I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and...

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.

I have a chip on my shoulder. It’s a nacho, not a sense of bitterness.

Who the hell calls at two in the morning?””Maybe it’s Matt Wilde, confessing his love,” Lindsay says.”Very funny,

Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening...

Do you ever wonder if you’re the antichrist? I do. Not for myself of course, but I think you’re the devil.

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter…with alliteration, no less!

The trouble with cousins, Lizabeth thought, was that they knew all about you, even your allergies.

Like all real heroes, Charley had a fatal flaw. He refused to believe that he had gonorrhea, whereas the truth was that he did.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today,...

I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.

I’m a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform...

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy.

The house seemed to have all the comforts of little Children, dirt and litter.

You know, I’m not even sure how we ended up living together.””I am,” Jake said, turning back to the lake. “Sex. It’s a powerful force, my boy, and women use it.””Is that why you gave...

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians are natural hunters. If there is a good and productive thing, they will...

It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. “If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.

Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.

There was a multitude of sexual scenarios, from asimple one-on-one couple fucking like bunnies to anoutright orgy with no less than eight people joined likeLEGOs.

I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.

I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and suits freak me out.

Barzûl!

If I were a shovel salesman, my biggest customers would be murderers. Oh, and spurned lovers trying to bury the past.

This was our last night. We only had one curtain call, Bree. And I thought they were going to give us a standing ovation, but no-o-o-. Do you know why half the audience stood up?””To...

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to reproduce a knock off to sell on the black market.

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Midol.

In light of the darkness, I see no reason to have no reason.

Working hard is a fool’s anthem, getting others to work for you is the motto for every successful man.

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.

I used to wrestle, and I had a perfect record. I never failed to fail.

I’m a Skeptic. And I’m a Journalist. I look up things in the library—a lot! I believe in the motto of Missouri, the ‘Show-me, don’t just blow me’ state. I need evidence. I need demonstrations....

Am I going crazy, or am I the only one who can hear the silence?

You should go into every relationship as a brick and not a blanket.

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs in, and keep driving way over the speed limit. You are in control...

I’ve never cheated on a lover. I’m faithful, always. But the war comes before anyone’s feelings. Every time.”Wow. Battle before love. Without a doubt, he was the most unromantic male she’d ever met. Even more...

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she’s a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better. Crowd: [shouts]...

Life is still very much the same since I said I love you and she said nothing. That was two months ago, and neither one of us has yet to hang up the phone. I...

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.

I got tapped for the job position. As soon as I felt it on my shoulder, I turned around and my boss told me.

That wasn’t Josh Hartnett; that kid was eighteen years old,” Kate said.I told you, they age slower out here. It’s all the fresh California air,” Val replied.Yes, because that’s exactly what Los Angeles is known...

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

You know how mainstream news is interspersed with product ads? Well, why aren’t all the shows made entirely out of the stuff? I find commercials more believable, and I’d be more inclined to watch.