Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.

Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who’ll get one.

I don’t understand how I could have believed you were a warm, affectionate, and tenderhearted person! You’re obviously as prickly as a porcupine and any man who comes close to you will end up with...

Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.

Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

Probably it was for robbing people.

I had a dream about you. We were waiting in line, and you were right in front of me. The line was three people long, and I felt like the bronze medalist of the Checkout...

The massive lump of flesh that has created you, me, and maybe, animals, everything that has life will forever live.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

Nosferatu is the daddy of modern American sex.

What I knew for sure was that he had a quick temper, a cocky attitude, and a southern accent… Apparently he also has a pet cougar.

I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of course, one goal was one more than I’d scored so far, so it...

Today the same thing over. I’ve got it up the tree again.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.

I love like whole milk. Don’t give me your skim milk commitment.

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as...

High Maintenance; I don’t like to live in place that snows a lot, albeit I’d love to visit one. I won’t marry a super model, albeit date one.

I had a dream about you. You loved me, and I loved you. We had an amazing life until you realized that I also loved your clone. You were jealous, and I didn’t see the...

You don’t buy all the clothes in the market. You choose slowly and carefully, asking the prices for each before buying. The same way you choose your friends, by looking into their lives carefully, before...

This,’ whispered the Doctor to Romana, ‘is going to be like trying to find a book about needles in a room full of books about haystacks.

I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few...

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way

Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you’ll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you...

I had a dream about you. The sky looked threatening, and hail the size, shape, and color of boxing gloves started pounding us in the face. Luckily my mustache looked like Chuck Norris, and you...

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that?

at first I thought you were just using me” she said”I definitely am.” I just wasn’t sure for what.”Asshole!” she said, and punched me in the side. And she laughed as my kidney began to...

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to...

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.

Karl Marx: “Religion is the opiate of the masses.”Carrie Fisher: “I did masses of opiates religiously.

I had a dream about you last night, you were the same piece of S**t I know and hate in real life.

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

I think I’ll help myself to seconds.

I was reading.You’re always reading. The only way people can ever talk to you is to interrupt. Then maybe they shouldn’t talk to me.

You saw my leg?””How can a man help what he sees?” he said. “And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

They can’t tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

I mean that it’s all right to go to bed with an asshole but don’t ever have a baby with one.

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?””It depends on whether or not I get an answer.