The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That’s one of my hobbies, when I’m not impersonating statues of mimes.

When people keep telling you that you can’t do a thing, you kind of like to try it.

Vampires do breathe, by the way, but their chests don’t move like humans’. Have you ever lain in the arms of your sweetheart and tried to match your breathing to his, or hers? You do...

The red tongues that went licking up my heap of wood were an altogether new and strange thing to Weena.

There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.

…I want to grab her collarbones as if they were handlebars.

I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their...

We can get you a throne with snakes. I’ll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear Kate Daniels. She is a mighty and terrible ruler. Grendel can anoint the...

You’ve got some power,” Jakkin said. “One hug—and the lights go out!

Fish and visitors stink after three days.

You know you’re officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.

A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.

I’ve already seen what you’ve got,” Liz said, completely out of patience. “Now gimme my wine.””It’s not that. I want to show you something at my place.”Do I have Idiot stamped on my forehead? They...

Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.

I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.

I spent hours yesterday talking of little but medical symptoms and insane asylums. And you listened as though it were poetry and all but swooned at my feet. It is too bad I don’t have...

In Life, you need to know the difference between what you think is right and what you know is right.

By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I’d rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

I think people over the age of 6’2” look great. Just look at me! I was born in less than 19.82 inches.

I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold more of it, but nobody really liked your product. Plus, the people who...

Babe!

Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said. “You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the...

I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.

My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.

As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers.””As a girl, I am compelled to protect what’s left of my manicure,” Petra said.

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.

I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But...

Conflict of interest. I wanted to date somebody who was less screwed up than me, and she wasn’t.

Better broke than dead.

I have gone temporarily deaf and haven’t any idea what you said, Harry.

Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.

I didn’t fire my gun. I gave it a promotion.

I am illiterate. Just not in English.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

…ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after, but girls can take care of themselves.

The expected battle hadn’t taken place, yet something else had. Images of the entertainment which had just gone down were already coming back into Rat’s head. It had been wonderful to watch, unbelievably wonderful, the...

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

Man is an endangered species.

I hadn’t realized she could shrink… It makes sense now with the tricks Ari was able to perform with her.””She wasn’t born that way. Her mother was a scientist working to reduce subatomic particles.””And whose...

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

I could not be a zombie. They had no thoughts. Their brains were gruel. They said little beyond “Brrr!” unable, even, to articulate completely what they sought.”Brains,”I said distinctly. “And I feel no burning urge...

He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?

Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

I can pull over,” he answers smartly.

I want to raise awareness for platform shoes’ ability to raise awareness.