If you’re right & I’m not, I’m going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the fastest, to make the best use of what little time they have.

I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil’ Demons lunch box. I left him alive – partly because he had a cool lunch box…

She frowned at me. “You need some rest. You look like hell. And you’re obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles.”Wizards don’t giggle,” I said, hardly able to speak. “This is cackling.

Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.

The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it’s too weird not to be. Also, consider the evidence. He lives in Wisconsin and does...

Boomerang arrow, Kate — It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it.

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

I’d rather be assassinated. It’s not like I’m doing anything this evening. Inevitably there’ll be a parade, so just remember your umbrella.

June cackled with delight, muttering, “Whoops!” as a car almost killed them.

Bite me, faerie fruitcake.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

All love is socioeconomic. It’s the gradients in status that make arousal possible.

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

When an American family becomes separated from its toothbrushes and combs and pajamas for a few hours it considers that it has had quite an adventure.

All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.

Without a sense of humor, you don’t have much sense at all.

You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.”Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next...

I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.

In my experience, the ex-military guys came in two types. The first grew long hair, sprouted beards, and indulged in all the things they hadn’t been able do while they’d been in the armed forces....

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful....

I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

That’s good. And speaking of spelling, tell me — do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower?

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

I can be humbler than anyone.

So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.

Question: What do you get the man who has everything? Answer: a concious. That guy is so greedy.

I totally bought you as a girl,” says Marisol. “I’ll double check with Frances later, but by the sounds of things, you seem to have no balls.

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound...

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.

here!” and you threw 5000 likes on me and it felt like slugs. And smelled like fried chicken. I was so confused. I vomited a rainbow.

Since when did psychiatry become one big, fat Myspace survey?

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I’m the woman for him?~ Susan

Hell’s bells, Susan, you don’t know what you’ve done. You’ve got to get outof here.”She snorted. “Like hell.””I mean it,” I said. “You’re in danger.””Relax, Harry. I’m not letting anyone lick me, and I’m not...

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

You mean you don’t want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

Oh, well, faint heart never won so much as a scrap of paper

Aprender a aprender significa examinar las suposiciones. Los relatos de Mulá Nasrudín cumplen muy frecuentemente esta función.

Oh shit, the mummy’s after us, let’s all walk a little faster

I don’t remember ever signing up for weird. It just sort of happened.

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

I walked through the house to the back porch and found the screen door covered top to bottom, side to side, with cats meowing for food. . . . They were so thick on the...

Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around.