i’m only an independent woman when there’s nothing heavy to carry

Those guards are going to be all sorts of pissed when they find out they’ve been following a bunny rabbit.

I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.

Just because it makes no sense doesn’t mean it’s not good advice.

It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at...

The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.

A sofa on an elevator would be like a slow roller coaster where you get to work on your small talk skills. Oh yes, I am an adrenaline junky.

Never before have the tools of value creation been so great and the potential artisans so busy watching the Kardashians.

It’s my turn to see you through,’ she whispers, coming back to me and wrapping me in her blanket as I lose my shit all over again. She holds me until I recover my Y...

Popularity’s a weird thing. You can’t really define it, and it’s not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.

This cave is so dark I can’t see any of you in your ninja outfits.” “Sorry.” the boys said and they peeled off their outfits and left them in a pile. The boys left Mollie’s...

Wizard Howl,” said Wizard Suliman. “I must apologize for trying to bite you so often. In the normal way, I wouldn’t dream of setting teeth in a fellow countryman.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term ‘entrepreneur’ but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”[Mark Twain, a Biography]

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

Slender Youth. A tour companion who may be either a lost prince or a girl/princess in disguise. In the latter case it is tactful to pretend you think she is a boy. She/he will be...

Today someone asked me if that old stereotype about hot-headed Italians is true. I answered this way: About 2,000 years ago, there was a guy running around hollering about peace & love … and we...

An inch of enchilada, as good as it is, is not even worth a centimeter of love. My feelings for you are hot, so you may need some sour cream.

Oh my!! How you’ve grown. Soon you’ll be catching the Lord’s balls.

A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they have to overcome if they are going to achieve their goals.

We made love like two sand dollars in a vending machine. She said she wanted marriage and kids, and I said all I wanted was a soda.

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I often talk about unconditional love towards others. But the truth is I have always looked for favorable conditions when it comes to self-love and happiness. Now that is what you call a true confession!

reading”.

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.

She needs you, Dad,” Julia says. “She has unfinished business in this world.””What is the matter with you?” Charlie asks his daughter. “Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I’m...

I’m a fool.At least i’m a self aware fool.

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.

Can you surf really well, then?”I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.”Jeez, Nico,” I said. “I’ve never really tried.”He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since...

Humor (is) the process that allows one to brush reality aside when it gets too distressing.

My hotel room has a great view. The view is right in front of the TV.

I’ve changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I’m keeping this on file.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

Your vote doesn’t count. All that counts is who counts the votes.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

It would be, like all of Pammy’s parties, hot and crowded and filled with impossibly glamorous people with hip bones so sharp they could qualify as concealed weapons.

Neighbours complaining about someone’s dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn’t been much left of...

Fireworks are flowers in the garden sky. My love is like New Year’s Eve, only less predictable and more daily.

He who thinks he’s the best is not the best… And the one who thinks “he who thinks he’s the best is not the best” is also not the best.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?