Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

Transform yourself from desperate doormat to outspoken doormat-wielding proctologist.

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

…cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off–damn ankle straps!–or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not...

Ignorance is bliss, except when it hurts

I wear my cat like a purring fur coat. Love is such a warm feeling, no?

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

It was certainly not this mummified and outrageously painted old woman he was seeing before him, but the entire “female species,” as it was his custom to call women. The individual disappeared, the features were...

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones....

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I’ll buy you a pony.

No one believes a liar. Even when she’s telling the truth.

I told her to wait for me. She asked how long. I told her eight inches.

The spell…curled around…like smoke before settling in.Sophie: “Okay, do you guys feel protected?”Archer: “Yes. Also a little violated, but that’s neither here nor there.

Heaven knows where I’ll end up – it’s a safe bet I’ll never be at the top of anything! Nor do I particularly care to be.

The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.

I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn’t...

I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!

The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.

Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her.Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr,” I said.Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow–I don’t know if it was something in his...

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y’know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to...

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, ‘JUST TELL...

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

She wished she had a set of greeting cards at the ready, but Hallmark probably didn’t make any that said Thank you for giving up your life so that me and my friends could escape!...

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.””Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.

Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

Not long ago, I advertised for perverse rules of grammar, along the lines of “Remember to never split an infinitive” and “The passive voice should never be used.” The notion of making a mistake while...

I don’t want you to do anything.-Well then I won’t do anything. -Thank you. -Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.

Darlin, you don’t even know how to pleasure yourself.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

She’s a whore. She won’t sleep with me!

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.

Hello little one. Did you know you’re on private property?””Really? I had no idea.” Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. “The ten foot fence right behind you didn’t give it away?

I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.

I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe....