Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had...

As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you...

The right things often happen for the wrong reason.

Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty.He could picture himself a very happy man at that table.”Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?”...

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

I don’t know but it’s nice to sound optimistic, wouldn’t you agree.

I love in all directions, except southeast. Don’t ask me why, because I already told you where. Also, don’t ask me who, because the list of who I love is as long as a phone...

Why do I seem to have this effect on women? They’re around me and they cry.

If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.

I remembered that Beethoven’s symphonies had sometimes been given names… they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

—Simplemente no te agrada Ash.—No es que me desagrade. —Dee se salió fuera de la cama y se disparó por la habitación, apareciendo al lado de su ventana—. Simplemente creo que es una perra.Dawson se...

My dreams have wings. But not soaring eagle wings, more like the wings of a butterfly—colorful and easily ripped off. The last time my dreams got ripped off was when I shopped at Walmart, the...

Oh my god, I am a banana.

A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty...

‘Personally, I prefer Stevie Wonder,’ confessed the Chink, ‘but what the hell. Those cowgirls are always bitching because the only radio station in the area plays nothing but polkas, but I say you can dance...

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

¨Someday, I’m going to have to break some of your rules, Mom.¨¨I know,¨ she said. ¨Try to do it behind my back, will you?¨¨You can bet on that, Mom.¨We both sat there and laughed.

Ryan couldn’t believe his eyes. Gran wearing leather chaps in a Harley shop, talking about her ass. It was a living nightmare.”What am I doing here?” he asked Gran. Before he could read her the...

You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away...

It is my joy to share with present and future generations these stories so full of humor, warmth, and adventure – and so rich in the rural culture of the early 1900’s.

…hanging out does not make one an artist. A secondhand wardrobe does not make one an artist. Neither do a hair-trigger temper, melancholic nature, propensity for tears, hating your parents, nor even HIV – I...

The average sparrow is something of a bore and the trouble is that all sparrows are average.

If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.

It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.

Shut up. Don’t make me tell you again.”We shut up, which I find hysterically funny.

I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited...

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripper I bought off eBay. But it was just a pair of shoes I ordered. Didn’t matter, I still...

Not kill us,” Pigeon corrected. “She was mainly just trying to turn us into mindless slaves.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and...

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

I’ve noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time.” – Stephanie”I’m multi-lingual,” Rancher said.I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language.

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing,...

My dick didn’t seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the...

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the...

I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

A guilty conscience is jealousy’s playground.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

Use Jesus Motor Fuel—Put a savior in your tank!

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken – T-shirt

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

Mine.

He said, I won’t have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that she’d...

Ah ha!’ the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ”The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!