It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.

All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant’s revolving door.

That’s rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would’ve thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander)

I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!

Anyone can spin a victory, it’s a total loss that demands creativity

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him. “God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.”He laughed. “That’s something the vampire...

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You’re incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou’re a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

Live in the present. Don’t think about things that aren’t happening. Definitely don’t think about eating cheeseburgers when you’re not eating cheeseburgers. First of all, it’s not happening. Second of all, it’ll just make you...

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of...

On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you’ll make us jobless for good.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

Please don’t die.

It’s me,” a deep voice rumbled.The hands released me and I turned. There stood Derek, all six foot of him. Maybe it was just the thrill of seeing him, but he looked better than I...

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.

GUYS! Would you give it a rest?” Kevin shouted at them, “You’re standing there feeding off each other! Dad – you’re trying to prove to Ted why me and Dani are a Bad Thing –...

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

I’d seriously contemplated a real collar – a sparkly green one – if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.

RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very...

When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that’s because I don’t eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend...

I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket.

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

I don’t know what I’d do without you. There’s no one else to look after me. And it’s not just that. I sometimes think you’re the only person who really knows me. I only feel...

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

From Olsen’s Nation: “Through the power of our diplomacy, a world that was once divided about how to deal with Iran’s nuclear program now stands as one. Standing as one, the world now sincerely regrets...

Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.

I didn’t feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

Nearly everywhere I’ve been, popular wisdom has it that the location of humanity’s original planet is unknown, mysterious. In fact it isn’t, as anyone who troubles to read on the subject will discover, but it...

A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still,...

I’d rather be weird than ordinary. Ordinary is so boring.

Never get old. It’s a ridiculously uncomfortable process Ath Creator should be made to find a cure for.

I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin, and I wiped my mouth with it after I was done.

Fine! I’ll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I’m in my pj’s””I’m a guy. That’s like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.

I have no regrets. Just original grets.