I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.

I used to wrestle, and I had a perfect record. I never failed to fail.

Of course we got drunk!” Semyon said. “It’s okay to get drunk, Anton. If you need to real bad. Only you have to get drunk on vodka. Cognac and wine—that’s all for the heart.””So what’s...

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

Am I going crazy, or am I the only one who can hear the silence?

You should go into every relationship as a brick and not a blanket.

Feelings are like chemicals, the more you analyze them the worse they smell.

Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs in, and keep driving way over the speed limit. You are in control...

I’ve never cheated on a lover. I’m faithful, always. But the war comes before anyone’s feelings. Every time.”Wow. Battle before love. Without a doubt, he was the most unromantic male she’d ever met. Even more...

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I’m out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!

Old habits die hard. Especially if those old habits involve murder and death.

Life is still very much the same since I said I love you and she said nothing. That was two months ago, and neither one of us has yet to hang up the phone. I...

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax…

I got tapped for the job position. As soon as I felt it on my shoulder, I turned around and my boss told me.

That wasn’t Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old,” Kate said.I told you, they age slower out here. It’s all the fresh California air,” Val replied.Yes, because that’s exactly what Los Angeles is known...

We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.””Scrabble?” He sounds surprised. “Scrabble’s great.””Not when you’re playing with a family of geniuses, it’s not. They all put words like ‘iridiums’. And I put ‘pig’.

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.

You know how mainstream news is interspersed with product ads? Well, why aren’t all the shows made entirely out of the stuff? I find commercials more believable, and I’d be more inclined to watch.

How’s your grandpa?””Still worried that your blackness will infect me.””That’s the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will...

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.

When I smell small, my nose gets clogged up. Think what would happen if I whiffed medium or large.

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first” “Yes””Well, it’s truer in bed than it is anywhere else.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

A man’s subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and...

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

He was a glass half full kind of person and she was…what? The glass is going to break before you can even pour kind of person. Yikes.

It’s hot. I’m sweatin’. I don’t want to go campin’,” his voiced pitched high to mock me.

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

I dodged behind Mac for cover and refused to take the bait. I glanced at my nonexistent watch. ‘Oops, look at the time. Guess I have to be going now. Let’s not do this again...

She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must’ve starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point.

A politician’s autobiography is a book that’s nothing more than a collection of paper, like toilet paper, only it’s stacked instead of rolled.

It’s only life. We all get through it.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. “I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

Writer’s block’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘I don’t feel like doing any work today.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.

I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

That woman could spread gossip faster than the flu in a whorehouse.

If you say anything, it just gets worse.

Tell me the story,” said Fenchurch firmly. “You arrived at the station.””I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong.” “Get on with it.” Fenchurch laughed.”So I bought a newspaper,...

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

Percy: You just hit the lord of the titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Just don’t ask me to take sides when the two of you go at each other. Okay?”They nodded, then looked at each other. Finn waggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, and Bria snorted. But...