He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance.

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman...

Reckoner Super Plan for Killing Regalia…Step One: find Regalia, then totally explode her. Lots and Lots.Step Two: put Val on decaf.Step Three: Mizzy gets a cookie.

Buy the town, and rent the politician. Politicians are refillable, like empty cups of coffee.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of 0. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being...

Like vampires and extremely rich people, black folk can sense one another. Use your Spidey Sense (Blacky Sense?). Use your blackdar to inspect the workplace for signs of Other Negroes. They may be working security...

I had a dream about you. We were both surrounded by poor people, but there was one big difference—I was poor, but you were rich. That’s why I was shocked when you tried to rob...

Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia’s pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path....

A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

There are no miracles on Mondays.

I hate cold-calling. I like my phone calls warm, like meatloaf.

He looked the boy up and down as if he had never seen a child before and wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do with one: eat it, ignore it or kick it...

Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.

Ever since Sincere died, I’ve been meaning to have meaning. Her love was the one thing that made me want to do other things, and without it I’m thingless.

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.

I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father…’ You don’t talk to you friends like that. ‘Ed, Ed, come over,...

I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.

But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were...

favorite” and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way.

She’d absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn’t own and feel no remorse about it.

Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.

Since I can’t turn into a bat and fly, I’ll still need my bus pass

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.

Do you see those dull stars?” She outlined the formation with her finger.”A pentagram,” whispered Scott.”Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope.”Scott approached the eyepiece.”They’re not stars!” “What do they...

Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and...

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

You’re only young once. That is all society can stand.

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

No. I’m really fast asleep,” came his voice from under the cowl.

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is...

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don’t get it: If you’re not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

I have a thing for evil bald bad guys. The Kurgan is too sexy.

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

Someone ought to be rude to him. He’s rude enough to everyone else.

My mind didn’t clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to...

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.