I’m a lion in a strange land.

Growing up in a home of abuse, you struggle with the notion that you can love a person you hate, or hate a person you love. It’s a strange feeling.

Souls and memories can do strange things during trance.

You say freak, I say unique.

People’s lives take them strange places. They do strange things, and… well, sometimes they can’t talk about them.

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

R u in?”

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac.

A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got...

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

I have one, but what I would consider ‘normal’ is different from what most would agree with,” he shrugs.

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

I want to be loved, but first, I want to love. I’ll love you and we’ll both feel good, and if you love me too that’d be great, but not entirely necessary.

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

Feed me, you moron.

His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

The truth was stranger than the official fiction.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

My scary strange English shall only be counted as my English problem.

It’s a strange thing, to be talked about instead of talked to.

When you get lost in a really strange place, nothing is more comforting than found your friend whom you trust and can show the way.

Nixon’s deep antipathy toward Jews is well known, and he took a strange satisfaction in having Kissinger in his inner circle, where he could periodically taunt him.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

A brick could be used as a pettable non-furry and non-meowing cat.

A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I kept telling them, I didn’t steal a person—I kidnapped a mannequin. Is that...

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

A brick could be used to deny you your dreams. And a blanket could be used as a gateway to all your dreams.

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.