The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.

His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience...

Eragon looked back at him, confused. “I don’t understand.””Of course you don’t,” said Brom impatiently. “That’s why I’m teaching you and not the other way around.

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

You scream like a leettle girl.

Lord Peter Wimsey: Facts, Bunter, must have facts. When I was a small boy, I always hated facts. Thought they were nasty, hard things, all nobs. Mervyn Bunter: Yes, my lord. My old mother always...

I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

The Latin word for sausage was botulus, from which English gets two words. One of them is the lovely botuliform, which means sausage-shaped and is a more useful word than you might think. The other...

Majid gave me a brief dazzling golden stare and then half-lidded his eyes again. I know when my life is being threatened.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls, when they’re itchy!) I recently got him declawed, which sucked for him, but...

I do not like you.

I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I’m under the table,after four I’m under my host.

There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son mighthave fallen—or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has...

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

We’re like America’s little pit bull. They beat it, starve it, mistreat it, and once in a while they let it out to attack somebody.

What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

Hush Hattie!” I said, intoxicated with my success. “I don’t want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan’t marry the prince.” I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and...

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!

The door banged open, and Eve rushed out, flushed and mussed and still buttoning her shirt. ‘It’s not what you think,’ she said. ‘It was just—oh, okay, whatever, it was exactly what you think. Now,...

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered.”

I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was...

Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get...

I’ve got yours.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

The relationship between professional and domestic cook has similarities to a sexual encounter. One party is normally more experienced than the other; and either party should have the right, at any moment, to say, “No,...

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to...

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

Oh, for God’s sake,” I said. “Just give me the stupid thing.” I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. “GPS,” Ranger said to Morelli. “Probably I can find...

Like a lot of stupid people, it took a great deal to get an idea into the king’s head, but once there, there was no shifting it.

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

You got here in the nick of time,” Johnny said, grinning insolently at him. “I was just about to start ripping off her clothes.

Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust...

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

Yeah, I can really paint a verbal picture,” I responded dryly.

Oenone had found the chapel by accident, and was not certain what kept drawing her back to it. She was not a Christian. Few people were anymore, except in Africa, and on certain islands of...

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.