The minute you stop caring about your business, is the same minute your business stops caring about you.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

Claude rubs the back of his neck and wrinkles his nose, about to tell me he was never sad. I believe this is called bravado and is not limited to lawyers, or even men, although...

Haven’t you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?””Only from ugly people,” Jace confided. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.” He winked at...

How many indecisive people does it take to change the world? Just one. And then just one, the same one, to change it back.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

There was a party of well-dressed people with Gilt, and as they progressed accoss the room the whole place began to revolve around the big man, gold being very dense and having a gravity all...

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

It’s important to have your private enjoyments because sometimes that’s all we have.

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know,” Simon was getting fed up. “Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare...

I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.

I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.

Enjoy every second—even if at first you only win second. Keep competing until all your competition has died of old age and you are the winner by default.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

Shebna scraped the tablet clean and began drawing circles in the soft clay. “Suppose you had six figs and you ate two. How many would–“”Four.” Hezekiah answered before Shebna finished, and the tutor’s thick black...

Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. “How much of that did you hear?””Enough to gather that we’re going to a...

If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I’d reply, “Why thank you. I think I will!

Id me didn’t have to be concerned with long-term consequences. He was my instinctive, primitive self, driven by my most primal impulses. I wondered, briefly, if ‘id’ and ‘idiot’ came from the same root.

I just designed the world’s most inefficient no. It’s modeled after a downward sloping maybe.

Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin’s bay and end in Procter and Gamble’s factory, Staten Island.

Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.

Todos los esfuerzos–que no son pocos–hechos por el gobierno, en materia educativa, se diluyen en el mar de porquería de los medios de comunicación monopolizados por la iniciativa privada.

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA’s website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA...

Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like a dual vagina. At least not for the two-for-one price. That price only...

Women never bought Freud’s idea of penis envy: who would want a shotgun when you can have an automatic?

It seems that the four of us just can’t function without a strong, focused woman telling us what to do.

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I’ll be first in line.

I had found by experience that putting things down on paper helped to clear the mind in precisely the same way, as Mrs. Mullet had taught me, that an eggshell clarifies the consommé or the...

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity.

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I’d seen. Then I’d lived...

I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

Most creatures run when they sense danger. People grab a six-pack and a folding chair.

Are you her boyfriend?”…No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.

With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.-Jack Nicholson

Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can’t get safer than safe.

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

Let’s see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

He seemed only … annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. “Yeah, well,” he said, “the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn’t really exist, leave...

When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.

A friend once told me that the real message Bram Stoker sought to convey in ‘Dracula’ is that a human being needs to live hundreds and hundreds of years to get all his reading done;...

A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven’t heard it because I’m deaf to...

The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight.

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You’ll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

Should I take off my helmet before I make love? I’d better not, because my bicycle’s breaks are worn out.

Sure, there is an undeniable pleasure in rooting for a winning team and in being able to look down on opposing fans with equal measures of superiority and disdain. But that’s also the Ruthian drawback...