I was going to say.”— Krysta and Étienne

I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

The dead know everything but they don’t give a damn.

The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.

Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.

It’s the bane of my existence.”- Beth and Jake

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling...

So this is what men are like. Well, that’s it, then – I am going to be a lesbian.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.

We shouldn’t judge people. But there’s a difference between judging and observing. And sometimes as we observe, our eyebrows become raised. Observation with an attitude, that’s what I like to call it.

You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

On the porch were the still-smoking remains of long-stemmed roses, evidence that someone angry and passive-aggressive didn’t know Peter was out of town.

I don’t know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his...

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not good.

As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.

Sometimes I hate him. When he does the dishes, he shakes off each one before setting it in the drying rack. Water flies everywhere. A couple of drops always hit me in the face. I...

Clouds are high flying Fog

…O-suzu left whatever work she was doing at her sewing machine and dragged Takeo back to O-yoshi and her son.How dare you behave so selfishly! Now tell O-yoshi-san that you are sorry. Get down on...

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

Love makes sense to me in the same way that this statement might make sense to you: Parakeets flock like sheep flock like wool covers your eyes like a bald kidnap victim willingly locked in...

Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.

When you stick a song on a tape, you set it free.

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

My life is like a Kevin Smith movie.””Zany and unpredictable?””Mildly humorous but ultimately not worth the effort of paying for a ticket.

So you’re the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

Knowledge is ignorance. I know so much that I know I know so little. I used to think your name was a synonym for love, but now I just don’t know.

Happy endings. *Groan*

Consider this a fair warning.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

I’m too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

You use magic to start the fire.

I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who loves losers?

I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I wouldn’t be rebellious anymore. Did you hear what I heard? Because I heard...

Baumauer secretly fears Kalist – and Kalist knows it.

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with...

I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don’t understand explain things you can’t understand.

[Hades] returned his attention to the playlist while I eased the car back on the road. His fingers flipped deftly over the screen. ‘Orpheus…Dusk…Orpheus…Dusk…do you have anything on here that doesn’t make people want to...

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed...

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones arrive.