I hope I don’t run into the future today, knock on would.

I’m telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.”I would,’ I said, ‘but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I’d even settle for a demigod....

Gallows humor is part of having a doctor in the house. Deal with it.

My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.

Pearl JAM! Pearl JAM! Now this is rock and roll! Jeremy’s SPO-ken! But he’s still al-LIIIIIVE!

I’m Kieran. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room,

Douglas’s fridge was a stainless-steel masterpiece. I’m not that into appliances or anything, but this one was nice and probably cost more than my last apartment. I had the strange desire to hug it every...

it was Greenspan who through some excessive deregulation prepared the monetary ground for the rise of the subprime mortgage companies: a lending market that specialises in high-risk mortgages and loans.’Innovation’, said Greenspan in April 2005,...

I always wear an oven mitt when I go in for a handshake, because I like to give visual hints about what kind of lover I’d make. I don’t use a cup to drink coffee—I...

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their...

At least wait until you’re alone before you kiss her, if you please! Remember, her family is watching you, and we haven’t had our dinner yet!

I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

Does it not occur to people that I might be artificial by nature?

For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my computer screen.

As my mom used to say,”If wishes were horses, we’d be up to our eyeballs in shit.

… Besides it’s better to have Miyoshi around. You and me have a been together since Jr. High. Without her around people might think we’re gay.

Give me a bouncy ball. I’ve got some ideas I want to throw at you. Put on your squeaky shoes—we’ve got work to do!

She’d been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he’d just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared.

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.

You can’t drive them around in the getaway van.’ ‘How about we don’t call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.’ ‘So what should we call it?’ ‘How about the van?’ ‘It doesn’t change...

*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

Night falls over Machu Picchu to the sound of Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

The Guide says there is an art to flying”, said Ford, “or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?

Wit is educated insolence.

And thus Charles found himself wandering around a hotel, trailing federal agents as he held a cardboard coffee cup holder in each hand, instead of out killing misbehaving werewolves.

Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!

Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.” “Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?” Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off.

I always carry around a spade, because I never know when I’ll have to dig my own grave—slowly. Give me coffee or give me death. Or sleep.

I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”, then a voice answers “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside,” Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor.

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

Don’t panic. Are you sitting? You probably don’t need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

Ow! My brains!

Liquid quotes are more drinkable. Make your writing as fluid as possible, so people can chug it in one tasty gulp.

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I’m taking a break from it tonight. I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

Her name is Faith, or that’s what I believe it to be.

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. “What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away...

I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!” said Fili. “My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is...

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

Piper’s lust was like a single bear trap in the wilderness. It was nearly impossible to find if you were looking for it, but it was something you wanted to be prepared for if you...