When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had a good time. We laughed a lot. At least I think we laughed...

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

No, Lucius is harmless,’ I fibbed. If you don’t count the fact that he thinks he’s a warrior prince representing a semi-cannibalistic race of undead bat people.

There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately,...

We Do.” My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don’t have to.

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.

Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. “He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not.” Ramone Ramone,...

Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue, the last thing I want is more chasing. Let’s cut to the caught.

Who would you rather make love to—me, or the dead carcass of a deer? Don’t deliver a hasty answer. Think it over.

Heads swivel. Whispers erupt. As Kalist returns to his desk, bone cane by his side, he indulges, briefly, in horse practice, neighing lightly as he scrolls through a few mental images of busty secretary, Geiger,...

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

I had a dream about you. I was a small business owner, and you were also a small business owner. The difference was I was a sole proprietor, and you were a midget.

Everyone says it’s wrong, ‘drinking and driving’, don’t they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than ‘drinking and driving’: 1. ‘drinking’; 2. ‘driving’.Do you know how many people were killed...

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]”Don’t they teach you anything in your schools?””Not about this.””Pity. I suppose that’s what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

Sometimes am so worried,i complain to God that He’s not been listening to my prayers,and then my son comes and says,”hey dad,why are you not mom?”ilook at him and say,God.you’ve already answered my prayers with...

Why are there so many people out here?’ Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.’Christmas shopping.’ I explained.’Already? Isn’t it early to returning things?’I really had no sense of how his mind worked.

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. “How does he always get food stuck to him?” I asked Morelli. “I don’t know,” Morelli said. “It’s a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out...

Kind of is, actually.

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra...

So much for the bimbo alert; if she read books like that, then there was a light on upstairs, above the splendid front porch.

…I think we should find some kind of shelter; a cave or something.””I don’t want to do that! What if there’s like, a creature living in the cave?” Tiara said. “Seriously, I saw this show...

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

Dear Mrs. Black: On seven prior occasions this company has denied your claim in writing. We now deny it for the eighth and final time. You must be stupid, stupid stupid, stupid!

A las personas mayores de 40 años no deberían permitirles tener novias o novios. Deberían tener amigos, nada mas.

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.

Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth.

You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.

The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have...

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Women divided by ego and united by gossip ,Men divided by women and united by beer

I started a Thank You Club. You’re welcome.

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

How sick are you? Holy crap. Are you dying or something? Is that why you’re going ona retreat and eating only lettuce?

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

I’ll be sure not to let anyone but you carry me in her arms.” He turns and leaves the kitchen before I can figure out what to make of his comment. A sense of humor...

When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb’s so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.

It’s not easy remembering the good times.

Mary-Lynnette: “You have not read ‘Pride and Prejudice’.”Ash: “Why not?”Mary-Lynnette: “Because Jane Austen was a human.”Ash: “How do you know?”Mary-Lynnette: “Well Jane Austen was a woman, and you’re a chauvinist pig.”Ash: “Yes, well, that I...

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

Ivan gabbled something in Shu that I didn’t understand. The giant just laughed.”You speak Shu like a tourist,” he said.

You’ll need to do a better job, Annabelle. No more dates like the first one tonight.””Agreed. And no more making me sit through your Power Matches introductions, either. As you so wisely pointed out, helping...

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?