I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

Hooray! I finally finished making a new book cover. Now I just need to write the book. The cover is the image of a man hanging, so perhaps I’ll write a romance novel.

How well I know you by your deeds and how invariably you succeed in living down to what one expects of you!

I don’t have any babies or ambition. I have it all!

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.

You have a faculty for defining the simplest in terms of the grandiose, so that a poor devil like me can’t understand it.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.

She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.

Hazel, do you enjoy it?’ I paused a second, trying to figure out if my response should be calibrated to please Augustus or his parents. ‘Most of the people are really nice,’ I finally said.

What’s your name?’ she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a...

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

[Ranger] “How’s your mental health?” he asked. “I heard about Soder.”[Stephanie] “I’m rattled.””I have a cure.”Oh, boy.He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “And...

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.”Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.””What?””Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!””You have GOT to be...

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

The Little Drummer Boy” was playing in the background for what seemed like the third time in a row. I fought off an urge to beat that Little Drummer Boy seneless with his own drumsticks.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

A man bumps me on his busy way without so much as an apology. But that is all right. I forgive you, busy man about town with the sharp elbows. Hail and farewell to you!...

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

We laughed together. It’s so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed…

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

No sex?” He looked at me in disbelief. “Well if you can’t have ze sex, what can you do?”For the sake of simplicity I took my left arm and lined it up just under my...

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

My name might be similar, but I’d never say ‘Laters, baby.

Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I’d feel sad about it.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I don’t think we are cut out to be evil sorcerers, brothers,” said Fentongoose. “If we were truly evil, we would not feel such sorrow at the deaths of our friends. We would just go,...

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Lauren realizes right then that the prospect of being single—of recent events leading to a divorce and her being a single mother with child support checks and the like—scares her to death. Dating itself is...

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

Seaworthy.

The back door popped open, and Claire, fairy wings all a-flutter, pulled Miranda inside. It was like a military operation, only with one hundred percent less camouflage.

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences.

People have told me ‘Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends…’.. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board

You’re a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn’t inexhaustable.

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.