Are you a female dog?””What?” Massie asked. “Why?””Because you are acting like a real bitch!

You graduated 120 years ago? When I graduated I was just one of many in a large stack of love letters. Now get me out of this Time Fridge before I self-cannibalize! I walked a...

Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the time, so what did I know about coffee?

Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

I also drink Scotch. But I’m not picky. I’ll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill.

I can’t work well when I am under stress. It reduces me to normalcy. Stress is my kryptonite. And I usually don’t change in phone booths, though I do take long distance showers there.

This showed once again that everyone had something different to lose in this battle. Some were concerned for their lives, and some for those they cared most about: rays, sea horses, even the chickens that...

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

I’ve always felt that love and luck are two sides of the same pair of jeans. Pick a partner that won’t pick your pockets, and you won’t have to be plucky to find pleasure.

Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead’s bushy eyebrows fell off because they were not his own eyebrows, but false ones. As she woke again, her first impression was that which...

Can’t you just like a girl who likes you back?”None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much...

Love Is How You How You Dress

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

I had a dream about you. You wore a cowboy boot, and I wore a better fitting hat. You were in a white dress, like a wedding dress, only weddinger. I was wearing a twisted...

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me...

How am I? I would be good if I weren’t stuck at work. I work at a glue factory.

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Taking out werewolves, I gather and surmise, is akin to taking out a SEAL team.

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

Want to talk about it?” I asked gently.He smirked at me. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m a guy. We don’t do that.” My nose scrunched up in confusion. “We don’t discuss our feelings.””That’s a...

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Love is like trying to put out a fire with a pair of scissors. I have a thing for redheads with short hair.

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

He doesn’t seem very impressed,” Cimorene commented in some amusement.”Why should he be?” Kazul said.”Well, you’re a dragon,” Cimorene answered, a little taken aback.”What difference does that make to a cat?

This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.

I always listen to you. Except when I don’t.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

This is going to be murder,” Fransic whispered to Mr. Trimes. “Pure murder.””I’m glad to see your confidence returning, Mr. Tucket. Just a few minutes ago you were ready to give up. Now you’re talking...

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

Don’t waste yer’ breath kid. Explainin’ anything to that one? It’s like tryin’ ta’ slap the dumb off a retard… -George Foster

I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner.”He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.

And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

Sure. If she gets mugged, she can just flute them to death.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

Did you get notes for me?””No”, Ronan replied,”I thought you were dead in a ditch.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his . . . nothing. A vampire and a werewolf. I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having...

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride – where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.