Mer—mermaids. There are fish with women’s bodies or—women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I—I never knew…

Don’t do it. Please. I know this book looks delicious with its light-weight pages sliced thin a prosciutto and swiss stacked in a way that would make Dagwood salivate. The scent of freshly baked words...

It pours itself. My love, I mean. I hope you like a lot of gravy on your mashed potatoes!

I had a dream about you. I was a chef and you were a buffet. The people were starving, children were dying of malnutrition, and all the politicians tried feeding them rhetoric. I suggested we...

No one likes a person that “should of” all over the place.

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

As my turn approached, I suddenly became aware of my own heartbeat. I wished that I were a Tibetan lama, so that I could control its racing valves.

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

Here was a flower (the daisy reflected) strangely like itself and yet utterly unlike itself too. Such a paradox has often been the basis for the most impassioned love.

If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept–similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn’t looked so sweet, we would have killed him while...

I wish I had a body like fog or mist, and could move mysteriously. But genetics being what they are, I’m stuck with a body like haze.

Nothing’s a better cure for writer’s block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food because it’s made out of cats?” Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.”Genevieve, that’s just gross and wrong. Don’t say things like that. Bubbles is a...

Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.

I collect information. But not just any information, I collect misinformation. I am the museum of misinformation. I’m also the artist and curator. And Docent.

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

Well, a lady isn’t exactly what they are expecting.

There’s always a but. It’s a magical word. You can say anything you want, go on for as long as you want, and then all you have to do is add the magic word and...

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s...

contemporary poetry is a kind of Reykjavik, a place where accessibility and intelligence have been fighting a Cold War by proxy for the last half-century.

You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it’s worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it’s worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style...

Curran looked back at me. “Why is it you always attract creeps?””You tell me.” Ha! Walked right into that one, yes, he did.

Michael staggered to his feet and turned to face his worst nightmare. Baal stood before him, a smirk on his face. He wore his signature grey, pinstripe, three-piece suit, and casually twisted his pinky ring...

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?

To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.

I had an aunt named ‘abnormal Shauna’ once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.

I wish art was like money in that the more I made, the more interest it developed and plentiful it became. Money makes money, and if art made art, there’s no prison in this country...

I can pray if I want to. Then be quiet about it.

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

I’m not going to do that.””of course you’re not.” Jace said. “because you live to torture me, don’t you?””Not everything, Jace, is about you.” Clary said furiously.”Possibly,” Jace said “But you have to admit that...

I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.

Even now – in the final hour of my life -I’m falling in love again.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,’ right? Well guess what? I’ve read every single book on the New York Times list...

Sales is the art of canvasing a field, framing a problem, and painting a solution. But you can’t go Van Gogh on a deal. You’ve got to use both your ears.

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

You run away to join another circus.

Cazadores de Sombras: se les ve mejor el negro que a las viudas de sus enemigos dede 1234.

My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.

But you’ve loads of shoes,” he bellowed joyfully. I shook my head sadly. Men just don’t get it, do they? They’re definitely missing the shoe chromosome.

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

I had a dream about you. You were cooking me dinner, and I was standing by the stove questioning your every move. You found me ungrateful, and I found the number for Chinese takeout. I...

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.