If the gooseberry said: ‘I haven’t the heart to be a real proper gooseberry because if everyone were a gooseberry the world wouldn’t continue to exist’ this would be a stupid argument and the world...

Soul mates are said to be two souls destined to be together, programmed to recognize each other across time and space. I didn’t know whether that was the truth, but I was inclined to believe...

Death’s got an Invisibility Cloak?” Harry interrupted again.”So he can sneak up on people,” said Ron. “Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…

A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successful mugging with.

As children’, wrote Alice Raikes (Mrs. Wilson Fox) in The Times, January 22, 1932, ‘we lived in Onslow Square and used to play in the garden behind the houses. Charles Dodgson used to stay with...

He didn’t fail to disappoint. He always succeeds at failing.

I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.”No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We...

Tell this guy to eat a hundred-calorie pack of dicks.

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

My STD test results came back, and sure enough, I’m a genius.

I wondered what he would have thought if he’d known that I’d gleaned most of my information from reading historical romance novels.

And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I’m saying is that if you get, I don’t know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid,...

I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.

The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do.

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.

The Death Eaters can’t all be pure-blood, there aren’t enough pure-blood wizards left,” said Hermione stubbornly. “I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It’s only Muggle-borns they hate, they’d be quite...

A person crying is like a sponge wringing itself out. Love is better than a sink that turns itself off without you having to touch the handle.

Easy. Peasy

Well, you’re going to—on endless repeat until you start talking.

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world’s first everlasting cigarette. It’ll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely.

But before any of the small appliances who may be listening to this tale should begin to think that they might do the same thing, let them be warned: ELECTRICITY IS VERY DANGEROUS. Never play...

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one;...

Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George’s shop?”How did you…?”Harry, please. You’re talking to the man...

A nation’s not a child, for God’s sake. … It’s like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.

Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that...

DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

You’ve got no sense of humor.””I’m going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you’ve got to attack him while he’s in the shower, Harry.

Mummy can we keep him?” Madeleine asked with the wide eyes of a burgeoning crush.”Darling, little boys make terrible pets,” Mrs. Masterson offered with a wink.”That’s not true at all, Mummy. They’re hypoallergenic, much easier...

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

Once upon a time she had liked to dance. When she had been about the same age as the little brunette out there who kept lifting her dress up over her head. Now that was...

What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.

This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.

Well, I always did want to go out in a Braveheart kind of way. I’ll just have to think of something cool to yell before they cut my head off.

But this bus was a bit too full. The driver only appeared to control the glass and metal around him. In reality, he was at the nose of a travelling paroxysm.

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

They-” He stopped and just blinked at me for a minute. “You know, people are always saying that you’re cuckoo. Looney Tunes. Off the freaking edge. But I tell ’em, no, she’s okay. She’s got...

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

How to arrive unexpectedly and invisibly: show up looking poor, but not homeless.

You better hope she doesn’t say a word,” Gabe warned, lifting a finger to Uri’s nose.Uri grabbed the finger laughing, “What are you going to do, cupcake? Seduce me to death, in all your sexy...

Don’t alter my altar. I don’t believe you don’t believe.

Our friend Dirac has a creed; and the main tenet of that creed is: There is no God, and Dirac is his prophet.

I loved her like the sun might say to the moon, “Stop stealing my light!”

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman...

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

Love is two unicorns arguing over which is better: one animal with two horns, like a bull, or two animals with one horn apiece. I guess it doesn’t matter, because you should never debate when...

He’s probably somewhere right now eating a Big-N-Tasty. The man has a coffee pot, a microwave, AND a mini refrigerator in his classrooom. If you plan on having a conversation with him, I suggest you...