At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people’s home wasn’t one of them. Usually boys of...

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

Wizard Howl,” said Wizard Suliman. “I must apologize for trying to bite you so often. In the normal way, I wouldn’t dream of setting teeth in a fellow countryman.

Greed (as Ling): You humans always get all “holier-than-thou” when it comes to this stuff… I really don’t get you.Edward: It’s called having integrity. You should try it sometime

Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck.

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I’d look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn’t I?...

Slender Youth. A tour companion who may be either a lost prince or a girl/princess in disguise. In the latter case it is tactful to pretend you think she is a boy. She/he will be...

Instead of a gun in my holster, I hold cheesy nachos there, for dangerous snacking. Instead of a horse, this cowboy rides a couch.

Llarimar had told him to do his best. That sounded like an awful lot of work. Unfortunately, doing nothing was beginning to seem like even MORE work.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

An inch of enchilada, as good as it is, is not even worth a centimeter of love. My feelings for you are hot, so you may need some sour cream.

Bad kitty!” he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. “Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you...

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

We made love like two sand dollars in a vending machine. She said she wanted marriage and kids, and I said all I wanted was a soda.

I may not look like much, but I’m an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code...

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

His name is Tyson? I hate to break it to you, but you dated a brand of chicken.

Inconceivable!””You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

Then came the Christmas party. That was December 24th. There were to be drinks, food, music, dancing. I didn’t like parties. I didn’t know how to dance and people frightened me, especially people at parties....

I was going to say he’s aimless,” the witch replied. “I know he’s a bit old to be old to living at home with his mom, but he’s had a difficult time holding a job....

I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.

What do you think dignity’s all about?’The directness of the inquiry did, I admit, take me rather by surprise. ‘It’s rather a hard thing to explain in a few words, sir,’ I said. ‘But I...

Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.

I’m seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn’t going to work. You won’t even admit I exist to your parents.” Alec stared at him. “I thought you were three hundred! You’re seven...

Neden adam onun kalbini yemiş?-Çünkü bazı erkekler canavardır.-Kadın neden onu seviyor?-Çünkü bazı kadınlar canavarlardan hoşlanır.-Ben de mi?-Bilmem. Sen de mi?-Ben normal canavarlardan hoşlanacağım-Büyük konuşma, seni de göreceğim.

My hotel room has a great view. The view is right in front of the TV.

What happened?” Bailey asks.”That is somewhat difficult to explain,” Tsukiko answers. “It is a long and complicated story.””And you’re not going to tell me, are you?”She tilts her head a bit … “No, I am...

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

Your vote doesn’t count. All that counts is who counts the votes.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable...

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What’s up?

You have a very open relationship with your fans.””Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:’I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to...

hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing.

Fireworks are flowers in the garden sky. My love is like New Year’s Eve, only less predictable and more daily.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones.

Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it...

Sorry,” she said. “I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from keeping thoughts inside my head where they belong.