It’s a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there’s no two ways about it.

So what if that one resident is shy? Do shy people not count as citizens? Do introverts not pay taxes?” You tried to claim that you were talking about population size and classifications on categories—nomenclature,...

Your romantic effusions leave me breathless.

The reason I rob nursing homes is because the residents in nurseries don’t have any wealth yet to steal. How can I steal from babies? What do you think I am, a Central Banker?

I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.

I spent hours yesterday talking of little but medical symptoms and insane asylums. And you listened as though it were poetry and all but swooned at my feet. It is too bad I don’t have...

My ‘people skills’ are ‘rusty.’ Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I’d rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?

Bah-Bah-black sheep, have you any soul?No sir, by the way, what the hell are morals?

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold more of it, but nobody really liked your product. Plus, the people who...

Babe!

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent with our kind of life. But essentially the same laws and constants are...

My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.

An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful,...

As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers.””As a girl, I am compelled to protect what’s left of my manicure,” Petra said.

Would a boring machine drill holes—or put you to sleep? I make love like a robot, so maybe I do both.

I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But...

Conflict of interest. I wanted to date somebody who was less screwed up than me, and she wasn’t.

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning…look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

If I were being honest with myself, he lit a blaze, not just a blush, but that’s too much reality for me to admit.

Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.’Ah, well, I’m not sure I believe that.

I am illiterate. Just not in English.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

He’s my father, whoever he is, so he must have had sex with my mother at least once, and I’d love to kill him for that.

Man is an endangered species.

She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

I could not be a zombie. They had no thoughts. Their brains were gruel. They said little beyond “Brrr!” unable, even, to articulate completely what they sought.”Brains,”I said distinctly. “And I feel no burning urge...

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn’t read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.

I can pull over,” he answers smartly.

My lips touched hers, like two butterflies in the wind. Then I went home, cut off my eyelids, and I’ve been living in darkness since.

Would you like me to install one of those child playground slides for you?

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake...

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

Anyone who thinks impressions of old movie actors is funny absolutely cannot be trusted. I think it’s like a law of nature.

The Proclaimers thunder through my head.Imagine it.Imagine killing someone to the tune of two Scottish nerds wearing glasses and flattop haircuts. How will I ever listen to that song again? What will I do if...

I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the...

I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration...

Enjoy life, even in the most chaotic, hectic moments. Take time to breathe. Take time to consider what is important versus what is rubbish. Those are the times where slowing down is healthiest. Those are...

Consider, if you will, the morning boner. What a metaphor of hope and renewal! How can anyone give way to despair when one’s groin greets each day with such a gala spectacle of physical optimism?

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?