Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.

If the government really wanted to stimulate the economy, it should distribute Viagra and coffee.

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.

I always thought it was Mo Be Dick. I know Mo, and he is a dick.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. This isn’t correct. Revenge is a dish best served lukewarm or at room temperature (depending on the room) with a side of sauerkraut lightly sprinkled with...

Vampires do breathe, by the way, but their chests don’t move like humans’. Have you ever lain in the arms of your sweetheart and tried to match your breathing to his, or hers? You do...

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

I don’t have any babies or ambition. I have it all!

It is important to correct bad behavior one toe at a time.

THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept...

Fish and visitors stink after three days.

You have a faculty for defining the simplest in terms of the grandiose, so that a poor devil like me can’t understand it.

It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or designer, but she is a buyer—not for a retail outlet, but for her...

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world….Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about,...

Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.

I was thinking…””We know,” Pedro said, “It was like sitting next to a pressure cooker

In Life, you need to know the difference between what you think is right and what you know is right.

Hazel, do you enjoy it?’ I paused a second, trying to figure out if my response should be calibrated to please Augustus or his parents. ‘Most of the people are really nice,’ I finally said.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.

Women love a man in uniform. You should see them drool when I dress up in my Girl Scout outfit.

You kids were all planned, you were just planned really, really quickly.

Oliver laughed – actually laughed.”I like this new Claire,” he said. “You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She’s interesting when she’s forthright.”Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the...

[Ranger] “How’s your mental health?” he asked. “I heard about Soder.”[Stephanie] “I’m rattled.””I have a cure.”Oh, boy.He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “And...

I am the who in whodunnit. But I am not the dunnit.

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

A man bumps me on his busy way without so much as an apology. But that is all right. I forgive you, busy man about town with the sharp elbows. Hail and farewell to you!...

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?

Better broke than dead.

We laughed together. It’s so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed…

The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.

If somebody were to ask me what it means to me to be American, I’d respond, “It’s like eating scrambled eggplant with a dozen 1969 moons sunny side up at noon.” If they asked me...

My name might be similar, but I’d never say ‘Laters, baby.

Love is an intense flickable mystery, like a booger.

You look lousy,’ he said. Jace blinked. ‘Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.”No I mean it. You don’t look good.”This is...

…ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after, but girls can take care of themselves.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.

Hi honey, I’m home! Take your pants off!” Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.

Lauren realizes right then that the prospect of being single—of recent events leading to a divorce and her being a single mother with child support checks and the like—scares her to death. Dating itself is...

I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off...

He still wasn’t looking at me, which meant I was still in trouble. I swear, sometimes this partnership is like being married. We fight all the time and neither one of us is getting married.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.

I’ll be sure not to let anyone but you carry me in her arms.” He turns and leaves the kitchen before I can figure out what to make of his comment. A sense of humor...