Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You’re totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can’t see this sentence!!!!!)

My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.

Why was the judgement of the disapproving so valuable? Who said that their good opinions tended to be any more rational than those of generally pleasant people?

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort....

Zombies are the middle children of the otherworldly family. Vampires are the oldest brother who gets to have a room in the attic, all tripped out with a disco ball and shag carpet. Werewolves are...

We see beyond our eyes, but not back into them, at least not without the self-deceptive help of a mirror. Squeegees are for lovers.

You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair.

I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?

And then there’s the perverse joy of subtly working in references to marathon training in daily life, say at the post office or while waiting outside my first-graders’ classrooms at the end of the school...

Go make love to a tube sock.

But a girl can dream. And I have a feeling he’s going to be starring in a lot of them.

Carla was wearing a No Fear sweatshirt. You are too old, Amy wanted to tell her, for legible clothing.

I’ll kill my critics with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll use something deadlier, like a knife.

Do you know people who insist they like ‘all kinds of music’? That actually means they like no kinds of music.

I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don’t have much influence, as you could tell...

Ish #109 “If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You’ll get there quicker.

Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?

Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?” asked Jace.”It was Simon who promised you...

Just my luck: My bloodthirsty killing machine was better with both kids and women than I was.

The silence sounded like a fire alarm in my ears.

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

Three,’ reckoned the captain, ‘ourselves make seven, counting Hawkins, here. Now, about honest hands?’Most likely Trelawney’s own men,” said the doctor; ‘those he had picked up for himself, before he lit on Silver.’Nay,’ replied the...

Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. “Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.””Canoodle?” repeated Clary, never having heard the word before.”Magnificent?”...

I’ve been working on something that merges rap with classical…. I call it Baby’s Got Bach.

All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.

Pundits are always blaming TV for making people stupid, movies for desensitizing the world to violence, and rock music for making kids take drugs and kill themselves. These things should be the least of our...

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to...

I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.

I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings.

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset...

If you had to sacrifice three people to save six people, would you do it? I would—if the three were politicians and the six were teachers, inventors, artists, or anybody but lawyers, lobbyists, or central...

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week...

Perché piangono gli uomini? Per colpa delle lotte e delle gesta e della maratona delle promozioni, perché vogliono la mamma, perché restano ciechi anche col passar del tempo, per colpa di tutte le erezioni che...

Don’t you think ‘Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?” Julian was saying as Emma approached. “I mean, if you really think about it. It’s confusing. ‘Put a Mark on me, Mark.

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

I am the master of the Whisper Shout. It sounds like my normal talking voice, only breathier. It makes a common I love you sound Top Secret.

When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it’s because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends.

I love you more, dumb ass.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

Is there a particular reason you keep biting vampires?”Will touched the dried blood on his wrists, and smiled. “They don’t expect it.””Of course they don’t. They know what happens when one of us consumes vampire...

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn’t to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, “I’m going to shit my pants any second!”But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. “I’m...