I took a break, stretched, tried again, failed, kicked over the music stand (I am not proud of that), and wonder whether I had reached the limits of my musical ability. Maybe I’d never had...

You’re only a man! You’ve not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

people don’t get meit’s more rule than exceptionGod bless exceptions

I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.

If the people we’re talking about are all my clones, then yes, I am a people person. I really do care. Ask me out or invite me in, and I’ll say yes—especially if you are...

Escaping goblins to be caught by wolves!

From Chapter 11 “Rainy Day Puppy” (“The Missing Tulip Bulbs”): The next few days were hard on the family. It rained. It was cold. Winter had returned. The puppy grew and gained energy equal to...

I’ll use your chicken burrito as a crayon. I’ll draw what love looks like, if you promise not to eat it.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.

I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.

When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

Colin: “1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex.” He looked truly puzzled.

No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.

But you have read Madame Bovary?’ (I’d never heard of her books.) ‘No.

It rained toads the day the White Council came to town.

Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

In countries where all the crooked politicians wear pin-striped suits, the best people are bare-assed.

One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another’s bones in one’s vexation.

Listen up, Mount High-Hair,” Gustav barked. “Say what you want about me, but lay off the rest of the team. I’ve been through a lot of stuff with these people. Nobody can tell me that...

In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied “I love you back” and...

I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they were looking out for my best interest. How refreshing it’d be to see...

In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.

The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.

The moon’s weird though, right? It’s there, and there, and then suddenly it’s not. And it seems to be pretty far up. Is it watching us? If not, what is it watching instead? Is there...

There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.

Falderson,” he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, “is as stupid as the day is long.” He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. “In fact, he’s even...

manhole cover” is.

You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.

I would rather avoid disaster than take it out for dinner and a movie. – Chynna Lennox

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

If you’re not writing, you’re wronging.

The disappearance of love. Two become one, like I cross my legs, intertwined, and hard to run.

I met a girl today, and she wants to go out tonight. I’m like, What’s the rush? I’m thirty years old, and fate has made me wait three decades to meet you, so what’s another...

I’m sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.

…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone...

Actually, the Sniper’s sense of humor frightened Amy more than anything else. The parody of Carla’s poem had been witty, the rudeness of Marvy’s critique outlandish, and she was still, for some reason, focused on...

There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to be potty trained.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few...

If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.

I’m very fond of experimental housekeeping.

I know you’re the only pistol champion we have, but I’d rather they no see enough of you to hit. You’re also the only wife I have…””You’re so sweet.'”…at the moment.

I cross-examined him and he double-crossed me but that’s fine; I’ll prosecute him one day and he’ll be sentenced to life without parole…with me.

I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.

When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.