If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.

Hap sighed. If he could change one thing about Umber-besides his constant need for the thrill of exploration-it would be his obsession with secrets and surprises.

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts...

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

My tears are salty. I shouldn’t eat potato chips while drinking my Cry Water, because it only makes me thirstier for your love.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

It’s kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

Nothing spices up one’s sex life like having a partner.

She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.

Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly.

Crazy is relative.

Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.

I’ve been sendin’ you twits for the last hour.

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, “Don’t even think about it.” A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons...

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?” the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. “Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

Just because your plate is empty, doesn’t mean your stomach is full. Same with love. Where’s the Romance Buffet?

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil’s advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

The place where the story happened was a world on the back of four elephants perched on the shell of a giant turtle. That’s the advantage of space. It’s big enough to hold practically anything,...

Maybe is the lovechild of No and Yes. We should make love. I’ll be the No, you’ll be the Yes, and maybe I won’t call the cops but will call you again sometime.

I really don’t know what to think, Mr Holmes,’ Lestrade muttered. ‘Well, that’s nothing new.

Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ – one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn’t a woman alive who could go from point...

What you see is what you see

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit. I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I’d never make it. He leaned in close and...

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

I make things with my hands. Hands are made to make things, and hands are made to hold. With my hand I hold my other hand when I get lonely.

I was young once and slender and pretty and I made the most of it. It’s somebody else’s turn now.

I suppose he’s a bit young,” he said.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.

Man, you weigh a freaking ton,” he told me. “What’ve you been eating, rocks?” “Why, is your head missing some?” I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that’s when I knew how...

When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn’t feel so terrible.This is...

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

Don’t blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there’s this new club called civilization and you guys should join.

The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species.

Taking into account the public’s regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to me.

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

Snug pants, bandeau-type corset, and trim, motorcycle jacket. It was a fabulous outfit, but it was so urban-fantasy book cover

Basing your identity on sexuality is like building a house on a foundation of pudding. – D. Travers Scott

Don’t make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It’s not civilized.

I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.” – Greg Heffley,

I speak the language of love. I just have no idea what it means.

I’ve got two neptunes here,” said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, “that can’t be right, can it?””Aaaaah,” said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney’s mystical whisper, “when two neptunes appear in...

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

Politicians give criminals a bad name. A bad name like a bad word like shit.