Were the stars against him? A woman’s fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.

…writing Jeeves stories gives me a great deal of pleasure and keeps me out of the public houses.

I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.

What’s that?””That’s my attack poodle.

Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want...

The only working model of socialism I have ever seen is in an elementary school classroom.

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I’m definitely not religious, and I’m very tired of the preachiness and obsession with...

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘… Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or maybe three smiles and a frown, shared between two parents, their child, and...

Well, in that case, your magic isn’t working. I’m still an asshole.

Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

Just about a month from now I’m set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.

On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

As much as I hate to interrupt the supreme satisfaction you’re taking in watching the mansion blaze to the ground, I’d reallylike to get out of here before the whole house collapses on top of...

Hey, would you look at that shit?”I turned on my heel. The patrons who’d fled at the first hint of trouble had come back and were enjoying the spectacle.”Clear out!” I barked.They paid me no...

Gideon laughed. “I like to be direct.””Okay,” I said. “But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages.” “I doubt it.””Human interaction is not my strong point,” I told...

Here, by the grace of God and an inside straight, we have a personality untouched by the psychotic taboos of our tribe – and you want to turn him into a carbon copy of every...

You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for businessThat’s why they’re called business socksIt’s business, it’s business time

If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

Freedom was a foot away when they turned back to me. The one who kept speaking, a tall vamp with a handsome curly-haired glamour, shook his head. “Sorry.” He bared his fangs in an apologetic...

It is possible to be in two dreams at once. If I dream about you, and you are asleep at the time, you are in both your dreams, and mine. Still, you’re not really in...

Well, I usually can’t, but neither the book nor the conversation is particularly intellectually challenging.

Secondly, I don’t see you as human, let alone a man. You are more like a homicidal invention, of my hormonal teenage nightmare; which I can’t seem to be able to awake from.

The spells are made up. I have met people who assure me, very seriously, that they are trying to do them, and I can assure them, just as seriously, that they don’t work.

U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation’s continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives,...

What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”-Venom and Elena

No. In the morning. Don’t let that damnsunlight fool you. It lies.

Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you’re going on a date.

The question why I don’t shake hand with someone,A reason is Behind;Scumbags call it Attitude but they really don’t know its actually the antimatter Waqas is composed of.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

Gay ships are yay ships!

My eyes!

I had a dream about you. We spoke as though we shared one mind. And we did, though you got to use the brain on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while I got it the other...

A dirty and mean sense of humor first thing in the morning. I may learn to like you yet.

Terence: As my old da used to tell me, ‘never trust a rich man’.David: Good thing I’m only moderately rich.Terence: Which is why I only moderately distrust you.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

She’d met Colin on a Monday.She’d kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the...

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

I’ve always felt I deserved a wider audience, so thank you for reading this.