… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

My writing looks like it’s ten steps behind my mind, and racing to always catch up.

A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick.

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there’s someone else to do the housework.

Don’t try. Just do it.

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often...

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you’ve...

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that,...

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

It’s my experience that you first feel the impulse to write in your chest. It’s like falling in love, only more so. It feels like something criminal. It feels like unspeakably wild sex. So, think:...

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If...

Last week my boss told me to rewrite a twenty-page proposal on engagement benchmarking. I turned it in and he wrote a note on the cover that just said, “No, no. Not this.” I had...

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

The paradise in women is not the v-shape manipulation between their legs, or the two lovely bombs, set on their bosom that can blast any strong, holy spirit filled individual, but that part of her...

In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn’t hear the question.

Is this bitch crazy? I don’t want to ‘accidentally’ drown

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: ‘Who’s the third?

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is...

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things. In my book that makes me a better lover, because I wrote it....

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.

Mind you, I’m a fine one to talke. I mean, I killed myself and just look at me now: I’m a qualified pilot, I can escape from a cockpit in five metres of water and...

I am very much out of my element here. There are moments, listening to the conversations going on around me, when I feel I am going to lose my mind. Earlier today, I heard someone...

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come’Lincolnesque’ just means tall?

I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn’t get any better than this.”You have low standards,’ Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. ‘If I had two hot girls in my...

Vampires have credit cards?””We’re undead, not Amish.

Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

Wit and puns aren’t just decor in the mind; they’re essential signs that the mind knows it’s on, recognizes its own software, can spot the bugs in its own program.

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Don’t even think about it.””Well, when can I walk by myself?””When you get your driver’s license.””You always, always say that.” Dillie scowled at him. “That’s when everything happens.””It’s going to be a busy day,” Phin...

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They’re so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner?

It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily.”So it is.””And freezing.””Is it?””Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases… I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. ‘She has a servant’s heart,’ I thought.

What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them...