I felt the human disease that is ignorance suddenly leave my body. Just like that. Like a hot, desperate piss after a long car ride.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

I need either a small coffee or a large nap.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

If love fell in love with another word, do you think that word would smell, taste, and rhyme with it? I think so, and I think that word is jambalaya, but maybe I’m pronouncing love...

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack is more the editing part, figuring what needs to be cut.

I’m determined.” (Violet to Doc)

This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”I frowned, “What’s that?””Homework.

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the...

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.

I swear, when that woman dies, she’ll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune...

I hope this book will inspire the kitchen con-artist in you, increase fruit and veggie consumption in your family, and motivate you to become an Accidental Cook. Pass it on!

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

I drink coffee the way other men put on their pants—only after they’ve paid the hooker.

I believe you are one of the people that can lift the corners of the universe.

Back home, my favorite part of Mass was during communion, when I’d stand at the rail and hold a little gold platter under people’s chins. The pretty girls would line up for communion (I confess...

My impression of love: I found her—lucky me. I found her—unlucky her. She’d probably agree with me, which would be a first.

There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me...

I feel like, like pudding,” Iggy groaned. “Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.

I once said hello to a pack of goodbyes, but they were asleep to my coffee offering. They were running towards love, which is always running away from me.

Do you sleep naked?

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.

He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.”My God,” he said. “What happened?””I found out...

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

All Quiet on the Western Front.

Now, as a non-Amish person in the twentieth century who is not a part of the aging and thus noncoveted seventy-five-plus marketing demographic that views things like cell phones and iPads with that quaint, old-people...

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

The thing with love is, you cannot choose who you fall for. Falling in love often happens at the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong person. Just as much as you cannot...

Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

One of the Christian’s biggest fears is appearing ‘too Christian’. God forbid, because that’s often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being ‘one of them’.

The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage.

Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?’ ‘To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.’ ‘The dog did nothing in the night-time.”That was the curious incident,’ remarked...

Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.

Who wants to give me a ride to work tomorrow? My only requirement is you wear roller skates and let me strap a crate on your back like a wooden roller coaster.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

I made a Lindsey Sandwich out of two Jennifers and a Jessica. Then I ate it like I make love—alone, in the corner, with a box of tissues and lots of tears.

…quantum mechanics—the physics of our world—requires that you hold such pedestrian complaints in abeyance.

Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night.

For others, in spite of myself, from myself.