It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I’m right.

O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the...

It’s not hard to fail…it’s hard to accept you failed…but once that’s out of the way, it’s pretty smooth sailing

What I’m expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.

If you talk bad about country music, it’s like saying bad things about my momma. Them’s fightin’ words

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

Why can’t I go to Idris with you, then?Because it’s not safe for you thereO and it’s safe for me here? I’ve been nearly killed almost a dozen times in the past month.That’s because Valentine...

Rock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rock–paper–scissors.

The truth is that circumstances had done much to cultivate in Mrs. Tristram a marked tendency to irony. Her taste on many points differed from that of her husband, and though she made frequent concessions...

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

It wasn’t because you weren’t beautiful, talented, funny, creative or had everything in common. It was because some men prefer plain vanilla ice cream. It’s predictable and a safe choice. Confident and adventurous men prefer...

He wanted more, as did I, but we still had a ways to go. I wasn’t a tease and my demands seemed pretty reasonable: always be honest and try not to eat me. ~ Sam,...

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

A man’s mind is like his car. If it gets to knocking too much, he’d better have it overhauled or change it.

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard

I don’t know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers. They spend all day thinking of the perfect plot on how to kill...

Half man, half tree, I have patience—and leaves. Forest fires make me sweat. Let’s go for a walk. You’ll have to push me in a wheelbarrow.

They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don’t know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You...

[Jem] looked from Will to Tessa and raised his silvery eyebrows. “A miracle,” he said. “You got him to speak.””Just to shout at me, really,” said Tessa. “Not quite loaves and fishes.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow? Trying your good plan tomorrow is the perfect plan today.

Follow the ideal doing,grind the beans just before brewing.Use spring water,for softened water,makes a horror.A parley perfect,between the coffee,and the milk,with some,brown sugar thick.” (Poem: An apology of a coffee lunatic, Book: Ginger and Honey)

This is so cool,” I said loudly as Dad walked away. “Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?” “He’s a she,” Mom said. “Is she hot? Cause I’m still young, you know. My...

One popular saying was, “The boy who goes into medicine is too lazy for farm or shop, too stupid for the Bar, and too immoral for the pulpit.

Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.

A drunk can’t follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.

Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

Your boy here-” Ware jerked his head in angry indication “can’t explain himself worth a damn.”That;s hardly news to me. Nonethelss,” Gareth said, “I can’t allow you to kill him. His death would be a...

This is what it’s all been about with you,” he said in an even tone. “All the fear, allthe running. The nightmares.” When she nodded, he said, “You called him the devil.””He is.” What are...

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.

Leak not the secret, lest the secret leak you.

I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden...

I am overweight. But to me, it’s fat. I don’t have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. When I look in the mirror I don’t plunge into a depression and stick my finger down my throat or carve...

He had a prince’s looks but a pirate’s eyes.

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Welcome to Hell. Here’s your accordion.

And she swung the old oar at him with all her strength.It hit with a great thwack, splintering in two, and he went over the side, into the dark, cold waters of the lake, sinking...

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

She made my heart melt, like butter. I loved her over a juicy corn on the cob.

Anyone and everyone taking a writing class knows that the secret of good writing is to cut it back, pare it down, winnow, chop, hack, prune, and trim, remove every superfluous word, compress, compress, compress…Actually,...

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”All the time.

You do have that effect on people.

If I started yesterday, I’d be a master of tomorrow.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that it is thus my own fault when these people I have been talking about finally stop saying “Ah” and tell me it’s a pity I always do such...

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.