I’m a lion in a strange land.

Growing up in a home of abuse, you struggle with the notion that you can love a person you hate, or hate a person you love. It’s a strange feeling.

Souls and memories can do strange things during trance.

You say freak, I say unique.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

Her movements were so stealthy that she seemed to be an invisible creature. Frightened by her strange nature, her mother had hung a cowbell around the girl’s wrist so she would not lose track of...

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

Weird how I can feel so frail and tiny sometimes, and other times so brave and bold and reckless and free, and . . . Does everybody feel the same? When people get grown-up, do...

I don’t know what it is about me. I don’t know if there’s something strange… but I continue to play aliens, so there’s obviously something there.

If you see a strange thing, try to understand it! If you can understand it, nothing strange will remain!

Hey, Ms. P,” Tad called, “what’s going on?”She let out a slow breath before she answered. “You won’t believe this… Brian Murrey tried to eat Scott Morgan.”Nick’s eyes widened at the unexpected explanation. Had he...

When I’m directing, I’m pretty much not writing, but when I’m not directing I am writing a lot. It’s strange: people have asked me what my schedule is and what is my process like, and...

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

Caveat Emptor.”

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris’ karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren’t making love in it.

For me, I really love ‘Tim and Eric’ and ‘Dr. Steve Brule’ and a lot of the Adult Swim shows, so I like strange, weird, sometimes slightly upsetting humor.

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.

Love is an intense flickable mystery, like a booger.

I love favors, because a favor is, instead of me doing something or paying you anything, why don’t you do it for me for free?

He’s not my son, but his last name is Myson. Same spelling, big difference.

A brick could be used to sell tickets to a new sport called Glurping. If you think it sounds disgusting now, wait until you see it live!

A blanket could be used for a soft opening of a new casino. The softer the better, I always say. Well, I don’t always say that. I say other stuff too.

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

We are the other of the other

He was like a jalapeño, bright and smooth, but dangerously hot. A small part of me wanted to bite him.

Srinivasa Ramanujan was the strangest man in all of mathematics, probably in the entire history of science. He has been compared to a bursting supernova, illuminating the darkest, most profound corners of mathematics, before being...

So come Cinderella, let me take you to the ball again. Perhaps you will see more than I did, or perhaps you will begin to understand how difficult it is to understand. Truth is never...

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.