If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.

I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually.

I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife.

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game,...

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”I grinned back.

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

naked fun time,” which was apparently what Joseph called it. There were some things people should never know, and that was one of them.

You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.

A brick could be an object to measure your life against. Are you square, rigid, and inflexible? If yes, are you in the military? If no, why are you acting like a brick?

Humanity’s a nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there.

Piece of Heaven?” “No, that other place I’m going to go to for thinking what I’m thinking.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

It took me several minutes to persuade myself to watch the news. During which time I gave myself a stern talking to. That turned into me considering a local pub that would be the perfect...

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. “Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you’re not a vampire, you’re clearly the most anemic goth I’ve ever seen.”… “We believed you. Because that’s what friends...

Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.

That’s Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they’re the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

And the old man hugs him back and says, ‘Pinocchio?

Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and...

Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

I fish better than any fish alive.

Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit.

Some people expect things to fall into their lap. Oh, they might work a bit for it. I’ll just shake this tree, and if I shake it long enough that pretty red apple will plop...

It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!

I am a man of peace [so he told Mother, but it always appeared to me that he was the most belligerent man of peace I had ever encountered]

What are you grinning at?” Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. “Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we’re both on the verge of an...

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – “”Plumbers?”” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.

A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn’t have to go so fast.

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.

Please, touch me, I pray.

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

I don’t like hot coffee that’s cold, or iced coffee that’s hot. Or leftover love in a rusty thermos.

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him. “God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.”He laughed. “That’s something the vampire...

I really should come with a warning label.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

She had so many freckles that Erskine wondered if she might have stolen some from other children.

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

Satire is the antidote to Pollyanna and Dr. Pangloss. It focuses our gaze sharply upon the the contrast between things as they are and as they should be.

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of...