Well that came out horribly wrong!

You don’t buy all the clothes in the market. You choose slowly and carefully, asking the prices for each before buying. The same way you choose your friends, by looking into their lives carefully, before...

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

Fortunately, we did most of our athletic stuff inside, so we didn’t have to jog through Tribeca looking like a bunch of boot-camp hippie children.

Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them.

Or maybe nobody can fill that special place in her heart because I was nobody. And the only thing that fills a hole is a hole. And dirt.

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

Agatha had a face like an avocado, and a voice like guacamole. I know because I eat lime scented (and flavored) tortilla chips all the time (except at 4:44).

I know what ails you.

On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,and I have nothing else to do,I sometimes wonder if it’s true That who is what and what is who.” – Winnie-the-Pooh

How would you feel about sharing your bed?” she asked. Tristan blinked. “Excuse me?” “He’d love to!” Gary said. Tristan shot him a look, “Good,” said Ivy, failing to notice Gary’s wink. “Ella can be...

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.

I had a dream about you. You tried to stab me with the pointy end of a football, and I tried to stab you with an extra point. I wasn’t successful, so I took my...

To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe… but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

*marissa tries to get her single, working mother’s attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*’You’re a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.

I stabbed her with the time. It was 8:00 sharp. Right through the heart, my love is punctual and pointy.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

I think I’ll help myself to seconds.

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: ‘So You Think...

The less one knows about meat, the more one is able to enjoy it. Meat tastes wonderful, of course, but as with the lad hawking hard-to-find wares at unbelievable prices, it’s best not to ask...

uniqueness is everywhere . that’s why being similar is ‘not’ that same .

They can’t tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don’t have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway...

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

The bonds of friendship dwindle with age, Oliver. But a little blackmail lasts forever.

The scientist believes in proof without certainty, the bigot in certainty without proof.

I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.

Les gens bien portants sont des malades qui s’ignorent.

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

It has been my experience that, even when a man has a sense of humor, it only really carries him to the point where he will join in a laugh at the expense of the...

Your husband may not be a wealth of pregnancy information, but he is a wealth of ‘you’ information. He probably knows you better than anyone else in this world (which means he understands your current...

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don’t want to be friends. – Raven from Blood of Prey

Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.

What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they’re honest about everything.

Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

Fate was a bitch, but she always had a wicked sense of humor. Today, he was her punch line. Tomorrow, she’d be laughing at them.-Darling’s thoughts

Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.”Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.

The Tanakee are thought to possess strange, almost supernatural powers.Their eyes are described as large and hypnotic.” From Tribe of the Teddy Bear

If I ever form a clan, we’ll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

Initially, I’m one E short of being a JOKE. Midgets are also short.