, but no one’s making pop culture anymore, so I’m starting to feel dated. I haven’t seen a new movie in two years. And...

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi’s...

I’m rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn’t really count…

Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don’t ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.

Don’t ever trust anyone who’s writing a book. They make up lies for a living.

When an American family becomes separated from its toothbrushes and combs and pajamas for a few hours it considers that it has had quite an adventure.

Lady, I was gonna cut you some slack, ’cause you’re a major mythological figure…but now you’ve just gone nuts!

It’s not reasonable to love people who are only going to die,” she said.Nash thought about that for a moment, stroking Small’s neck with great deliberation, as if the fate of the Dells depended on...

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.

I found a bra in a bar. Guess when? Anagram Night! It’s the one day of the year that’s truly for lovers. It’s also for a solver.

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

I confronted the fact that I was not only talking to a dog, but answering for one.